[ Saya flashes a small smile, wry. At least Evangeline is trying, which is really nice of her. ]
I think it's more that they get really confused and upset at how often I "change my mind". Never knowing where I'm going to be about something has to be annoying.
And now layer on top of that mess the absolutely impossible situation my hibernation has me and everyone around me in, where there are only bad answers and everyone's feelings are running super high...
I will commonly say about myself that all I do is hurt people, and that's what I mean. When there's no way to avoid hurting people, that's what happens. It's inevitable. Any attempt I make to hurt people less ends up making things worse. I'm the very definition of the road to hell being paved with good intentions.
Take my first experimental cure test... thing. I'm sure you heard whispers about what a disaster it was. I knew it could go that way, so I asked a bunch of people to be in there to prevent me from getting out, hurting innocent people. There were some people I didn't want to be there for a lot of reasons, mostly being worried about what it would do to me or to them if things went the way they went, but I caved because they said it was what they wanted. And it went really badly, and I hurt everyone in terrible ways that I can't take back.
So now I'm thinking: okay. I have to try this again, and I'm scared to death. And I just want to avoid the same giant mess happening all over again. So I made other arrangements, so only one person would have to deal with it. And now people are hurt all over again that I'm "keeping them out" or however it was put to me... like I'm doing this out of spite or because I don't trust them. It's not that. I'm just trying my best, and my best sucks, but that's because this whole thing sucks. And I have to balance what I can handle with what everyone else wants, and not trying it again isn't an option because the people I love most in the world want me to keep trying and they deserve for me to keep trying...
So yeah, I'm pushing people away and at the same time wanting them close. I'm dumping my feelings all over people and at the same time holding back. Of course I am. Because shit is fucked, and my entire life and the feelings of everyone I love are on the line, and who could ever possibly deal with this gracefully?
[ Pausing here for more drinking. ]
Everyone has wants and expectations of me, and I can't meet any of them. Falling asleep is starting to sound like a relief.
no subject
I think it's more that they get really confused and upset at how often I "change my mind". Never knowing where I'm going to be about something has to be annoying.
And now layer on top of that mess the absolutely impossible situation my hibernation has me and everyone around me in, where there are only bad answers and everyone's feelings are running super high...
I will commonly say about myself that all I do is hurt people, and that's what I mean. When there's no way to avoid hurting people, that's what happens. It's inevitable. Any attempt I make to hurt people less ends up making things worse. I'm the very definition of the road to hell being paved with good intentions.
Take my first experimental cure test... thing. I'm sure you heard whispers about what a disaster it was. I knew it could go that way, so I asked a bunch of people to be in there to prevent me from getting out, hurting innocent people. There were some people I didn't want to be there for a lot of reasons, mostly being worried about what it would do to me or to them if things went the way they went, but I caved because they said it was what they wanted. And it went really badly, and I hurt everyone in terrible ways that I can't take back.
So now I'm thinking: okay. I have to try this again, and I'm scared to death. And I just want to avoid the same giant mess happening all over again. So I made other arrangements, so only one person would have to deal with it. And now people are hurt all over again that I'm "keeping them out" or however it was put to me... like I'm doing this out of spite or because I don't trust them. It's not that. I'm just trying my best, and my best sucks, but that's because this whole thing sucks. And I have to balance what I can handle with what everyone else wants, and not trying it again isn't an option because the people I love most in the world want me to keep trying and they deserve for me to keep trying...
So yeah, I'm pushing people away and at the same time wanting them close. I'm dumping my feelings all over people and at the same time holding back. Of course I am. Because shit is fucked, and my entire life and the feelings of everyone I love are on the line, and who could ever possibly deal with this gracefully?
[ Pausing here for more drinking. ]
Everyone has wants and expectations of me, and I can't meet any of them. Falling asleep is starting to sound like a relief.