[ She doesn't want to hear that when she is struggling to believe it. And she tenses to move, to run, to get some space and do what she does, what she warned him about, which is be alone to punish herself. ]
[ She's not forceful about moving since she doesn't want to shove him off, so he has every chance to snag her. Hopefully he's ready for it. ]
[ That's not it at all. She doesn't begrudge MK who he is or the bonds he makes. She happens to think he's wonderful and deserves every good thing. ]
I lost every piece of my past. Most if it gladly. Some of it...
[ Like Haji. Like Kai. Like... she can't think of his name, but she knows the feeling she gets when she thinks about him. Like Nem and Ren and Pentium, and soon Venti-- ]
I'll never have that history with anyone again. And my instincts don't take well to being... substract. [ It's an archaic word, but it's the closest one she can think of. An accessory, inferior, unnecessary... it's some combination of all those. ]
[ She'll never again have a guarantee that someone won't leave her, because she doesn't make Chevaliers anymore. And that leaves the part of her that needs to be Always First for someone just adrift. ]
You'll never need me the way you need them. The way you never shut up about them. [ She hadn't meant to say that since she never wants him to feel like he can't speak freely, but there it is. ]
[ She forces a few deep breaths into her lungs. She doesn't exactly resent that Red Son talks about Mei and MK every other sentence, but she does feel it indicates where she stands. Why it took him months and months to even agree to be more than casual with her and for MK it was immediate. And she's not sure how to explain the obvious. ]
I don't think I can put it into words.
I'm very aware of that history and how separate I am from it.
[ It's like Venti with Lumine. Yuri with Flynn. A connection she can't find anywhere anymore. She doesn't begrudge anyone that, but it still hurts. ]
I'll be fine. I knew this would-- I'll be fine. I just need a minute.
The only reason I can put things into words is because of you.
I never needed to put things into words. Mother and I understood each other. Father and I were still struggling to find a way to connect and words wasn't how either of us did.
And I'm going to talk about them, but there is a point.
MK and Mei pursued me. They bothered me. I ran from them because our situation made me afraid what would happen if I didn't, you've certainly heard my fears, and they just kept coming, until circumstances forced me to reach out to them. If not for the Samadhi Fire, if Mei hadn't needed me specifically, I would have kept running after the Lady Bone Demon. The entire basis of our friendship is because they refused to give up on me and because Mei's ancestor.
Then I came here.
And in not so many words, you asked me what I wanted.
I spent my whole life never...really giving that any true thought. Of course I wanted my father back, I wanted my mother happy, but if mother hadn't been so determined to free him...would I have dedicated my whole life to that goal? Or would I have tried to move on and live my own life?
Ultimately, I never really had to think of anything I wanted for myself, free of what my parents wanted me to do. And the only thing I had wanted independent of them made me afraid of losing them, so I didn't think about it. I didn't try to put it into words.
But you wanted to know what I wanted. Did I want to explore something new, did I really want to dedicate so much time to helping you, did I want you.
I love you for many reasons. You're strong, you're powerful, you're beautiful, you're kind, you would do wonderfully in a demon court, you're fun to be around, you're passionate, you have a lovely smile.
But when it comes down to people I 'need' in my life...
I needed someone to ask that question.
What did I want.
Because if you hadn't asked, I would have taken years to realize I loved you, if I ever did. The same would be true of MK and Mei because I would have refused to even think about it. Because what it comes down to...I never had to think about what I actually wanted for myself. But you wanted to know. You pushed me to find that answer, but were patient, giving me the pressure and the time I needed to actually figure out what that answer was.
[ At first she's barely able to listen over the yelping din of her feelings, but as he talks she slowly relaxes. Memories flow with the words, and she's able to let things settle in a way that she struggles with when her instincts are galloping in every direction. ]
[ The natural question is probably to ask him what he wants. She absolutely doesn't want that answer. ]
I want you to have everything that makes you happy. I love you, and I love MK. [ Albeit differently. ] There's a reason I pushed you in his direction, too.
But I... that was never going to be easy for me. My husband doesn't have other romantic partners, nor do my others... except Venti, and he's the god of freedom, so it's a little different, and we were all friends and lovers before any romance happened. [ Yeah that's a whole kettle of fish, but it's one she has no problem digesting. ]
I hope it means something that I want that for you, even knowing what it would feel like for me.
I know. I understand. It's not an easy thing to let go of that desire to possess. To have. It's easier for me because I knew that was a fact before stepping forward with you. I got to accept the idea before hand.
Before Noodle Boy showed up, you couldn't have known if anyone would have my interest.
[....please understand, he doesn't know how painfully obvious he was.]
I understand you need time to adjust. To figure things out.
But I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here. I still love you. You make me happy and I'll do all I can to keep you. [His fingers brush over her neck.] That's why I made this mark. That's why I offered you to mark me first.
[ Painfully obvious, painful being the operative word. Saya has talked some about her partners, once about Rosen and briefly about her husband but that was part of their Big Discussion in the weremonkey's nest, but she doesn't think she's had quite the case of mentionitis that Red Son has. ]
[ So there are going to need to be some Logistics. ]
Can I ask for a few things? Just for a little while. I can tame my instincts given time, I just need that time.
[When one has built up their identity around those they love, it's a hard thing to avoid when letting someone see them. It's an unfortunate side effect.]
[ Well. Hopefully this won't give off the wrong idea. ]
I think I need some time apart. Not like -- broken up. I'd still want to talk over text or the phone or video or whatever. Talking, but at a distance. I just want to get my head on straight before I see any bite marks on you, because I know that would really kick me off. [ She knows he won't want to heal them, and she wouldn't feel right asking him to, so best that she get her stuff figured out all at once rather than drag it out. ]
And -- you and he can take some time. There's a masquerade on one of the airships in a while, so after that I'll assess where I am.
[ Venti's disappearance would have made that inevitable anyway. She won't want to see anyone but Yuri, and then she'll only want to see people she's okay being in that particular kind of pain in front of. ]
It would also help if I could add a bedroom with a bathroom to your house where we could stay when I'm over. Where only you and I go, and Shen Hong if she wants to, no one else. I know from my husband that it helps if there's a place where I won't smell someone else, especially someone else's blood. [ This would also eliminate the concern he had about other flings. Plus she could leave some clothes and things over and it wouldn't be in MK's face. ] We could also put the mirror portal in there so it's unobtrusive.
[ She's not going to ask him to moderate talking about MK, since she hadn't intended to say anything like that. ]
[There was definitely some tightening of his hold on her at that first part. He listens before he reacts more and...he had tried to ask for the same before. Well, sort of. That had been an emotional wall over a physical.]
[Which is still worrying and he wonders if this is wise with what she said before.]
[He would heal the bitemarks if asked. He'd be sad to do so, but he would understand. It was why he had been doing so the past week whenever MK got his hands on him.]
I can add another room. None of my room plans are time sensitive, I can make adjustments easily enough. [He just needed to get a bathroom, added on to one, which should be simple enough.] It's not too much. It's the same reason I had no problem with our living situations. It's different when the smells seem...invasive.
As for time, I...
I can agree to that.
IF.
You promise, promise me to not do the self isolate thing that you hurt yourself with.
Because you told me to not leave you alone and I am only considering this because of the phone contact and you seem to be thinking carefully of this and I think the dangerous isolation would involve you being more...impulsive.
But I'm not certain.
But you know how serious I take promises and I would frankly never forgive myself if my misjudgements caused you to be harmed when you warned me to watch for this vein of behavior. [He knows the last part is kind of manipulative and a selfish lens, but he figures if Saya doesn't want to take care of herself, the confirmation it would hurt Red Son to do it would keep her from doing so.]
[ But having him heal the bite marks doesn't serve anything. It won't help her get over it, all it will go is draw the process out. She needs time and space with her thoughts where it will be okay when she's not okay, and that means being out of his sight. And MK's. Once she's past it enough, any twinges she can handle. She does it every day. ]
[ Sylvain is living proof that she can conquer this particular problem, she just needs that time. ]
I can use one of my room expansions for it, I am honestly out of ideas for what else to add to our place. What more could I ask for than a training room and a music room and a hot springs?
--The room will help. I don't even have words for how much. I hate to make you stay else where but we can make sure it's to your liking and comfortable. Bloodproof and burnproof. Candles.
[ If she's pulling him out of his room sometimes, she wants to at least be kind and considerate about it. ] Thank you, I feel better already.
[ Not better enough to not need the time away, unfortunately. ]
This isn't self-isolation, I'll be with my husband and housemates and partners. I promise I won't isolate or punish myself.
But you and MK deserve better than to have me hurting and resentful when I look at you. This is something I can tame if I feel safe enough, and don't feel like I have to be constantly clenching down on my reactions. I need to be able to get ugly sometimes.
I'm sorry, though. I know how it sounds. Believe me that I'm not trying to put emotional space between us, not for more than I absolutely need. Because I'll miss being with you more than you can imagine.
Just take the time with him so that when I'm able, I can steal some of your attention again. [ She knows how new relationships are. You struggle to come up for air. That's also part of her wanting the time away, so she won't have to ask if he's free and then wonder why he might not be available. ]
When I can, [ aka no time soon ] I'll probably talk to MK about making some kind of non-rigid schedule so we're not both staying over at the same time for a while. Since I'm not there anything close to half the time it won't be an imposition on him, I'd hope. [ She has such demands on her time and her nights. She'd want to be there more than a sixth of the time but definitely nothing near half. ] Obviously if things come up then they do, but it would probably do both of us good to step into things slowly.
Are you okay with all that? If you're not, tell me and we can figure it out.
That would make it more timely, the expansion. [Also a little more fair since some of those rooms plans was to make more space in the place for MK. Since he lived there. And apparently the monkeys thought the living room and kitchen was also kind of his domain, so he wanted to make the shared feeling more overt.]
[But making the relationship dynamic work would take priority, but doing both is definitely better.]
Also soundproof. We should...definitely do that. [He knows he gets noisy and that was probably a better move overall.] And make sure its comfortable for you as well. Its both our room.
[His hold tightens on her and he kisses her temple.] Anything for you.
[He presses his face against her shoulder as he listens.] Thank you. [At the promise.] You just warned me and I wanted to be sure. [She said to pursue, and this was a kind of pursuit.]
You have been incredibly patient with me. Its only right I offer you the same. [He took weeks to figure out his own emotions. Took longer to figure out his issues with MK and even that probably has some more work to be done, they were just figuring it out. Patient with him when he broke down on her, at several points.]
[How could he not offer her the same?]
[Even if he hated the thought of being distant, of not being able to see her, if she needed time, he could give her time.]
[He nods if she asked it was okay.] Whatever you need. A schedule for as long as you need it. And...and it would probably be good for you and MK to talk anyway.
Our relationship was the first point we covered after the confirmation there were feelings, and he made no protests against it. Encouraged it in wanting you and I to be happy. But with how he is, [the garbage self worth] he may be panicking about your friendship, so if you weren't already planning it, I would like to ask that you reassure him in regards to that. If you can. And when you're ready. I can handle that part until you're in a space for it.
I'll pick up an expansion in a bit. And I'll use the time to buy the furnishings and things for it. I'm quite sure I know your taste well enough. It will be something concrete to occupy me and remind me that the separation isn't forever. [ Even though she's the one asking for the time apart, it still hurts. It's still hard. She's hoping that going through this small challenge will make things overall better. She doesn't want Red Son or MK to feel as though she's always in the background, hurt and disapproving. Getting over her rough feelings at once will be best for everyone. ]
--All the rooms here come sound proofed. Have you not noticed that? [ Living in a house with so many people, so many couples, so many booty calls, you figure these things out. ]
[ She moves her arms around him, the movements almost tentative. Holding him loosely. She's still fighting the urge to run off -- but she isn't. It's something. ]
We'll talk often. I'll make sure that at least once a day you can hear my voice. [ She doesn't want to fade out of his life, that's not the point here. ]
Just -- please use the time to work out whatever needs working out with MK the best you can. And if you need to process that with someone, I think that, for now, it would be best if someone else helped you with that. Although I'm very glad you trusted me that far.
[ She can't be the confessional anymore, not about this. Not for a while. ]
I'll let you know when I'm ready to ease back into talking about those things. I'm fairly sure I can do it gracefully. I'd never want you to feel like MK is off-limits entirely for discussion [ because probably it would mean he never says anything at all ] but as far as working out your relationship issues, it will take some time before I can manage to listen to it. Not much time, just a little.
[ There is a marked hesitation when he mentions her talking to MK, her entire body tensing sharply. ]
I need time for that. I can text him and let him know things are going to be okay, that's manageable because it's the truth. But he made me promise not to lie to him, and if I tried to tell him that I'm not angry right now, it wouldn't be true. My instincts are what they are -- but I'll simmer down. You described your emotions to me, the reactivity, how the initial burst isn't the real feeling, and my anger isn't the real feeling. It just takes longer for mine to burn away.
I'm not sure how long it will be until I can have a conversation with him, even over text. But I'll do it when I can. I have no desire to hurt him or have distance from him.
...I really am sorry. I know this isn't the way you wanted this conversation to go. [ She tried to run, she said things that probably hurt to hear, she's going to refuse to see him for weeks on end, and she can't talk to MK. It's not a fun list of things. But that's why she needs the time away. She can see what would happen if she didn't take the time, tried to grit her teeth and force it, and she knows it would be ugly. She doesn't want that even though she's hurting. ]
All right. I'll trust your tastes then. And at finding things that are hard to stay with blood. [There is a pause though.] No, I hadn't noticed they were soundproof. I suppose that's why I only heard things thudding against the floor. [Which really is more vibration than soundwaves.]
[He squeezes her briefly.] I'll be sure to prompt to answer your call. Even if it's a simple good morning. [It would help. Immensely. He doesn't like forceful separation. He knows it's temporary, but there are those lingering scars of what it's like to know where someone is and be unable to go to them. And while he had many tricks to try and remember things about his father....he had forgotten his voice.]
[Hearing her voice would keep him centered.]
[He doesn't say all that. He's brought this difficulty to Saya and he can swallow that anxiety for her sake.]
[She is right though. If she didn't want to hear about MK, he would never say anything at all unless it was entirely unavoidable.]
[It may be the case regardless going forward. It's hard for him to not overcompensate.] I'll work things out with Noodle Boy. I promise. [There's been enough pressure release that the fear is no longer choking him, eating at his rationality. He can make the promise.] Don't worry about us. Take care of yourself.
[He nods against her shoulder. A shuddering breath. He squeezes her again.] I understand. I appreciate letting him know, and I can take care of him until you can talk to him. Neither one of you wants the other to hurt. I'll keep his dark voices at bay until you're ready. Please have someone for your own.
What matters is you're okay. Don't rush. I can be patient for you, and take care of things on our end until then. I knew this would be a difficult conversation to have. It's why I didn't want it anywhere that mattered to you. The haircomb is affection, but less sentimental in case you couldn't stand to ever see it again. I wanted you to still have evidence of my care, but the freedom to burn it all if it became a painful association.
Whatever I hoped, what matters is what makes it the easiest for you. Even if it's something ugly for a while.
[ A tiny smile forms. ] My specialty is finding things that can withstand some blood spatter. And now I know how to enchant something and make it fireproof, so that's easy enough. [ It costs a pretty penny, but Saya has many pretty pennies. And she'll be doing All The Quests to work her feelings out on monsters. ]
[ Saya had anticipated he wouldn't like the idea of separation, however short-term. It would sting with horrible reminders. But if she doesn't take the time to work her stuff out, she might do something regrettable, something that could make a separation that's not fixable. (Part of her wants to. The spiteful, fearful part that says he's already got one foot out the door, might as well shove him out entirely, punish him for the hurt and insult of making her second to anyone. She's ignoring it.) ]
You can call me as well. It's important that you know you're free to do that. If you're doubting, if you're worried, if you want to check in, if you want me to feel closer, then reach out. It would make me happy if you did.
[ Other than not being able to handle the "my relationship with MK" issues, she doesn't want him to feel at all limited. At all like he has to wait for her to reach out first. If she can't answer right then, she won't, but she'll always come back to it when she can. ]
I have plenty of support, don't you worry. Endless support. [ There's a reason she can be so present with Red Son when he needs her and not, this conversation excepted, let her own feelings run the show. She has many sources to process her feelings. And she's a little worried that Red Son doesn't, and she's just removed herself as a source for at least some of his stronger feelings -- but, again, it's because the status quo would probably result in her making things really bad. She knows herself that far. ]
I could never burn anything you gave me. Never.
...But your consideration of my feelings is very much appreciated.
[ She pauses, then her arms hold him tighter. ] I love you. [ And there's a reason she hasn't said that in this conversation until now, because it makes her cry. Not altogether in a negative way, though she can imagine he'll take it as mostly negative. ]
I'm still with you. I'll come back to you physically in no time at all. Barely a blink. And I'll have myself managed, I'll be fine with you and MK, and you can have both of us without any worries about it. We'll make you so happy, you'll wonder if it's truly real.
...if it would make you happy, then I won't curb the impulse. [Because he planned to. He absolutely planned to let her approach and contact him on her own time. When it was a choice between Red Son and two people he loved with countering wants, he will choose with more selfishness even if it made things complicated for himself because there was no easy answer. But when the choice was to have someone he loved hurt, or hurt himself?]
[That choice was incredibly easy.]
[If reaching out would hurt her, he would swallow and suffer with his anxiety in silence. But if she wanted assurance he wanted to reach out, then he could do that too. Even if it was to bid her good night and assure his nerves she was still reachable even if he couldn't go to her right then.]
Good. I'm glad to hear you'll rely on them. [And he means it. He knows how much not having support weighs on someone. He's used to it. Even if he has decided to try and change that now. Without the Project, with the idea of 'what he wants' in his head, he is going to make the effort to at least find more friends. Perhaps that will be something to focus on during this period when he's not figuring things out with MK.]
[Still, it warms his heart to hear she doesn't want to destroy something he gave her, even if it was more a trinket compared to other gifts.]
[There is a sharp breath at the affection. The change in her voice, the risked glance up to see tears does worry him, but he can't deny hearing the affection does ease him a bit.]
I love you too. [It's a sweet promise. It's hard to believe, the dark voices telling him this was all a mistake, he's been too greedy and he would suffer for it.]
[But he wanted to believe better. He wanted the happiness this could give him.]
[He moves a hand to her cheek.] Am I allowed one more kiss for now?
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[She told him. She told him she isolates when she wants to hurt herself and to not let her.]
[So he keeps leaning against her.]
I'm not going anywhere.
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I lose everyone I love.
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That's why I'm putting together the addresses to get back to you and I'm going to get them tattooed onto my skin.
I have eternity to figure out the mystery and I will get back to you. That is what I do.
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[ She doesn't want to hear that when she is struggling to believe it. And she tenses to move, to run, to get some space and do what she does, what she warned him about, which is be alone to punish herself. ]
[ She's not forceful about moving since she doesn't want to shove him off, so he has every chance to snag her. Hopefully he's ready for it. ]
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Never.
You accepted my mark. This is part of the deal.
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I'm sorry. It's not-- not that I object. Just...
[ She's struggling to put into words why she's having such a reaction. It's instinct, and those are not often able to be neatly described. ]
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[His hold tightens on her.] And that's terrifying.
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[ That's not it at all. She doesn't begrudge MK who he is or the bonds he makes. She happens to think he's wonderful and deserves every good thing. ]
I lost every piece of my past. Most if it gladly. Some of it...
[ Like Haji. Like Kai. Like... she can't think of his name, but she knows the feeling she gets when she thinks about him. Like Nem and Ren and Pentium, and soon Venti-- ]
I'll never have that history with anyone again. And my instincts don't take well to being... substract. [ It's an archaic word, but it's the closest one she can think of. An accessory, inferior, unnecessary... it's some combination of all those. ]
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Do you really think you're not a defining person for me, Saya?
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[ She'll never again have a guarantee that someone won't leave her, because she doesn't make Chevaliers anymore. And that leaves the part of her that needs to be Always First for someone just adrift. ]
You'll never need me the way you need them. The way you never shut up about them. [ She hadn't meant to say that since she never wants him to feel like he can't speak freely, but there it is. ]
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The way I need them...
How do you think I need them, Saya?
Let me understand where your head is at.
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I don't think I can put it into words.
I'm very aware of that history and how separate I am from it.
[ It's like Venti with Lumine. Yuri with Flynn. A connection she can't find anywhere anymore. She doesn't begrudge anyone that, but it still hurts. ]
I'll be fine. I knew this would-- I'll be fine. I just need a minute.
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The only reason I can put things into words is because of you.
I never needed to put things into words. Mother and I understood each other. Father and I were still struggling to find a way to connect and words wasn't how either of us did.
And I'm going to talk about them, but there is a point.
MK and Mei pursued me. They bothered me. I ran from them because our situation made me afraid what would happen if I didn't, you've certainly heard my fears, and they just kept coming, until circumstances forced me to reach out to them. If not for the Samadhi Fire, if Mei hadn't needed me specifically, I would have kept running after the Lady Bone Demon. The entire basis of our friendship is because they refused to give up on me and because Mei's ancestor.
Then I came here.
And in not so many words, you asked me what I wanted.
I spent my whole life never...really giving that any true thought. Of course I wanted my father back, I wanted my mother happy, but if mother hadn't been so determined to free him...would I have dedicated my whole life to that goal? Or would I have tried to move on and live my own life?
Ultimately, I never really had to think of anything I wanted for myself, free of what my parents wanted me to do. And the only thing I had wanted independent of them made me afraid of losing them, so I didn't think about it. I didn't try to put it into words.
But you wanted to know what I wanted. Did I want to explore something new, did I really want to dedicate so much time to helping you, did I want you.
I love you for many reasons. You're strong, you're powerful, you're beautiful, you're kind, you would do wonderfully in a demon court, you're fun to be around, you're passionate, you have a lovely smile.
But when it comes down to people I 'need' in my life...
I needed someone to ask that question.
What did I want.
Because if you hadn't asked, I would have taken years to realize I loved you, if I ever did. The same would be true of MK and Mei because I would have refused to even think about it. Because what it comes down to...I never had to think about what I actually wanted for myself. But you wanted to know. You pushed me to find that answer, but were patient, giving me the pressure and the time I needed to actually figure out what that answer was.
I can say what I want because of you.
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[ The natural question is probably to ask him what he wants. She absolutely doesn't want that answer. ]
I want you to have everything that makes you happy. I love you, and I love MK. [ Albeit differently. ] There's a reason I pushed you in his direction, too.
But I... that was never going to be easy for me. My husband doesn't have other romantic partners, nor do my others... except Venti, and he's the god of freedom, so it's a little different, and we were all friends and lovers before any romance happened. [ Yeah that's a whole kettle of fish, but it's one she has no problem digesting. ]
I hope it means something that I want that for you, even knowing what it would feel like for me.
[ Because it's the best she's got right now. ]
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I know. I understand. It's not an easy thing to let go of that desire to possess. To have. It's easier for me because I knew that was a fact before stepping forward with you. I got to accept the idea before hand.
Before Noodle Boy showed up, you couldn't have known if anyone would have my interest.
[....please understand, he doesn't know how painfully obvious he was.]
I understand you need time to adjust. To figure things out.
But I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here. I still love you. You make me happy and I'll do all I can to keep you. [His fingers brush over her neck.] That's why I made this mark. That's why I offered you to mark me first.
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[ So there are going to need to be some Logistics. ]
Can I ask for a few things? Just for a little while. I can tame my instincts given time, I just need that time.
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Of course. Whatever you need.
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I think I need some time apart. Not like -- broken up. I'd still want to talk over text or the phone or video or whatever. Talking, but at a distance. I just want to get my head on straight before I see any bite marks on you, because I know that would really kick me off. [ She knows he won't want to heal them, and she wouldn't feel right asking him to, so best that she get her stuff figured out all at once rather than drag it out. ]
And -- you and he can take some time. There's a masquerade on one of the airships in a while, so after that I'll assess where I am.
[ Venti's disappearance would have made that inevitable anyway. She won't want to see anyone but Yuri, and then she'll only want to see people she's okay being in that particular kind of pain in front of. ]
It would also help if I could add a bedroom with a bathroom to your house where we could stay when I'm over. Where only you and I go, and Shen Hong if she wants to, no one else. I know from my husband that it helps if there's a place where I won't smell someone else, especially someone else's blood. [ This would also eliminate the concern he had about other flings. Plus she could leave some clothes and things over and it wouldn't be in MK's face. ] We could also put the mirror portal in there so it's unobtrusive.
[ She's not going to ask him to moderate talking about MK, since she hadn't intended to say anything like that. ]
--I'm sorry, I know it's asking a lot.
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[Which is still worrying and he wonders if this is wise with what she said before.]
[He would heal the bitemarks if asked. He'd be sad to do so, but he would understand. It was why he had been doing so the past week whenever MK got his hands on him.]
I can add another room. None of my room plans are time sensitive, I can make adjustments easily enough. [He just needed to get a bathroom, added on to one, which should be simple enough.] It's not too much. It's the same reason I had no problem with our living situations. It's different when the smells seem...invasive.
As for time, I...
I can agree to that.
IF.
You promise, promise me to not do the self isolate thing that you hurt yourself with.
Because you told me to not leave you alone and I am only considering this because of the phone contact and you seem to be thinking carefully of this and I think the dangerous isolation would involve you being more...impulsive.
But I'm not certain.
But you know how serious I take promises and I would frankly never forgive myself if my misjudgements caused you to be harmed when you warned me to watch for this vein of behavior. [He knows the last part is kind of manipulative and a selfish lens, but he figures if Saya doesn't want to take care of herself, the confirmation it would hurt Red Son to do it would keep her from doing so.]
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[ Sylvain is living proof that she can conquer this particular problem, she just needs that time. ]
I can use one of my room expansions for it, I am honestly out of ideas for what else to add to our place. What more could I ask for than a training room and a music room and a hot springs?
--The room will help. I don't even have words for how much. I hate to make you stay else where but we can make sure it's to your liking and comfortable. Bloodproof and burnproof. Candles.
[ If she's pulling him out of his room sometimes, she wants to at least be kind and considerate about it. ] Thank you, I feel better already.
[ Not better enough to not need the time away, unfortunately. ]
This isn't self-isolation, I'll be with my husband and housemates and partners. I promise I won't isolate or punish myself.
But you and MK deserve better than to have me hurting and resentful when I look at you. This is something I can tame if I feel safe enough, and don't feel like I have to be constantly clenching down on my reactions. I need to be able to get ugly sometimes.
I'm sorry, though. I know how it sounds. Believe me that I'm not trying to put emotional space between us, not for more than I absolutely need. Because I'll miss being with you more than you can imagine.
Just take the time with him so that when I'm able, I can steal some of your attention again. [ She knows how new relationships are. You struggle to come up for air. That's also part of her wanting the time away, so she won't have to ask if he's free and then wonder why he might not be available. ]
When I can, [ aka no time soon ] I'll probably talk to MK about making some kind of non-rigid schedule so we're not both staying over at the same time for a while. Since I'm not there anything close to half the time it won't be an imposition on him, I'd hope. [ She has such demands on her time and her nights. She'd want to be there more than a sixth of the time but definitely nothing near half. ] Obviously if things come up then they do, but it would probably do both of us good to step into things slowly.
Are you okay with all that? If you're not, tell me and we can figure it out.
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[But making the relationship dynamic work would take priority, but doing both is definitely better.]
Also soundproof. We should...definitely do that. [He knows he gets noisy and that was probably a better move overall.] And make sure its comfortable for you as well. Its both our room.
[His hold tightens on her and he kisses her temple.] Anything for you.
[He presses his face against her shoulder as he listens.] Thank you. [At the promise.] You just warned me and I wanted to be sure. [She said to pursue, and this was a kind of pursuit.]
You have been incredibly patient with me. Its only right I offer you the same. [He took weeks to figure out his own emotions. Took longer to figure out his issues with MK and even that probably has some more work to be done, they were just figuring it out. Patient with him when he broke down on her, at several points.]
[How could he not offer her the same?]
[Even if he hated the thought of being distant, of not being able to see her, if she needed time, he could give her time.]
[He nods if she asked it was okay.] Whatever you need. A schedule for as long as you need it. And...and it would probably be good for you and MK to talk anyway.
Our relationship was the first point we covered after the confirmation there were feelings, and he made no protests against it. Encouraged it in wanting you and I to be happy. But with how he is, [the garbage self worth] he may be panicking about your friendship, so if you weren't already planning it, I would like to ask that you reassure him in regards to that. If you can. And when you're ready. I can handle that part until you're in a space for it.
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--All the rooms here come sound proofed. Have you not noticed that? [ Living in a house with so many people, so many couples, so many booty calls, you figure these things out. ]
[ She moves her arms around him, the movements almost tentative. Holding him loosely. She's still fighting the urge to run off -- but she isn't. It's something. ]
We'll talk often. I'll make sure that at least once a day you can hear my voice. [ She doesn't want to fade out of his life, that's not the point here. ]
Just -- please use the time to work out whatever needs working out with MK the best you can. And if you need to process that with someone, I think that, for now, it would be best if someone else helped you with that. Although I'm very glad you trusted me that far.
[ She can't be the confessional anymore, not about this. Not for a while. ]
I'll let you know when I'm ready to ease back into talking about those things. I'm fairly sure I can do it gracefully. I'd never want you to feel like MK is off-limits entirely for discussion [ because probably it would mean he never says anything at all ] but as far as working out your relationship issues, it will take some time before I can manage to listen to it. Not much time, just a little.
[ There is a marked hesitation when he mentions her talking to MK, her entire body tensing sharply. ]
I need time for that. I can text him and let him know things are going to be okay, that's manageable because it's the truth. But he made me promise not to lie to him, and if I tried to tell him that I'm not angry right now, it wouldn't be true. My instincts are what they are -- but I'll simmer down. You described your emotions to me, the reactivity, how the initial burst isn't the real feeling, and my anger isn't the real feeling. It just takes longer for mine to burn away.
I'm not sure how long it will be until I can have a conversation with him, even over text. But I'll do it when I can. I have no desire to hurt him or have distance from him.
...I really am sorry. I know this isn't the way you wanted this conversation to go. [ She tried to run, she said things that probably hurt to hear, she's going to refuse to see him for weeks on end, and she can't talk to MK. It's not a fun list of things. But that's why she needs the time away. She can see what would happen if she didn't take the time, tried to grit her teeth and force it, and she knows it would be ugly. She doesn't want that even though she's hurting. ]
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[He squeezes her briefly.] I'll be sure to prompt to answer your call. Even if it's a simple good morning. [It would help. Immensely. He doesn't like forceful separation. He knows it's temporary, but there are those lingering scars of what it's like to know where someone is and be unable to go to them. And while he had many tricks to try and remember things about his father....he had forgotten his voice.]
[Hearing her voice would keep him centered.]
[He doesn't say all that. He's brought this difficulty to Saya and he can swallow that anxiety for her sake.]
[She is right though. If she didn't want to hear about MK, he would never say anything at all unless it was entirely unavoidable.]
[It may be the case regardless going forward. It's hard for him to not overcompensate.] I'll work things out with Noodle Boy. I promise. [There's been enough pressure release that the fear is no longer choking him, eating at his rationality. He can make the promise.] Don't worry about us. Take care of yourself.
[He nods against her shoulder. A shuddering breath. He squeezes her again.] I understand. I appreciate letting him know, and I can take care of him until you can talk to him. Neither one of you wants the other to hurt. I'll keep his dark voices at bay until you're ready. Please have someone for your own.
What matters is you're okay. Don't rush. I can be patient for you, and take care of things on our end until then. I knew this would be a difficult conversation to have. It's why I didn't want it anywhere that mattered to you. The haircomb is affection, but less sentimental in case you couldn't stand to ever see it again. I wanted you to still have evidence of my care, but the freedom to burn it all if it became a painful association.
Whatever I hoped, what matters is what makes it the easiest for you. Even if it's something ugly for a while.
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[ Saya had anticipated he wouldn't like the idea of separation, however short-term. It would sting with horrible reminders. But if she doesn't take the time to work her stuff out, she might do something regrettable, something that could make a separation that's not fixable. (Part of her wants to. The spiteful, fearful part that says he's already got one foot out the door, might as well shove him out entirely, punish him for the hurt and insult of making her second to anyone. She's ignoring it.) ]
You can call me as well. It's important that you know you're free to do that. If you're doubting, if you're worried, if you want to check in, if you want me to feel closer, then reach out. It would make me happy if you did.
[ Other than not being able to handle the "my relationship with MK" issues, she doesn't want him to feel at all limited. At all like he has to wait for her to reach out first. If she can't answer right then, she won't, but she'll always come back to it when she can. ]
I have plenty of support, don't you worry. Endless support. [ There's a reason she can be so present with Red Son when he needs her and not, this conversation excepted, let her own feelings run the show. She has many sources to process her feelings. And she's a little worried that Red Son doesn't, and she's just removed herself as a source for at least some of his stronger feelings -- but, again, it's because the status quo would probably result in her making things really bad. She knows herself that far. ]
I could never burn anything you gave me. Never.
...But your consideration of my feelings is very much appreciated.
[ She pauses, then her arms hold him tighter. ] I love you. [ And there's a reason she hasn't said that in this conversation until now, because it makes her cry. Not altogether in a negative way, though she can imagine he'll take it as mostly negative. ]
I'm still with you. I'll come back to you physically in no time at all. Barely a blink. And I'll have myself managed, I'll be fine with you and MK, and you can have both of us without any worries about it. We'll make you so happy, you'll wonder if it's truly real.
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[That choice was incredibly easy.]
[If reaching out would hurt her, he would swallow and suffer with his anxiety in silence. But if she wanted assurance he wanted to reach out, then he could do that too. Even if it was to bid her good night and assure his nerves she was still reachable even if he couldn't go to her right then.]
Good. I'm glad to hear you'll rely on them. [And he means it. He knows how much not having support weighs on someone. He's used to it. Even if he has decided to try and change that now. Without the Project, with the idea of 'what he wants' in his head, he is going to make the effort to at least find more friends. Perhaps that will be something to focus on during this period when he's not figuring things out with MK.]
[Still, it warms his heart to hear she doesn't want to destroy something he gave her, even if it was more a trinket compared to other gifts.]
[There is a sharp breath at the affection. The change in her voice, the risked glance up to see tears does worry him, but he can't deny hearing the affection does ease him a bit.]
I love you too. [It's a sweet promise. It's hard to believe, the dark voices telling him this was all a mistake, he's been too greedy and he would suffer for it.]
[But he wanted to believe better. He wanted the happiness this could give him.]
[He moves a hand to her cheek.] Am I allowed one more kiss for now?
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