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[sangreine]

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[sangreine]

[ ...Oh. The mundane but also very Difficult form of complicated. ]

You were just a child, Katsuki. You're not that person anymore.

[ But that's all she'll interject for now. Just waiting to hear the rest. ]

[katsuking]

No, I am.

[Katsuki replies so easily, his voice so serious when he says that and he shoves his card back in his pocket.]

It's only been a couple months since I learned to stop acting like that. And even then.... I went and did it to him again.

He's only ever been nice to me, and only ever helped me and saved my ass even when no one else wanted to. But I've only been mean to him, and have only pushed him away when he tried to help and I was only just starting to get good at keeping those shitty thoughts about him to myself and accepting his help.

[He pulls a hand up to his face, covering his eyes as he feels tears starting to sting the corners of them. So he speaks through grit teeth.]

But then this stupid place happened! This stupid place where the only thing people need help with is-- is holding hands and being gushy to one another! I've never dealt with these things before, and I didn't think I was ever going to but then I-- th-things just started going so fast and the closer we got the more I started to want to physically hurt him again...

[sangreine]

[ She wants to argue because he's absolutely grown up, enough to hear her out after the fact and message her with an apology, but she wants to be a comfort more than she wants to make a point. ]

[ She takes a slow step closer, just one. Not too close, not touching him or even attempting to. ]

You want to hurt him... to accomplish what? [ There's wanting to hurt someone to shove them away, and then there's... other reasons. ]

[katsuking]

I don't...

["I don't know." is what he was going to say but.. he does. Doesn't he?]

I-it's just... it's just what.. I want to do when-- when these feelings... these stupid feelings crawl up..!

[He grips at the front of his hoodie, trying desperately to keep his tears in as he continues.]

I didn't even know I had them in the first place but.. it just makes sense. Th-that the reason I pushed him away wasn't just because I felt threatened by him it-- it's because I... [He's scared of being in love with him. But he can't say it.]

[sangreine]

Because anger is easier than feeling other things?

[ This isn't her being startlingly insightful, it's just -- obvious. Saya is a lot of things but she knows love when she sees it... as long as it's outside her own life, of course. ]

[katsuking]

[Wordlessly.. Katsuki just nods. And then he has to bring both of his hands to cover his face, because it's so painful having to talk about this. It's so embarrassing having Saya-- someone who has to deal with so much more-- sit here and hold his hand through some stupid teenage romance drama.

But he's also... very thankful that she has the time for him, anyway. And he speaks up after a few seconds, muffled and voice cracking a bit as he tries to keep it steady.]

I kissed him! I went and kissed him without his permission and I-- I just wanted to strangle him so bad after I did that and I don't know why but I knew that I-I didn't want to hurt him again a-and that I had to leave and the look on his face was.. w-was so fucking....

[Awful. Just awful.]

[sangreine]

[ Please, this is so much more worth her time then wrangling her own stupid life. ]

[ She steps forward and rests her hand on his shoulder to give it a comforting squeeze. ]

Hey. It's going to be okay. He forgave you for everything before, didn't he? He'll forgive this too. If... if there's anything to forgive.

It sounds like he didn't get much of a chance to react before you left, so you don't really know what he's thinking.

[katsuking]

[Katsuki allows her to rest a hand on his shoulder, becoming more and more used to physical contact as he spends days in this place. It's comforting too, admittedly... he sinks forward a little bit, until his forehead rests against her a little.]

He's forgiven me too many times already...!

[He really feels like this was the last straw. He's scared he ruined their relationship permanently. Forever.]

[sangreine]

[ She slowly, lightly slides her arm around him. ]

You don't know that he's angry, or even upset. He may have been just surprised, or dismayed that you were leaving right after.

But if you feel like you owe him for the past, then what you need to do is go and look him in the eye and tell him the truth. Why you kissed him, and why you left. If you don't...

[ She hesitates. She doesn't want to trauma dump all over him again. ]

I know what it's like to regret not telling someone how you feel until it's too late. I don't want that for you, or for him.

[katsuking]

[He won't hug back, instead opting to cling to the front of his shirt right over his heart as the tears start to spill down his chin. He's still desperately trying to keep it together, but his voice sounded strained and was barely over a whisper at this point.]

I've been gone for six days...!

[How is Izuku NOT upset with him? How is he supposed to even look him in the eye after not coming home for so long?]

[sangreine]

And? He knows you. I bet he'll understand if you give him a chance to. [ Her voice is gentle even if her words might not be. She gets it. ]

Six days feels like forever when you're in pain, I know. But he deserves the chance to decide whether he forgives you. He's worth that much, isn't he? [ She damn well knows Katsuki can't say no to that. ]

[katsuking]

[Goddammit... when she puts it that way, he really can't say no.]

He's worth... h-he's worth so much more than that.

[He truly is. Izuku is such a special, one of a kind person who deserves to be recognized by everyone in Katsuki's eyes. He deserves the whole world.

Not to be treated like dirt. How Katsuki always treats him.]

[sangreine]

[ yep she's a regular pain in the ass when she's right and knows it ]

Good. And you're strong enough to do it. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Even if it's the scariest thing you've ever done.

Go back. Tell him everything. Let him forgive you. And make it the last time he needs to.

[katsuking]

[Make it the last time he needs to... that's so much easier said than done when you're a boy who's intrusive thoughts are violent and plenty. But.. he is strong. He's overcome so many things, and this is just one of those hurdles he needs to get over.


He can't really say anything, but he gives Saya a nod.]

[sangreine]

[ her heart;;; ]

For whatever tiny bit it's worth, I'm proud of you. It took me two hundred years to do what you're doing. [ So she knows how hard it is. ]

[katsuking]

I-I just...

[It's so hard. It's so damn hard, but it's helping immensely having someone with some kind of experience talking to him about it. If he had stayed alone.. who knows how long he would've waited to come home.]

I-I just spent so long hurting him. I spent so many years insulting him, and hitting him, and blowing up his stuff, and humiliating him and... and everyone was so scared of me that they didn't want to be around him like he had some kind of disease and I-- I.... I just can't hurt him again. I don't want to see him be hurt again.

H-Heroes-- heroes aren't supposed to hurt people. [Especially not the people they love.]

[sangreine]

[ She feels far too much of that far too personally. ]

Not even heroes are perfect. [ Especially teenage ones. ] What matters is that you admitted you were wrong and started to set things right.

You and I are a lot alike. I worry about those things, too. [ She hurts people, and worries about hurting them worse. If not from her direct actions, from her hibernation and amnesia. ] That I don't deserve the people around me, that I'm bound to hurt them again. But when I tried to push them away, they told me that I had no right to make that choice for them. That I had to trust and value them enough to let them decide whether to take that risk. And they were right.

[katsuking]

[Katsuki honestly didn't expect Saya to relate to this so well, or to be able to give advice that he resonated with so much. He reached out to her because she was the first person he could think of-- she's married, so she at least has some kind of success with romance. So her telling him exactly what he needs to hear hits harder for him than he really... could ever expect.

"They told me I had no right to make that choice for them." Those words in particular resonate so much that it hurts. His chest hurts. And he doubles forward a little more, his head pressing into her stomach as he grips tighter at his shirt. Desperately trying to keep it together.]

I... fuck. I-I'm such an asshole.

[He croaks that out. Because he really regrets leaving like that. Not giving Izuku the proper chance to make a choice for himself if Katsuki had overstepped a boundary or not.

He did seem into the kiss just as much as Katsuki... god. It's all too confusing.]

I... I don't know how to talk to him again. Do I just sh-show up? Text him? What if he doesn't...

What if he doesn't want to see me again?

[sangreine]

[ Well he's definitely getting a proper hug now. ]

You're not. You were scared. It happens to the best of us when we feel things too intensely.

[ As for how to do this... she hums as she considers. ] If it were me, I'd text and tell him I want to come home and talk. Maybe get a snack you both like on the way home or offer to cook something so you have something to do with your hands.

But it doesn't really matter how, as long as you talk. Do the whole thing over text if you think it'll be easier to get things out.

[katsuking]

[Katsuki still won't hug back, because he's not really done that with anyone other than Izuku before.. not even his own parents. But he does nod against her, as he listens to her advice and thinks about it.]

I.. I can ask if he wants k-katsudon. It's.. it's his favourite.

[He'll let go of his shirt with his right hand, to wipe at his face with the back of his hand.]

[sangreine]

[ She gives him a gentle squeeze. She couldn't care less if he hugs her back, he's not shrugging her off. ]

That sounds perfect.

Then just start talking. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be honest.

[katsuking]

O.. okay.

[It is a special thing for him to not immediately shrug her off, honestly. She should consider it an honor!!]

I... th.. thank you, Saya. Thank you for putting up with me.

[To be honest, she has a lot of qualities that Katsuki's mother, Mitsuki, has. But not as rough around the edges as she can be, so he feels more comfortable being honest with Saya than he would Mitsuki.

It's.. very comforting.]

[sangreine]

[ She does, actually. A precious honor she'll cherish. (And not abuse.) ]

Put up with you, please. Until now I've dumped all my problems in your lap -- which I never apologized properly for, so. I'm sorry, Katsuki. You aren't some sounding board for me to vent all over.

But even if that hadn't happened, it's the least I can do for someone I consider a friend. I just want you to be okay. Both of you.

[katsuking]

I... I don't mind it if it's from a friend.

[She doesn't have to apologize for venting to him.. maybe it was a bit much the first time, but he's also understanding now of why she was so upset in the first place so he has no hard feelings over that, either.]

But I appreciate the apology. And I appreciate the advice.

[Now, Katsuki will very gently reach to push Saya off of him.]

You're... a really nice person, Saya. You'd make a good Hero.

[sangreine]

[ She releases him and takes a step backwards. And then he says that about being a hero and she feels incredibly sick, but she draws a breath and tries not to think about it. He means it as a compliment, and she's honored that he thinks so. Even if he's completely wrong. ]

Thank you. I'm glad if I helped. I can't promise I'll always have good advice, but you're always welcome to talk to me if you need to.