Of course it doesn't matter to the people we hurt. That's a separate thing. Being unable to make up for what I did, or you did, that's about guilt or redemption or whatever one calls it. I'm talking about preventing it from happening again.
I don't think what MK fears might happen is quite the same as what I did. Sure he needs his own help with it, whatever that means, that's definitely not my area. He has a lot of power, yes he might do those things, but imagine how much worse he'd feel if it wasn't just a fear of a possible future, but also his past. He almost forgot, but he didn't. He almost destroyed, but he didn't. Normally I don't differentiate between types of pain, I will happily help anyone through their guilt without making them meet some minimum standard of terrible before they deserve compassion, but in this case the comparison doesn't feel right.
I'm not minimizing his situation at all. I know it's hard, for him and for you. But living with the fear is not the same as living with the fear and living with the grief and guilt and horror and revulsion.
And I don't even know why. It's not like I have this different form that comes out. One minute I was sleeping, the next I was putting my sword through a mother's back and having it come out her infant's face.
Maybe this way isn't the best for my mental health, I'll concede that. It's the best I've got right now, that's all. I struggled for a long time with whether I should even be allowed to keep living, and keeping a tight hold on myself feels like the only way I can let myself do that. If it happens again... I'll break. I won't be able to live with it.
So please, just let it go. This one thing. Just while we work on my control. And then you can say you told me so until the end of time.
no subject
Of course it doesn't matter to the people we hurt. That's a separate thing. Being unable to make up for what I did, or you did, that's about guilt or redemption or whatever one calls it. I'm talking about preventing it from happening again.
I don't think what MK fears might happen is quite the same as what I did. Sure he needs his own help with it, whatever that means, that's definitely not my area. He has a lot of power, yes he might do those things, but imagine how much worse he'd feel if it wasn't just a fear of a possible future, but also his past. He almost forgot, but he didn't. He almost destroyed, but he didn't. Normally I don't differentiate between types of pain, I will happily help anyone through their guilt without making them meet some minimum standard of terrible before they deserve compassion, but in this case the comparison doesn't feel right.
I'm not minimizing his situation at all. I know it's hard, for him and for you. But living with the fear is not the same as living with the fear and living with the grief and guilt and horror and revulsion.
And I don't even know why. It's not like I have this different form that comes out. One minute I was sleeping, the next I was putting my sword through a mother's back and having it come out her infant's face.
Maybe this way isn't the best for my mental health, I'll concede that. It's the best I've got right now, that's all. I struggled for a long time with whether I should even be allowed to keep living, and keeping a tight hold on myself feels like the only way I can let myself do that. If it happens again... I'll break. I won't be able to live with it.
So please, just let it go. This one thing. Just while we work on my control. And then you can say you told me so until the end of time.