Why do you think it doesn't excuse it? If a sword is used to cut down someone, does the fault lie with the sword or with the person wielding it?
I don't mean to judge or presume to know what you have gone through. But you were not in control during this. It's good that you want to make sure you won't lose it again, but no matter how I look at it, I don't think you are responsible for what happened back then.
Oh -- a lot of reasons. And a lot of people have tried to talk me out of them.
Mostly I have this idea that if I'd been stronger, they wouldn't have been able to control me. That I should have been able to control my own body and mind regardless of whatever they did to me.
I think it's good that you are striving to do better and ensure you won't lose control in the future.
I don't believe it's my place to talk you out of your reasons and I'm certain your guilt over this incident is probably part of why you told me this was very emotional for you. If it had been me losing control in such a way I would probably also feel responsible.
However ... I hope with time the wound won't feel so raw anymore.
Thank you. I hope so too. [ She tends to keep the wound open and raw on purpose, as some sort of sick tribute to the people she's killed. But it would be nice if one day she was able to find another way to honor them. ]
I don't have much of the story after that. A few brief moments where I'm still being directed by the same organization, but nothing so dramatic. They're supplying me weapons and giving me a target, but I'm agreeing to it. I don't know if that is the result of more mind games or my own will.
...To be entirely honest, I haven't bought any memories in weeks. I needed a break.
If you'd like, we can take our next ones together.
It will be some time before I'm able to afford it, but I was thinking of waiting to be able to take two or three. That would give you a little more time to decide if you want to take others or not.
That's a very kind offer. Let me know when you're about to take some memories then, and I'll decide whether I'm ready.
Maybe sometime I'll get a good memory. Being bombarded with horrible things doesn't inspire me to sign up for more of it.
In the meantime, if you want to do some more Lives to earn points, I'll help if I can, and I could ask some friends to contribute too so we all get more points from it.
If you were to lose control again than I will worry about it when and if it will happen. As far as I'm concerned you don't pose a threat, and you weren't at fault for what happened.
Your memories did give me a lot to think about. So unless you have something else to add, I'll head back home.
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Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 07:29 am (UTC)I don't mean to judge or presume to know what you have gone through. But you were not in control during this. It's good that you want to make sure you won't lose it again, but no matter how I look at it, I don't think you are responsible for what happened back then.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 06:01 pm (UTC)Mostly I have this idea that if I'd been stronger, they wouldn't have been able to control me. That I should have been able to control my own body and mind regardless of whatever they did to me.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 06:07 pm (UTC)I don't believe it's my place to talk you out of your reasons and I'm certain your guilt over this incident is probably part of why you told me this was very emotional for you. If it had been me losing control in such a way I would probably also feel responsible.
However ... I hope with time the wound won't feel so raw anymore.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 06:59 pm (UTC)I don't have much of the story after that. A few brief moments where I'm still being directed by the same organization, but nothing so dramatic. They're supplying me weapons and giving me a target, but I'm agreeing to it. I don't know if that is the result of more mind games or my own will.
...To be entirely honest, I haven't bought any memories in weeks. I needed a break.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 07:02 pm (UTC)It will be some time before I'm able to afford it, but I was thinking of waiting to be able to take two or three. That would give you a little more time to decide if you want to take others or not.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 07:09 pm (UTC)Maybe sometime I'll get a good memory. Being bombarded with horrible things doesn't inspire me to sign up for more of it.
In the meantime, if you want to do some more Lives to earn points, I'll help if I can, and I could ask some friends to contribute too so we all get more points from it.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 07:12 pm (UTC)As for your suggestion ... I might have to wait some time before then. I feel like I need a bit more to recover from my last one.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 07:17 pm (UTC)Take all the time you need. This place asks a lot of us so it's important to spend time recuperating. [ Which she absolutely never does ]
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 07:22 pm (UTC)Your memories did give me a lot to think about. So unless you have something else to add, I'll head back home.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 07:27 pm (UTC)I'll stay here awhile, but have a nice walk back. And good luck with whatever you have to think about.
Re: Day 486 - afternoon
Date: Jul. 31st, 2022 07:29 pm (UTC)I'll see you around then.
[ and with that, he will wave at her and walk away ]