I'll think about it. [ She thinks that she might be an utterly frustrating exercise for whoever tries to help her. She doesn't especially want absolution. ]
[ She places the duck on her shoulder, perfectly balanced, and hums for it so that the music continues. ]
I try my best. What could I gift you in return, I wonder? There must be something.
That's all I ask is you think about it. This is a place for a second chance or just working through things. Rehabilitation and self-improvement. It isn't like we're trying to get souls into heaven here.
[He chuckles.]
Whatever you wish to. I wanted to make it for you for being my friend. Someone who doesn't judge me. I appreciate you very much, Saya. And that's why I made it for you.
If your goal is getting souls into heaven, I think I might be a lost cause. Maybe the time would be better spent on others. [ Who haven't, you know, perpetrated a genocide on their own families. How many commandments does that break? ]
[ She gives him a smile. ] Of course I wouldn't judge you. You're lovely. And you haven't judged me, either.
[He notices the shudder but doesn't bring it up. She moves on quickly to another difficult subject.]
No one is hopeless. And I believe in you. But if you do not want to, then I will not push. Just the idea is there and our doors will always be open. Even if you just need a hug and a stiff drink.
It's not a lack of wanting to. I'd love to meet your daughter, for one thing. [ Turns out they're going to meet in the least favorable situation, but anyway. ]
I have a hard time getting into what I did, especially with anyone who is generally understanding. Being soothed or comforted feels like it's diminishing the weight of it. And then I start arguing because I feel I have to, on behalf of those I wronged so horribly, and it starts to sound like I just want to be miserable. It's never gone well.
[Lucifer hums.] Sounds like you want to talk to someone who acknowledges the gravity of what you've done. Not attempts to soothe your feelings over it but tackle the gravity of the sins. Am I understanding correctly?
That's more or less it. I can't possibly see any hope unless I know that there's agreement on the scale of the problem. Everyone always wants to jump to the comfort and skip the middle. I understand that they want to make me feel better but I don't think I should feel better, so it ends up that I stop responding in order to get out of the discussion with a minimum of damage to them or to the relationship.
You sinned. You feel guilty and that guilt you want acknowledged, not buried. Whatever the context, that's important. Your guilt is important. I understand that. We can't just erase the mistakes and decisions of the past by soothing ourselves and not looking at what we did. Why we did it. And know the gravity of it.
It's more that what those who I wronged went through needs to be at the center of any discussion. My guilt is what it is because I took away their voice. Any comfort or reassurance for me takes away from that, and how can that possibly be good?
...I always fail entirely at explaining this well. But I feel like, generally, the goal of getting me to feel better is a bad one and so the discussion is doomed before it begins. The only time I've felt like there was any good resolution is when Wukong agreed to train me to prevent what I did from happening again. At least that was productive. Making me feel better is not productive, and a pointless effort besides.
A discussion on them then. Since what you did to them is why you feel guilt. I think you're doing a fine job so far.
Did you want to talk about those people now? Either way is okay. I didn't mean to get us started down this path but if you would like to, I would listen.
Being proactive and productive does sound like a good idea. How has the training been going?
Right, because you don't know the specifics. You of all people would probably be safest to talk about it with, I'm sure you've seen everything. But I still don't want to. Not yet.
Training is... going. The trouble is that in order to really make progress I'll need to be tested in ways that might make it happen again. I'll have to let go of the tight grip I have on my control. Last time that happened I hurt one of my partners immeasurably and a whole slew of others. That's not an easy thing to risk.
I mean, I have seen the scope and breadth of depravity and sin, true.
Hmm. No, it wouldn't be. To let yourself go, you'd need to make sure that wouldn't happen. As in completely sure.
If you like, I could talk to Wukong about assisting? I think between the two of us, we could take you. And I can practice my Spring healing powers as well. We all win.
I'm quite sure he can confine or kill me if he wished to, given his army of clones. I might be able to outrun one of him when I'm lost, but not that many. [ But she's never seen Wukong's top speed... then again, he's never seen hers. She only pulls out all the stops when she's out of control, so. ]
I assume you have impressive capabilities? I don't mean to pry, I only want to be sure I couldn't possibly hurt you. I'm a handful when I lose control.
Oh quite impressive. I usually don't try very hard, I'll admit. But angelic power does have it's advantages. And I am immortal. You couldn't smite me even if you wanted to.
I do believe in Wukong though. I'm certain he can do the job. Though he isn't the only one with clones.
Wukong and I are immortal too, and we can still die here. I was always theoretically killable under certain specific conditions, it's just incredibly hard. And Wukong shouldn't be able to die at all under any circumstance. I have no desire to find out that you're able to be killed here by it happening at my hand.
That said, if you wanted to help I'm sure he'd embrace it. He isn't precious about it, he knows how important this is to me.
--That would mean I have to tell you everything, and I'm not sure I'm there yet. It's not a lack of trust, I promise.
It might. I know how hard that can be, when I was stuck in hell they made me mortal so that I could be killed same as the others, took my abilities away so it'd be easier. I had a uniquely bad reaction to dying, probably because some part of me knew that it was unnatural for me.
For whatever it's worth, it's as terrible as it sounds. I always came up fighting. [ Her loved ones had a whole ass protocol for reviving her. ] Revival here is kinder, that said. [ Why yes that does mean she's died here too. ]
Spending time together sounds nice. I could use a little nice. I haven't been quite right in a while, that's why I've been so scarce.
The whole point was that we die. For the amusement of the masses. So of course it was designed to make that happen. Even the healing powers they gave some of us were brutal and painful. Less like natural healing and more like medieval surgery.
[ Yeah, Imeeji sucked. ]
I'm finding myself partial to long walks lately, since my usual coping mechanisms are a no-go. Is that something you do?
How cruel. I mean, it is Hell but that's taking things to an extreme I despise. May that hell suffer and fall into the abyss. Bye bye.
[He nods.]
I do indeed love long walks. I would be glad to. We could walk through one of the segments. Just enjoy the weather and the environment. That sounds nice.
The program was shut down, so at least there's that. I hope it never reopens.
Long walks it is, then. I could probably manage some singing during those, I don't think that would be too difficult for me. It's been a long time since I got over my aversion to music.
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Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 25th, 2024 08:32 pm (UTC)[ She places the duck on her shoulder, perfectly balanced, and hums for it so that the music continues. ]
I try my best. What could I gift you in return, I wonder? There must be something.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 25th, 2024 09:45 pm (UTC)[He chuckles.]
Whatever you wish to. I wanted to make it for you for being my friend. Someone who doesn't judge me. I appreciate you very much, Saya. And that's why I made it for you.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 26th, 2024 06:12 pm (UTC)[ She gives him a smile. ] Of course I wouldn't judge you. You're lovely. And you haven't judged me, either.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 26th, 2024 08:44 pm (UTC)[He gives a soft smile back.]
And I'm glad neither of us are the judgmental type. It is why I enjoy being your friend so much.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 26th, 2024 09:09 pm (UTC)I think I'm pretty hopeless. [ She meant that to come out as a joke, but it lands rather heavily. ]
There's a reason I'm not judgmental, is all.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 03:06 am (UTC)No one is hopeless. And I believe in you. But if you do not want to, then I will not push. Just the idea is there and our doors will always be open. Even if you just need a hug and a stiff drink.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 03:19 am (UTC)I have a hard time getting into what I did, especially with anyone who is generally understanding. Being soothed or comforted feels like it's diminishing the weight of it. And then I start arguing because I feel I have to, on behalf of those I wronged so horribly, and it starts to sound like I just want to be miserable. It's never gone well.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 04:10 pm (UTC)[Lucifer hums.] Sounds like you want to talk to someone who acknowledges the gravity of what you've done. Not attempts to soothe your feelings over it but tackle the gravity of the sins. Am I understanding correctly?
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 04:16 pm (UTC)Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 04:37 pm (UTC)Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 05:27 pm (UTC)...I always fail entirely at explaining this well. But I feel like, generally, the goal of getting me to feel better is a bad one and so the discussion is doomed before it begins. The only time I've felt like there was any good resolution is when Wukong agreed to train me to prevent what I did from happening again. At least that was productive. Making me feel better is not productive, and a pointless effort besides.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 05:32 pm (UTC)Did you want to talk about those people now? Either way is okay. I didn't mean to get us started down this path but if you would like to, I would listen.
Being proactive and productive does sound like a good idea. How has the training been going?
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 05:51 pm (UTC)Training is... going. The trouble is that in order to really make progress I'll need to be tested in ways that might make it happen again. I'll have to let go of the tight grip I have on my control. Last time that happened I hurt one of my partners immeasurably and a whole slew of others. That's not an easy thing to risk.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 07:53 pm (UTC)Hmm. No, it wouldn't be. To let yourself go, you'd need to make sure that wouldn't happen. As in completely sure.
If you like, I could talk to Wukong about assisting? I think between the two of us, we could take you. And I can practice my Spring healing powers as well. We all win.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 08:13 pm (UTC)I'm quite sure he can confine or kill me if he wished to, given his army of clones. I might be able to outrun one of him when I'm lost, but not that many. [ But she's never seen Wukong's top speed... then again, he's never seen hers. She only pulls out all the stops when she's out of control, so. ]
I assume you have impressive capabilities? I don't mean to pry, I only want to be sure I couldn't possibly hurt you. I'm a handful when I lose control.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 27th, 2024 08:17 pm (UTC)I do believe in Wukong though. I'm certain he can do the job. Though he isn't the only one with clones.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 28th, 2024 07:57 pm (UTC)That said, if you wanted to help I'm sure he'd embrace it. He isn't precious about it, he knows how important this is to me.
--That would mean I have to tell you everything, and I'm not sure I'm there yet. It's not a lack of trust, I promise.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 28th, 2024 08:04 pm (UTC)I...what a novel concept. Huh.
[He's just gonna sit on that for a little bit.]
And that's completely fair. I'm am in no rush to rush you. And spending more time with you sounds lovely, either way.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 28th, 2024 10:33 pm (UTC)For whatever it's worth, it's as terrible as it sounds. I always came up fighting. [ Her loved ones had a whole ass protocol for reviving her. ] Revival here is kinder, that said. [ Why yes that does mean she's died here too. ]
Spending time together sounds nice. I could use a little nice. I haven't been quite right in a while, that's why I've been so scarce.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 28th, 2024 10:35 pm (UTC)At least here it doesn't sound as painful or tedious.
Then nice you shall have. Whenever you feel like and whatever you wish to do. Just ask.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 28th, 2024 10:44 pm (UTC)[ Yeah, Imeeji sucked. ]
I'm finding myself partial to long walks lately, since my usual coping mechanisms are a no-go. Is that something you do?
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 28th, 2024 10:54 pm (UTC)[He nods.]
I do indeed love long walks. I would be glad to. We could walk through one of the segments. Just enjoy the weather and the environment. That sounds nice.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 28th, 2024 11:06 pm (UTC)Long walks it is, then. I could probably manage some singing during those, I don't think that would be too difficult for me. It's been a long time since I got over my aversion to music.
Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 29th, 2024 02:59 am (UTC)Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
Date: Jun. 29th, 2024 04:00 am (UTC)Re: Voice - UN: KingofHell
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