...if it would make you happy, then I won't curb the impulse. [Because he planned to. He absolutely planned to let her approach and contact him on her own time. When it was a choice between Red Son and two people he loved with countering wants, he will choose with more selfishness even if it made things complicated for himself because there was no easy answer. But when the choice was to have someone he loved hurt, or hurt himself?]
[That choice was incredibly easy.]
[If reaching out would hurt her, he would swallow and suffer with his anxiety in silence. But if she wanted assurance he wanted to reach out, then he could do that too. Even if it was to bid her good night and assure his nerves she was still reachable even if he couldn't go to her right then.]
Good. I'm glad to hear you'll rely on them. [And he means it. He knows how much not having support weighs on someone. He's used to it. Even if he has decided to try and change that now. Without the Project, with the idea of 'what he wants' in his head, he is going to make the effort to at least find more friends. Perhaps that will be something to focus on during this period when he's not figuring things out with MK.]
[Still, it warms his heart to hear she doesn't want to destroy something he gave her, even if it was more a trinket compared to other gifts.]
[There is a sharp breath at the affection. The change in her voice, the risked glance up to see tears does worry him, but he can't deny hearing the affection does ease him a bit.]
I love you too. [It's a sweet promise. It's hard to believe, the dark voices telling him this was all a mistake, he's been too greedy and he would suffer for it.]
[But he wanted to believe better. He wanted the happiness this could give him.]
[He moves a hand to her cheek.] Am I allowed one more kiss for now?
It would. I'd feel better if you made time for me, even though it's over the phone. [ At present she's operating on the assumption that he'll be buried in MK all the time, with her as a very distant consideration, if he could even recall her name. Any evidence that it's not true all the time will help. ]
[ She is absolutely still in his reach. It's important that it be clear, that this not be one-sided. Asking for what she needs in no way means that she wants or expects what he needs to be off the table. ]
I'll always be there when you reach for me. Just in a bit of a different way for a while. Just a little while.
[ And, thankfully, once she's done her mental gymnastics about this, it won't be a problem when he takes other partners. Mei or anyone else. At least not as much of one, since the work will be done. It might take a mental revision but that's much more easily done than building from scratch. ]
[ She does her best to smile when he asks for a kiss. ] You're allowed a kiss, and anything else you might want.
I can always make time for you. [Even if it is just a good night or just to talk while he's cooking on his own. MK is going to take his time, but he's too aware of the pain of fully missed time to not take the reassurance for his anxiety. She's absolutely getting one call a day from him, even if it's short.]
[It'll be a relief when he can see her in person all the same. He can soothe the anxiety, but getting rid of it is a whole other matter.]
[He offers her a small smile, tinged with worry, but fondness as well.] Just a kiss. I don't want to make things difficult for you, but...it's hard to not ask for a little selfishness. [He pulls her closer, leaning in to kiss her. His hand drifting from her cheek to her mark. Something sweet and lingering, trying to share the love that was still very much there.]
[ She's not sure she buys that "always". If MK asked him to, Red Son would probably drop her at a speed that would defy the theory of relativity. She's sure MK wouldn't ask that, at least not now since he said he wouldn't, but the fact remains. She'll have to get used to being Second. ]
[ (What's really going to mess with her when she has space to think about it will be how Red Son talked about how special MK is and how he has an Effect on people and that probably terrifies her... when what he said about her is that she's strong and powerful and pretty and would work well on the demon court. If that doesn't say it all about the place they each occupy in his heart. She'll need to make sure she's past it before agreeing to talk to MK and see Red Son in person again, or else that resentment will just spill over everywhere and ruin what she has. Apparently she loves Red Son enough to be second because she's desperate to make this work.) ]
[ Her hand cups the back of his neck to keep him close, then her fingers stroke through his hair. Hopefully the hair pin she gave him will help, having a piece of her with him. She returns the sweetness of the kiss, tinged with a bit of pleading because she can't help it. She's so close to begging him to let her reconsider, the thought of being apart is a seed of panic in her chest, she doesn't want to do this-- ]
[ But she needs to. It's best for everyone. ]
[ She pulls away only slightly, her forehead pressed to his. ]
We don't have to part right now unless you want to. You made all this food.
[The real tragedy is he'd describe Saya the same way to MK. Because she is special and has an effect on people and he knows it terrified MK. It's just he didn't describe the way MK altered his brain chemistry like Saya did. For different reasons, but the fact of the matter was they both came in and altered how he thought in pretty big ways.]
[He understands why they feel threatened.]
[It's the same way he feels threatened by Wukong. Some people just have a large enough impact by just existing, it's hard to not be scared.]
[He didn't know what he would have done if MK had said he couldn't share. It was why it was the first thing he chose to talk about after feelings. It was the one factor he had to know other than MK's feelings before he could make even a single step into their relationship.]
[There is some desperation in that kiss. He can tell and it's hard to not want to pursue more. His grip tightening briefly over the mark.]
[He is going to be wearing the hairpin as much as possible.]
[He presses his forehead to hers, his other arm tightening around her.] Will it make it easier or harder for you? [A soft murmur.]
[ It might come back to bite him at some point that she heard what she did. That she thinks MK is the special one and she's what he had to settle for when he thought MK didn't want him. It's wholly possible that it might become a thing she can't hide. ]
Easier. I don't want to run off like I'm being chased. And I love nothing more than being with you. [ This is definitely not a separation she wants. ]
I think it would be good for both of us to linger here. It's a pretty view, and you made delicious things to eat, and we could savor each other since we'll have to be apart for a while.
[Red Son is doing his best to navigate the minefield of his two partners having The Worst Self Esteem. He'll get there eventually. Hopefully.]
[....frankly, thank Buddha Mei is full of self esteem because someone in his love life has to have a positive amount.]
Okay. I'd like that. [There is a soft sigh. A bit of a relief. He honestly wasn't prepared for the separation. He was kind of hoping the worst she'd run off and he'd have to go after her. Not...this request.]
[He can prepare himself while trying to soak up as much of her as he could.]
[Finally, he actually loosens his arm around her, no longer holding her here in case she was to try and run. Moving to take her hand in one of his as he reached into the basket.] I made a dumpling recipe of my father's. Its been a while since I've tried doing it, but its good for picnics and spice levels.
[He squeezes her hand, threading their fingers together as he pulls out the container. It takes a bit, but he even manages to open it one handed.]
[He leans against her side, holding up the container of perfectly made meat buns with incredibly spicy filling. Since he's long since learned what she can handle and enjoy.]
[ Saya takes the hint and shifts around so that she's sitting behind him and he can either recline back against her or rest his head in her lap, dealer's choice. ]
[ She will take a meat bun and try it, having no trouble with the spice. She waits until her mouth is empty to speak. ] It's delicious. It's going to take me five thousand years to make something like that.
[Hm, he's going to lay to rest his head in her lap. Because he wants to be able to see her. It may be less physical contact, but he can enjoy her smile more like this.]
[He smiles fondly, kissing the back of her hand.] I'm sure it won't take that long. I'm sure it'll only be two thousand.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[That choice was incredibly easy.]
[If reaching out would hurt her, he would swallow and suffer with his anxiety in silence. But if she wanted assurance he wanted to reach out, then he could do that too. Even if it was to bid her good night and assure his nerves she was still reachable even if he couldn't go to her right then.]
Good. I'm glad to hear you'll rely on them. [And he means it. He knows how much not having support weighs on someone. He's used to it. Even if he has decided to try and change that now. Without the Project, with the idea of 'what he wants' in his head, he is going to make the effort to at least find more friends. Perhaps that will be something to focus on during this period when he's not figuring things out with MK.]
[Still, it warms his heart to hear she doesn't want to destroy something he gave her, even if it was more a trinket compared to other gifts.]
[There is a sharp breath at the affection. The change in her voice, the risked glance up to see tears does worry him, but he can't deny hearing the affection does ease him a bit.]
I love you too. [It's a sweet promise. It's hard to believe, the dark voices telling him this was all a mistake, he's been too greedy and he would suffer for it.]
[But he wanted to believe better. He wanted the happiness this could give him.]
[He moves a hand to her cheek.] Am I allowed one more kiss for now?
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[ She is absolutely still in his reach. It's important that it be clear, that this not be one-sided. Asking for what she needs in no way means that she wants or expects what he needs to be off the table. ]
I'll always be there when you reach for me. Just in a bit of a different way for a while. Just a little while.
[ And, thankfully, once she's done her mental gymnastics about this, it won't be a problem when he takes other partners. Mei or anyone else. At least not as much of one, since the work will be done. It might take a mental revision but that's much more easily done than building from scratch. ]
[ She does her best to smile when he asks for a kiss. ] You're allowed a kiss, and anything else you might want.
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[It'll be a relief when he can see her in person all the same. He can soothe the anxiety, but getting rid of it is a whole other matter.]
[He offers her a small smile, tinged with worry, but fondness as well.] Just a kiss. I don't want to make things difficult for you, but...it's hard to not ask for a little selfishness. [He pulls her closer, leaning in to kiss her. His hand drifting from her cheek to her mark. Something sweet and lingering, trying to share the love that was still very much there.]
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[ (What's really going to mess with her when she has space to think about it will be how Red Son talked about how special MK is and how he has an Effect on people and that probably terrifies her... when what he said about her is that she's strong and powerful and pretty and would work well on the demon court. If that doesn't say it all about the place they each occupy in his heart. She'll need to make sure she's past it before agreeing to talk to MK and see Red Son in person again, or else that resentment will just spill over everywhere and ruin what she has. Apparently she loves Red Son enough to be second because she's desperate to make this work.) ]
[ Her hand cups the back of his neck to keep him close, then her fingers stroke through his hair. Hopefully the hair pin she gave him will help, having a piece of her with him. She returns the sweetness of the kiss, tinged with a bit of pleading because she can't help it. She's so close to begging him to let her reconsider, the thought of being apart is a seed of panic in her chest, she doesn't want to do this-- ]
[ But she needs to. It's best for everyone. ]
[ She pulls away only slightly, her forehead pressed to his. ]
We don't have to part right now unless you want to. You made all this food.
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[He understands why they feel threatened.]
[It's the same way he feels threatened by Wukong. Some people just have a large enough impact by just existing, it's hard to not be scared.]
[He didn't know what he would have done if MK had said he couldn't share. It was why it was the first thing he chose to talk about after feelings. It was the one factor he had to know other than MK's feelings before he could make even a single step into their relationship.]
[There is some desperation in that kiss. He can tell and it's hard to not want to pursue more. His grip tightening briefly over the mark.]
[He is going to be wearing the hairpin as much as possible.]
[He presses his forehead to hers, his other arm tightening around her.] Will it make it easier or harder for you? [A soft murmur.]
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Easier. I don't want to run off like I'm being chased. And I love nothing more than being with you. [ This is definitely not a separation she wants. ]
I think it would be good for both of us to linger here. It's a pretty view, and you made delicious things to eat, and we could savor each other since we'll have to be apart for a while.
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[....frankly, thank Buddha Mei is full of self esteem because someone in his love life has to have a positive amount.]
Okay. I'd like that. [There is a soft sigh. A bit of a relief. He honestly wasn't prepared for the separation. He was kind of hoping the worst she'd run off and he'd have to go after her. Not...this request.]
[He can prepare himself while trying to soak up as much of her as he could.]
[Finally, he actually loosens his arm around her, no longer holding her here in case she was to try and run. Moving to take her hand in one of his as he reached into the basket.] I made a dumpling recipe of my father's. Its been a while since I've tried doing it, but its good for picnics and spice levels.
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[ He's welcome to her hand, since she can't do much about the rest of it. ]
Oh? I'm looking forward to trying it. [ Saya likes everything, but his father's recipe sounds especially like something she'd want to taste. ]
[ She rubs the back of his hand with her thumb. It's going to be okay, she promises. ]
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[He leans against her side, holding up the container of perfectly made meat buns with incredibly spicy filling. Since he's long since learned what she can handle and enjoy.]
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[ She will take a meat bun and try it, having no trouble with the spice. She waits until her mouth is empty to speak. ] It's delicious. It's going to take me five thousand years to make something like that.
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[He smiles fondly, kissing the back of her hand.] I'm sure it won't take that long. I'm sure it'll only be two thousand.
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[ But she is indeed smiling. ]