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[sangreine]

request an audience

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[at_heart]

[ ...well, that's an unpleasant little knot of feelings. He tries not to frown at her, only somewhat successfully. ]

Telling people how you feel about them isn't 'nice', it's... neutral.

[sangreine]

[ She sighs, resigned. ] I can't help it.

-- The stray feelings, I mean. Not the bad joke to try and cover them up. That I can help, but it's a habit by now.

[ She's feeling very slightly defensive, but it's not directed at Lupine. She's thinking about Izanagi and how he said she was torturing him because she couldn't stop beating herself up, like she was doing it at him for the sole purpose of ruining his day. It's not pleasant for her either. ]

[at_heart]

Which is fair.

[ Hums, turning his attention back to the firewood for a moment. ]

And you're allowed to make bad jokes, too. I might just keep arguing, is all. Sorry in advance!

[sangreine]

I don't actually think you're sorry at all.

[ Behind the amusement: she doesn't actually hate that he argues, she hates what her brain does with it when he tries, but she can't help that either. ]

[at_heart]

...I'm a little sorry.

[ Warmth and affection and just the smallest tinge of regret. ]

I'm sorry it's so hard for you to hear stuff like this.

[sangreine]

[ She opens her mouth, then closes it. Whether the game or her hair, she'd be given away if she tried to divert again. ]

Me too. All I want is to be a good person, but I'd never be able to believe someone telling me I'd finally gotten closer.

[ And then the emotional equivalent of a wince. Hearing herself whine about how bad she has it slips out but she always feels gross about it. Poor little mass murderer, feeling sad that she's awful. Ick. ]

[at_heart]

Mm. I'm not sure that's how it works anyway.

[ But he slides in closer. Closer than he already was, stupid status ailment. ]

Hurting other people... I don't think that's something you can really make up for. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there's a big cosmic scale out there, weighing out what we've done, and rescuing a thousand kittens from trees balances out that time you killed a guy.

[ Beaaaaat. ]

But I dunno that I'd trust a scale that worked like that anyway.

[sangreine]

[ She tenses up, as if she can keep the resigned despair from hitting poor Lupine between the eyes, but it's useless. ]

...Yeah. I know. [ There's nothing she can do, of course. Except make sure it never happens again, and there's only one way to make sure of that. ]

I don't want to hide things from you, but you won't like what I have to say about it.

[at_heart]

[ His eyebrows lift a tiny bit. Leans in, until his shoulder bumps hers, and then just stays there. ]

Well. There's a lot of stuff I don't like. [ Head tipped back to look up at the night sky. ] Especially here.

[ Slants a smile her way. ]

Can't protect me from all of it.

[ He's not pushing? But he'd like to hear it. ]

[sangreine]

[ She sighs. He should remember in a minute that he asked for this. But she does have substantial appreciation for the shoulder bump, and for him being willing to listen. ]

Like you said, there's nothing I can do to fix the past, and however miserable I am that small suffering isn't enough to make up for what I've done. And I can't die on my own even if I wasn't here, not any way that I can tell. So...

Assuming I can avoid my hibernation long enough to graduate [ which is absolutely not certain ], I think my wish will probably be to stop existing.

[at_heart]

[ Sucks a breath in through his teeth and doesn't say anything for a moment. ] [ He appreciates that she's telling him this. He gets why she'd want it. Eventually: ]

So, I'm gonna say something really selfish here.

[sangreine]

[ Nervous, but also she figures he's earned it. Whatever he has to say, she'll accept even if she'll probably hate it. ]

...Okay.

[at_heart]

Thank you? For not making your wish that you'd never existed.

1/2

[sangreine]

[ Well. That was not what she expected. ]

[ She had considered that, because she could actually save all those people ][ But then she'd be doing something not great to the people here that care about her ][ And then there's whoever she, perfectly in her right mind, swore that she would stop, and she doesn't know enough about that to determine whether that needed to happen, so ]

[sangreine]

[ Rather than get into any of it, she leans over against him. ]

I couldn't do that.

[at_heart]

[ Brushes his lips over the crown of her head. He meant it, because yeah. He did figure she'd have realized it was a possibility. ]

Yeah, well. I'm glad you couldn't. I know it... must've been tempting.

[sangreine]

Yeah.

[ She loops her arm through his, very grateful that he at least gets it. Between Lupine and Doctor, that's at least two people who don't judge her over it. She'll have to tell Venti eventually, but he's always supported her, even when she was being a nutcase. ]

I don't know if I'll make it that long. I could fall asleep and wake up in a few decades, long after you've all moved on. But I guess I wouldn't remember anyone anyway, in that case.

-- Which is a real racket when you think about it. Production can just keep recycling me for eternity and each time I'll have even more memories to buy back. Jackasses.

[ She glances up, did that work to lighten the mood any? ]

[at_heart]

[ Not really, but who said it needed lightening. This is, and should be, a heavy topic. He gives her arm a squeeze. ]

Their best 'idol' ever.

[sangreine]

Maybe next time I'll end up in one of the magic weapons units. What I could do with infinite blades from nowhere.

[ She nuzzles her cheek against his shoulder, then sits up and gives him a little smile. ]

Thanks. I would have understood if you... you know. [ If he took big exception or got angry with her or decided he didn't want to bother with someone who's just going to hurt him in the end. ]

1/

[at_heart]

Heh. I'm sure you'd have fun with them. Valor definitely did.

[ He was going to stroke her hair, but he lets her withdraw, if... maybe noticeably reluctantly. Look, he's okay as long as people are within arm's reach, but physical contact is definitely Better. ]

If I... what?

[ Not being deliberately obtuse. His gaze holds her face for a few seconds before he murmurs, ]

I'm not saying I'm thrilled about it. Might even say I think it'd be a net loss. If you hadn't already been alive for — what, hundreds of years?

[at_heart]

But you have. This isn't your first rodeo. Or even your twentieth rodeo, probably.

[ His smile is sad, but. ]

I'd be pretty tired of existing, too.

[sangreine]

5,000 if you count sleeping time and believe the profile. Still less time than Venti, as he constantly reminds me.

[ "Constantly" is a bit strong but whatever. ]

I wouldn't mind living, if there was a way to make up for what I did and make sure nothing like that would happen again, but there isn't. To get that to happen they'd have to rearrange so much of my head that I wouldn't be the same person anyway.

[at_heart]

[ Eyebrows twitch a tiny bit in response to 'constantly', because yeah, doubtful, but she keeps talking so he doesn't make a thing out of it. ]

Well... supposedly the wish can be anything, so. Hope you don't mind if I cross my fingers for you figuring something else out before you graduate.

[sangreine]

I don't mind, as long as you don't pester me overly much about it. But knowing you as I do, I don't think there's much chance of that.

[at_heart]

[ Headtilt. ]

Crossed fingers, that's all.

[ This is probably enough firewood??? Gonna get the fire started now. ]