My next memory is about a hundred years later. My species hibernates for decades at a time, so there's a lot of empty spots. I know I must have traveled pretty extensively in the intervening time based on the number of languages I speak... anyway.
This is the massacre I told you about. My first recovered memory. It's in a jungle, where a simple fishing village is being attacked by monsters. They're sort of the same as my kind, which I found out at the end of the memory.
A squad of soldiers is trying to protect the village, but their big guns aren't doing anything to the monsters. Things are on fire, there are a few scattered corpses of villagers and soldiers. There's a camera recording the whole thing, and the memory is from that footage. And then I show up. I'm wearing a simple hospital gown, no shoes, and carrying a sword. And I don't have any thoughts in my head at all, just pure instinct -- rage. So I don't have any idea why any of this was happening, but I have a few theories.
Anyway, I proceed to attack the monsters. I'm incredibly fast, and the monsters don't seem to be able to hurt me; they hit me sure, but it doesn't slow me down. For whatever reason I can kill with my sword when the bullets wouldn't even hurt them, so one by one I slice up the ones in my path. And then...
[ She takes a shuddering breath ]
...and then I kill all the villagers. All of them, one by one. Sometimes I stop after they've fallen and just hack at the corpse. The soldiers try to shoot me but their bullets don't hurt me, they only draw my attention -- so I kill all the soldiers. A man wearing an old-fashioned black suit runs up in a panic and calls to me, I slice off his arm and keep going. The camera operator get sliced in half but the camera keeps rolling from the ground where it fell.
The last bit of the memory shows me and the monsters sort of lumbering around the remains of the village. As the fire light dies down, our eyes glow. Mine and the monsters', all glowing the same red. That's where it ended.
[ Aliza goes quiet. Pretzel can feel free to judge her for this, she certainly does. It's defined everything about her time here. ]
[ he is quiet after that, but he doesn't look horrified or disgusted. He just seems contemplating, like usual. It's after a bit that he finally speaks ]
You say you weren't thinking at all - that you were moving on instinct. Is it possible you hadn't achieved a true sense of self yet by then? Even your earlier memories were about you being trained. It's not unlikely you acted on what you knew.
I've considered that, yes. I think whatever organization had control over me at that point, they sent me in there as a weapon. They put me in that state so I would have no choice but to fight. And then I went out of control.
The man in black, he didn't fit in with that scene. He wasn't a soldier or a villager, and he knew me. So he was definitely with them.
-- None of that excuses what I did, even so. There's still part of me that wants to do what I did in that village again. Whether they put it there or it's just a part of who I am, I'm responsible for making sure it stays buried enough that I never act on it. [ This place, of course, makes that a challenge. So she has pacts with a bunch of people to kill her if it happens. ]
Why do you think it doesn't excuse it? If a sword is used to cut down someone, does the fault lie with the sword or with the person wielding it?
I don't mean to judge or presume to know what you have gone through. But you were not in control during this. It's good that you want to make sure you won't lose it again, but no matter how I look at it, I don't think you are responsible for what happened back then.
Oh -- a lot of reasons. And a lot of people have tried to talk me out of them.
Mostly I have this idea that if I'd been stronger, they wouldn't have been able to control me. That I should have been able to control my own body and mind regardless of whatever they did to me.
I think it's good that you are striving to do better and ensure you won't lose control in the future.
I don't believe it's my place to talk you out of your reasons and I'm certain your guilt over this incident is probably part of why you told me this was very emotional for you. If it had been me losing control in such a way I would probably also feel responsible.
However ... I hope with time the wound won't feel so raw anymore.
Thank you. I hope so too. [ She tends to keep the wound open and raw on purpose, as some sort of sick tribute to the people she's killed. But it would be nice if one day she was able to find another way to honor them. ]
I don't have much of the story after that. A few brief moments where I'm still being directed by the same organization, but nothing so dramatic. They're supplying me weapons and giving me a target, but I'm agreeing to it. I don't know if that is the result of more mind games or my own will.
...To be entirely honest, I haven't bought any memories in weeks. I needed a break.
If you'd like, we can take our next ones together.
It will be some time before I'm able to afford it, but I was thinking of waiting to be able to take two or three. That would give you a little more time to decide if you want to take others or not.
That's a very kind offer. Let me know when you're about to take some memories then, and I'll decide whether I'm ready.
Maybe sometime I'll get a good memory. Being bombarded with horrible things doesn't inspire me to sign up for more of it.
In the meantime, if you want to do some more Lives to earn points, I'll help if I can, and I could ask some friends to contribute too so we all get more points from it.
If you were to lose control again than I will worry about it when and if it will happen. As far as I'm concerned you don't pose a threat, and you weren't at fault for what happened.
Your memories did give me a lot to think about. So unless you have something else to add, I'll head back home.
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Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Did that kid stay with you after that?
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
My next memory is about a hundred years later. My species hibernates for decades at a time, so there's a lot of empty spots. I know I must have traveled pretty extensively in the intervening time based on the number of languages I speak... anyway.
This is the massacre I told you about. My first recovered memory. It's in a jungle, where a simple fishing village is being attacked by monsters. They're sort of the same as my kind, which I found out at the end of the memory.
A squad of soldiers is trying to protect the village, but their big guns aren't doing anything to the monsters. Things are on fire, there are a few scattered corpses of villagers and soldiers. There's a camera recording the whole thing, and the memory is from that footage. And then I show up. I'm wearing a simple hospital gown, no shoes, and carrying a sword. And I don't have any thoughts in my head at all, just pure instinct -- rage. So I don't have any idea why any of this was happening, but I have a few theories.
Anyway, I proceed to attack the monsters. I'm incredibly fast, and the monsters don't seem to be able to hurt me; they hit me sure, but it doesn't slow me down. For whatever reason I can kill with my sword when the bullets wouldn't even hurt them, so one by one I slice up the ones in my path. And then...
[ She takes a shuddering breath ]
...and then I kill all the villagers. All of them, one by one. Sometimes I stop after they've fallen and just hack at the corpse. The soldiers try to shoot me but their bullets don't hurt me, they only draw my attention -- so I kill all the soldiers. A man wearing an old-fashioned black suit runs up in a panic and calls to me, I slice off his arm and keep going. The camera operator get sliced in half but the camera keeps rolling from the ground where it fell.
The last bit of the memory shows me and the monsters sort of lumbering around the remains of the village. As the fire light dies down, our eyes glow. Mine and the monsters', all glowing the same red. That's where it ended.
[ Aliza goes quiet. Pretzel can feel free to judge her for this, she certainly does. It's defined everything about her time here. ]
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
You say you weren't thinking at all - that you were moving on instinct. Is it possible you hadn't achieved a true sense of self yet by then? Even your earlier memories were about you being trained. It's not unlikely you acted on what you knew.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
The man in black, he didn't fit in with that scene. He wasn't a soldier or a villager, and he knew me. So he was definitely with them.
-- None of that excuses what I did, even so. There's still part of me that wants to do what I did in that village again. Whether they put it there or it's just a part of who I am, I'm responsible for making sure it stays buried enough that I never act on it. [ This place, of course, makes that a challenge. So she has pacts with a bunch of people to kill her if it happens. ]
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
I don't mean to judge or presume to know what you have gone through. But you were not in control during this. It's good that you want to make sure you won't lose it again, but no matter how I look at it, I don't think you are responsible for what happened back then.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Mostly I have this idea that if I'd been stronger, they wouldn't have been able to control me. That I should have been able to control my own body and mind regardless of whatever they did to me.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
I don't believe it's my place to talk you out of your reasons and I'm certain your guilt over this incident is probably part of why you told me this was very emotional for you. If it had been me losing control in such a way I would probably also feel responsible.
However ... I hope with time the wound won't feel so raw anymore.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
I don't have much of the story after that. A few brief moments where I'm still being directed by the same organization, but nothing so dramatic. They're supplying me weapons and giving me a target, but I'm agreeing to it. I don't know if that is the result of more mind games or my own will.
...To be entirely honest, I haven't bought any memories in weeks. I needed a break.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
It will be some time before I'm able to afford it, but I was thinking of waiting to be able to take two or three. That would give you a little more time to decide if you want to take others or not.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Maybe sometime I'll get a good memory. Being bombarded with horrible things doesn't inspire me to sign up for more of it.
In the meantime, if you want to do some more Lives to earn points, I'll help if I can, and I could ask some friends to contribute too so we all get more points from it.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
As for your suggestion ... I might have to wait some time before then. I feel like I need a bit more to recover from my last one.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Take all the time you need. This place asks a lot of us so it's important to spend time recuperating. [ Which she absolutely never does ]
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Your memories did give me a lot to think about. So unless you have something else to add, I'll head back home.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
I'll stay here awhile, but have a nice walk back. And good luck with whatever you have to think about.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
I'll see you around then.
[ and with that, he will wave at her and walk away ]