...I already understood your point without you making it. That's not what I'm getting at.
All I said was that it's difficult to reconcile the fact that what I want is something that I know hurts him. I'm trying to figure out how I fit into this picture while causing him the least amount of pain and giving you both the most possible happiness.
[ Clearly Saya distancing herself doesn't effect anyone's happiness at all, that's the truth inside her head. ]
I'm not thinking of it in those terms, okay? But yeah, compared to the thought of hurting him again, or hurting you, I don't care about hurting myself.
[ Why should she? She's used to pain, she's good at it. ]
He was so hurt that he lost control and almost killed us. So yes, in the face of that I find it hard to see why my slightly hurt feelings should matter.
It did, though. Have to do with me. I knew how he felt about you because he told me outright. I knew how you felt about him because, how couldn't I?
I wanted to let you two work things out so I didn't push you to talk to each other, I thought it wasn't my place, and look what happened! Even after you gave me the bracelet, I saw MK's reaction to it and we had this whole intense discussion about it and I tried to tell him that I was never going to limit what you could be to each other, but I didn't say it in a way that sank in because if I had then weremonkey wouldn't have been so devastated.
So much of him hurting and you hurting could have been avoided or lessened if I just-- [ she doesn't even know what, but something. Anyone with half a brain could have found a dozen ways. ]
It's not so easy to take myself out of it and be objective about something like this.
[ But fine, she'll try. This takes a moment. ]
I guess I'd say that loving someone can only be a good thing, and that fear about it is counterproductive. And probably that she should talk to MK about it.
[ But Saya can't talk to MK, that's not a thing anymore. ]
I spent years, centuries, being told, conditioned, manipulated, to put my own feelings last. To become a monster and a genocidal killer of my own family for the sake of the world and everyone in it. And then I went to Hell to be tortured and I had to do the same thing for the sake of myself and those relying on me not being tortured even worse.
There have been exactly two times that I put my own feelings first. Once was ten minutes before Haji died, and the other was in Hell where I insisted on not sending out poison in that game I told you about, where my punishment was hurting and trying to kill everyone I loved and getting chained up like a dog for five days.
I get the point you're making and not one bit of it makes me less afraid to give my own feelings any priority whatsoever.
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Re: Amnesiakong start day
All I said was that it's difficult to reconcile the fact that what I want is something that I know hurts him. I'm trying to figure out how I fit into this picture while causing him the least amount of pain and giving you both the most possible happiness.
[ Clearly Saya distancing herself doesn't effect anyone's happiness at all, that's the truth inside her head. ]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
[That isn't a question.]
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[ Why should she? She's used to pain, she's good at it. ]
He was so hurt that he lost control and almost killed us. So yes, in the face of that I find it hard to see why my slightly hurt feelings should matter.
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Re: Amnesiakong start day
I wanted to let you two work things out so I didn't push you to talk to each other, I thought it wasn't my place, and look what happened! Even after you gave me the bracelet, I saw MK's reaction to it and we had this whole intense discussion about it and I tried to tell him that I was never going to limit what you could be to each other, but I didn't say it in a way that sank in because if I had then weremonkey wouldn't have been so devastated.
So much of him hurting and you hurting could have been avoided or lessened if I just-- [ she doesn't even know what, but something. Anyone with half a brain could have found a dozen ways. ]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Take yourself out of the situation a minute.
What would you tell Mei to do? She brings that whole situation to you and asks for help. What do you tell her?
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[ But fine, she'll try. This takes a moment. ]
I guess I'd say that loving someone can only be a good thing, and that fear about it is counterproductive. And probably that she should talk to MK about it.
[ But Saya can't talk to MK, that's not a thing anymore. ]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Talk to MK about his feelings or....?
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And I'd say that she should talk to you about feeling like she had to pull away or stay away, whatever one calls it.
[ Which is what Saya's been trying to do here. ]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
And anything else Mei should cover?
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Probably apologies for making assumptions.
Re: Amnesiakong start day
And what do you think MK should say to Mei?
Re: Amnesiakong start day
I spent years, centuries, being told, conditioned, manipulated, to put my own feelings last. To become a monster and a genocidal killer of my own family for the sake of the world and everyone in it. And then I went to Hell to be tortured and I had to do the same thing for the sake of myself and those relying on me not being tortured even worse.
There have been exactly two times that I put my own feelings first. Once was ten minutes before Haji died, and the other was in Hell where I insisted on not sending out poison in that game I told you about, where my punishment was hurting and trying to kill everyone I loved and getting chained up like a dog for five days.
I get the point you're making and not one bit of it makes me less afraid to give my own feelings any priority whatsoever.