If calming down is what you're after then I'm pleased about that, but you being so passionate is part of what I love about you. I'd never try to change that.
[ Intensity isn't a bug, it's a feature. ]
[ She beams when he kisses her. ] I'm glad you like it.
--Do I get that box now? [ Or does the Talk come first ]
I can be passionate with less wanting to set my work on fire if I'm particularly frustrated.
[He's just saying.]
Yes, yes.
Its not as nice, but. [He'll open up the box for her to see a golden haircomb, with a red ruby heart and red ruby tears surrounding it.] The coincidence is amusing. [He takes the comb out of the box.] May I?
[She just gave him a very sweet and thoughtful gift and he doesn't want to utterly ruin the mood, but he's already delayed ONCE because it would have been THE WORST TIME and if he keeps delaying, MK may start thinking he's ashamed or something asinine and there is a greater risk of Saya finding out some other way that WOULD make it hurt more and-]
[Better to ruin a good mood, than a bad one.]
[He just might never get to air this hair piece in front of her and she may never be able to look at pandas again, but...but that was the real worst case scenarios, right? The reasonable ones?]
[ It's a good thing she's also a fast eater, because she has the sandwich down by the time he speaks. ]
[ The first thing Saya does is shut her eyes, because she knows they'll be glowing a fierce red. Her instincts rising up enough to choke her. She doesn't want to project the wrong idea, and she's scary when she's -- angry. Hurt. ]
[ But there is more than hurt and anger, much more. As she's said, she never feels just one way about anything. So it's not a lie when she says: ]
Thank every deity in the multiverse. You two were driving me crazy.
[ And if her voice is a little pinched, a little bit too cheerful to be fully genuine, don't mind it. She's doing her best. Even if her instincts are screaming and roiling and she wants to hoard what's hers and unleash her fists and fangs on the threat, to take and take and-- ]
[ No. Breathe. She curls her knees to her chest, arms wrapped tight around her legs. Protectively. ]
[ She's not a hatchling anymore, she can manage this. Her newly enhanced instincts can't compete with how much she loves both Red Son and MK and wants them to be happy. She encouraged this, she pushed for this. She knew it was inevitable. (If she tried to forbid it, to make Red Son choose, she's so certain that she wouldn't like what he chose.) And she has a new partner herself, her sixth, and he's not losing his mind over it, in fact he's happy for her, so don't be a hypocrite. Red Son is so understanding of her having so many partners, and they have an agreement, and she knew, she knew this was coming, she should have been ready, she thought she was ready-- ]
[ She has his bite on her neck, his family crest on her wrist. Her position with him is secure. Unless he goes back to his world without her, unless he forgets... a fear that will become all the more potent within a few days when Venti is suddenly gone. ]
[ She pictures her wings bursting out, how quickly she could be up and away, the air a cold snap in her lungs as she escapes this feeling. Flee from her problems as she is so wont to do, fly at top speed to the edge of the map and maybe outrun all the dark thoughts in her head. ]
[ Breathe. ]
[ It's going to be fine. She knows he loves her. Without question. She knows MK wouldn't want her to feel this way, feel threatened. He wouldn't want her to run, she'd only hurt them both. So she stays put. For now. That could change at any second. Doing this outside was perhaps not the best move, there's too many ways she could run. She's considering all of them. ]
[ She doesn't dare open her eyes yet, or say anything else. ]
[ She just needs a minute. It might be a rough minute. ]
[Red Son hadn't wanted her to feel cornered. He hadn't wanted to ruin some place important to her. He hadn't wanted to do this in a place where others would see. Even as he hopes it'll be fine, the dark voices are too strong to dismiss to not decide on the ultimal place to tell her.]
[And when there wasn't one....]
[Well, that's why there's a tracker in the hair comb.]
[A nice hair comb, a gift for her to keep, but in this specific instance, it was to be sure he would be able to go after her, regardless of how fast or where she chooses to run.]
[He'll tell her about it when this conversation is done and they're somewhere stable.]
[He glances at her at the sentence and just]
[Waits]
[Waits for her to say anything else. To ask questions. Or give a sign for him to talk.]
[Instead she just curls up and]
[This is difference. Because if she had any doubts in his feelings, it had been because he messed up. They had talked about Mei, but it was over the phone and hypotheticals, nothing solid and real.]
[This was something solid and real and it was the first time where Red Son had definitely turned eyes away from her for certain. Not pulled away, but his eyes weren't just for her.]
[He leans against her. Reaching out to put his arm over one of hers. Angles his arm so she can still see the mark.]
[ She flinches away when he leans against her. Eyes squeezed shut. She doesn't keep shying away past that initial burst, but she doesn't lean back against him. ]
[ Her feelings are what they are, and right now things are dark in there. She's wondering if she's destined to lose everything she loves, if part of him is already gone. ]
I just... need a minute.
[ She tries to focus on breathing. On the way her scar tugs when she moves her head. It doesn't work all that well, but it's something. ]
[ She doesn't want to hear that when she is struggling to believe it. And she tenses to move, to run, to get some space and do what she does, what she warned him about, which is be alone to punish herself. ]
[ She's not forceful about moving since she doesn't want to shove him off, so he has every chance to snag her. Hopefully he's ready for it. ]
[ That's not it at all. She doesn't begrudge MK who he is or the bonds he makes. She happens to think he's wonderful and deserves every good thing. ]
I lost every piece of my past. Most if it gladly. Some of it...
[ Like Haji. Like Kai. Like... she can't think of his name, but she knows the feeling she gets when she thinks about him. Like Nem and Ren and Pentium, and soon Venti-- ]
I'll never have that history with anyone again. And my instincts don't take well to being... substract. [ It's an archaic word, but it's the closest one she can think of. An accessory, inferior, unnecessary... it's some combination of all those. ]
[ She'll never again have a guarantee that someone won't leave her, because she doesn't make Chevaliers anymore. And that leaves the part of her that needs to be Always First for someone just adrift. ]
You'll never need me the way you need them. The way you never shut up about them. [ She hadn't meant to say that since she never wants him to feel like he can't speak freely, but there it is. ]
[ She forces a few deep breaths into her lungs. She doesn't exactly resent that Red Son talks about Mei and MK every other sentence, but she does feel it indicates where she stands. Why it took him months and months to even agree to be more than casual with her and for MK it was immediate. And she's not sure how to explain the obvious. ]
I don't think I can put it into words.
I'm very aware of that history and how separate I am from it.
[ It's like Venti with Lumine. Yuri with Flynn. A connection she can't find anywhere anymore. She doesn't begrudge anyone that, but it still hurts. ]
I'll be fine. I knew this would-- I'll be fine. I just need a minute.
The only reason I can put things into words is because of you.
I never needed to put things into words. Mother and I understood each other. Father and I were still struggling to find a way to connect and words wasn't how either of us did.
And I'm going to talk about them, but there is a point.
MK and Mei pursued me. They bothered me. I ran from them because our situation made me afraid what would happen if I didn't, you've certainly heard my fears, and they just kept coming, until circumstances forced me to reach out to them. If not for the Samadhi Fire, if Mei hadn't needed me specifically, I would have kept running after the Lady Bone Demon. The entire basis of our friendship is because they refused to give up on me and because Mei's ancestor.
Then I came here.
And in not so many words, you asked me what I wanted.
I spent my whole life never...really giving that any true thought. Of course I wanted my father back, I wanted my mother happy, but if mother hadn't been so determined to free him...would I have dedicated my whole life to that goal? Or would I have tried to move on and live my own life?
Ultimately, I never really had to think of anything I wanted for myself, free of what my parents wanted me to do. And the only thing I had wanted independent of them made me afraid of losing them, so I didn't think about it. I didn't try to put it into words.
But you wanted to know what I wanted. Did I want to explore something new, did I really want to dedicate so much time to helping you, did I want you.
I love you for many reasons. You're strong, you're powerful, you're beautiful, you're kind, you would do wonderfully in a demon court, you're fun to be around, you're passionate, you have a lovely smile.
But when it comes down to people I 'need' in my life...
I needed someone to ask that question.
What did I want.
Because if you hadn't asked, I would have taken years to realize I loved you, if I ever did. The same would be true of MK and Mei because I would have refused to even think about it. Because what it comes down to...I never had to think about what I actually wanted for myself. But you wanted to know. You pushed me to find that answer, but were patient, giving me the pressure and the time I needed to actually figure out what that answer was.
[ At first she's barely able to listen over the yelping din of her feelings, but as he talks she slowly relaxes. Memories flow with the words, and she's able to let things settle in a way that she struggles with when her instincts are galloping in every direction. ]
[ The natural question is probably to ask him what he wants. She absolutely doesn't want that answer. ]
I want you to have everything that makes you happy. I love you, and I love MK. [ Albeit differently. ] There's a reason I pushed you in his direction, too.
But I... that was never going to be easy for me. My husband doesn't have other romantic partners, nor do my others... except Venti, and he's the god of freedom, so it's a little different, and we were all friends and lovers before any romance happened. [ Yeah that's a whole kettle of fish, but it's one she has no problem digesting. ]
I hope it means something that I want that for you, even knowing what it would feel like for me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 09:54 pm (UTC)[ Intensity isn't a bug, it's a feature. ]
[ She beams when he kisses her. ] I'm glad you like it.
--Do I get that box now? [ Or does the Talk come first ]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 09:58 pm (UTC)[He's just saying.]
Yes, yes.
Its not as nice, but. [He'll open up the box for her to see a golden haircomb, with a red ruby heart and red ruby tears surrounding it.] The coincidence is amusing. [He takes the comb out of the box.] May I?
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 10:03 pm (UTC)Honestly, that's too funny. Seems we're getting to know each other quite well indeed.
It's lovely. Thank you.
[ She lengthens her hair so it will be easier to put up, then turns her back. ]
Go right ahead.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 10:07 pm (UTC)[He will carefully gather her hair to put in the hair comb. He's done his mother's hair, so its easy enough for him to do it.]
[And leans down to kiss over the mark on her neck.]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 10:12 pm (UTC)[ A brief hum when he kisses the scar. She does so love having that reminder. And the one on her wrist, and the new one in her hair. ]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 10:15 pm (UTC)I like your mind. [He sits down beside her and picks up a container of fruit sandwiches to hold it out to her.]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 10:23 pm (UTC)Well, that's a relief.
[ She takes a sandwich and starts eating it in her dainty way. She has excessive food politeness syndrome. ]
So, what did you want to tell me?
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 10:27 pm (UTC)[Steeling himself.]
[She just gave him a very sweet and thoughtful gift and he doesn't want to utterly ruin the mood, but he's already delayed ONCE because it would have been THE WORST TIME and if he keeps delaying, MK may start thinking he's ashamed or something asinine and there is a greater risk of Saya finding out some other way that WOULD make it hurt more and-]
[Better to ruin a good mood, than a bad one.]
[He just might never get to air this hair piece in front of her and she may never be able to look at pandas again, but...but that was the real worst case scenarios, right? The reasonable ones?]
[He takes a deep breath and lets it out.]
...Noodle boy and I spoke.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 10:33 pm (UTC)[ The first thing Saya does is shut her eyes, because she knows they'll be glowing a fierce red. Her instincts rising up enough to choke her. She doesn't want to project the wrong idea, and she's scary when she's -- angry. Hurt. ]
[ But there is more than hurt and anger, much more. As she's said, she never feels just one way about anything. So it's not a lie when she says: ]
Thank every deity in the multiverse. You two were driving me crazy.
[ And if her voice is a little pinched, a little bit too cheerful to be fully genuine, don't mind it. She's doing her best. Even if her instincts are screaming and roiling and she wants to hoard what's hers and unleash her fists and fangs on the threat, to take and take and-- ]
[ No. Breathe. She curls her knees to her chest, arms wrapped tight around her legs. Protectively. ]
[ She's not a hatchling anymore, she can manage this. Her newly enhanced instincts can't compete with how much she loves both Red Son and MK and wants them to be happy. She encouraged this, she pushed for this. She knew it was inevitable. (If she tried to forbid it, to make Red Son choose, she's so certain that she wouldn't like what he chose.) And she has a new partner herself, her sixth, and he's not losing his mind over it, in fact he's happy for her, so don't be a hypocrite. Red Son is so understanding of her having so many partners, and they have an agreement, and she knew, she knew this was coming, she should have been ready, she thought she was ready-- ]
[ She has his bite on her neck, his family crest on her wrist. Her position with him is secure. Unless he goes back to his world without her, unless he forgets... a fear that will become all the more potent within a few days when Venti is suddenly gone. ]
[ She pictures her wings bursting out, how quickly she could be up and away, the air a cold snap in her lungs as she escapes this feeling. Flee from her problems as she is so wont to do, fly at top speed to the edge of the map and maybe outrun all the dark thoughts in her head. ]
[ Breathe. ]
[ It's going to be fine. She knows he loves her. Without question. She knows MK wouldn't want her to feel this way, feel threatened. He wouldn't want her to run, she'd only hurt them both. So she stays put. For now. That could change at any second. Doing this outside was perhaps not the best move, there's too many ways she could run. She's considering all of them. ]
[ She doesn't dare open her eyes yet, or say anything else. ]
[ She just needs a minute. It might be a rough minute. ]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 10:44 pm (UTC)[And when there wasn't one....]
[Well, that's why there's a tracker in the hair comb.]
[A nice hair comb, a gift for her to keep, but in this specific instance, it was to be sure he would be able to go after her, regardless of how fast or where she chooses to run.]
[He'll tell her about it when this conversation is done and they're somewhere stable.]
[He glances at her at the sentence and just]
[Waits]
[Waits for her to say anything else. To ask questions. Or give a sign for him to talk.]
[Instead she just curls up and]
[This is difference. Because if she had any doubts in his feelings, it had been because he messed up. They had talked about Mei, but it was over the phone and hypotheticals, nothing solid and real.]
[This was something solid and real and it was the first time where Red Son had definitely turned eyes away from her for certain. Not pulled away, but his eyes weren't just for her.]
[He leans against her. Reaching out to put his arm over one of hers. Angles his arm so she can still see the mark.]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 11:00 pm (UTC)[ Her feelings are what they are, and right now things are dark in there. She's wondering if she's destined to lose everything she loves, if part of him is already gone. ]
I just... need a minute.
[ She tries to focus on breathing. On the way her scar tugs when she moves her head. It doesn't work all that well, but it's something. ]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 11:02 pm (UTC)[She told him. She told him she isolates when she wants to hurt herself and to not let her.]
[So he keeps leaning against her.]
I'm not going anywhere.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 11:14 pm (UTC)I lose everyone I love.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 11:17 pm (UTC)That's why I'm putting together the addresses to get back to you and I'm going to get them tattooed onto my skin.
I have eternity to figure out the mystery and I will get back to you. That is what I do.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 11:27 pm (UTC)[ She doesn't want to hear that when she is struggling to believe it. And she tenses to move, to run, to get some space and do what she does, what she warned him about, which is be alone to punish herself. ]
[ She's not forceful about moving since she doesn't want to shove him off, so he has every chance to snag her. Hopefully he's ready for it. ]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 11:28 pm (UTC)Never.
You accepted my mark. This is part of the deal.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 11:39 pm (UTC)I'm sorry. It's not-- not that I object. Just...
[ She's struggling to put into words why she's having such a reaction. It's instinct, and those are not often able to be neatly described. ]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 16th, 2023 11:46 pm (UTC)[His hold tightens on her.] And that's terrifying.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 17th, 2023 12:01 am (UTC)[ That's not it at all. She doesn't begrudge MK who he is or the bonds he makes. She happens to think he's wonderful and deserves every good thing. ]
I lost every piece of my past. Most if it gladly. Some of it...
[ Like Haji. Like Kai. Like... she can't think of his name, but she knows the feeling she gets when she thinks about him. Like Nem and Ren and Pentium, and soon Venti-- ]
I'll never have that history with anyone again. And my instincts don't take well to being... substract. [ It's an archaic word, but it's the closest one she can think of. An accessory, inferior, unnecessary... it's some combination of all those. ]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 17th, 2023 12:11 am (UTC)Do you really think you're not a defining person for me, Saya?
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 17th, 2023 12:29 am (UTC)[ She'll never again have a guarantee that someone won't leave her, because she doesn't make Chevaliers anymore. And that leaves the part of her that needs to be Always First for someone just adrift. ]
You'll never need me the way you need them. The way you never shut up about them. [ She hadn't meant to say that since she never wants him to feel like he can't speak freely, but there it is. ]
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 17th, 2023 12:35 am (UTC)The way I need them...
How do you think I need them, Saya?
Let me understand where your head is at.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 17th, 2023 01:09 am (UTC)I don't think I can put it into words.
I'm very aware of that history and how separate I am from it.
[ It's like Venti with Lumine. Yuri with Flynn. A connection she can't find anywhere anymore. She doesn't begrudge anyone that, but it still hurts. ]
I'll be fine. I knew this would-- I'll be fine. I just need a minute.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 17th, 2023 01:38 am (UTC)The only reason I can put things into words is because of you.
I never needed to put things into words. Mother and I understood each other. Father and I were still struggling to find a way to connect and words wasn't how either of us did.
And I'm going to talk about them, but there is a point.
MK and Mei pursued me. They bothered me. I ran from them because our situation made me afraid what would happen if I didn't, you've certainly heard my fears, and they just kept coming, until circumstances forced me to reach out to them. If not for the Samadhi Fire, if Mei hadn't needed me specifically, I would have kept running after the Lady Bone Demon. The entire basis of our friendship is because they refused to give up on me and because Mei's ancestor.
Then I came here.
And in not so many words, you asked me what I wanted.
I spent my whole life never...really giving that any true thought. Of course I wanted my father back, I wanted my mother happy, but if mother hadn't been so determined to free him...would I have dedicated my whole life to that goal? Or would I have tried to move on and live my own life?
Ultimately, I never really had to think of anything I wanted for myself, free of what my parents wanted me to do. And the only thing I had wanted independent of them made me afraid of losing them, so I didn't think about it. I didn't try to put it into words.
But you wanted to know what I wanted. Did I want to explore something new, did I really want to dedicate so much time to helping you, did I want you.
I love you for many reasons. You're strong, you're powerful, you're beautiful, you're kind, you would do wonderfully in a demon court, you're fun to be around, you're passionate, you have a lovely smile.
But when it comes down to people I 'need' in my life...
I needed someone to ask that question.
What did I want.
Because if you hadn't asked, I would have taken years to realize I loved you, if I ever did. The same would be true of MK and Mei because I would have refused to even think about it. Because what it comes down to...I never had to think about what I actually wanted for myself. But you wanted to know. You pushed me to find that answer, but were patient, giving me the pressure and the time I needed to actually figure out what that answer was.
I can say what I want because of you.
(no subject)
Date: Oct. 17th, 2023 02:14 am (UTC)[ The natural question is probably to ask him what he wants. She absolutely doesn't want that answer. ]
I want you to have everything that makes you happy. I love you, and I love MK. [ Albeit differently. ] There's a reason I pushed you in his direction, too.
But I... that was never going to be easy for me. My husband doesn't have other romantic partners, nor do my others... except Venti, and he's the god of freedom, so it's a little different, and we were all friends and lovers before any romance happened. [ Yeah that's a whole kettle of fish, but it's one she has no problem digesting. ]
I hope it means something that I want that for you, even knowing what it would feel like for me.
[ Because it's the best she's got right now. ]
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