"Does it really matter if I bring someone joy for a while when I end up hurting them in the end? I haven't run from you entirely because I know that would make you sad, but I'll end up ruining this. It's inevitable with me. I'll hurt you or kill you somehow and then I'll have to live with that."
"-Then, thinking about it from a different perspective: I am a figment of someone's mind intended to teach them guilt. My entire purpose for existing is to cause someone's heart torment. Does that mean I should avoid interacting with anyone, because I'll inevitably do the same to them?"
"And when is the last time you actually did that? It's not a fair comparison, because I do it all the time. I fight and kill for fun or because I can't help it. Even MK knows it, or Candid wouldn't have been able to set me up as he did."
"Asking me to look at you and judge you based on that isn't fair. You didn't guilt anyone into almost destroying MK. Even Red Son and Wukong called me stupid for it, but they used the wrong word. Not stupid, it was cruel. That's what I am."
Kantera has killed people here as well, but he doesn't think bringing it up will be particularly effective - the people who kidnapped Korone deserved it, and Saya's victims did not, she'll say.
"MK doesn't hate you for what happened, even if you think he should. If you asked him, he would certainly say that pushing him away makes him sad, the same as it is for me."
There's a big difference between I've killed some people and I committed a genocide and at least one massacre then some when it comes to dealing with guilt, unfortunately.
"Of course he'd forgive me, that's his nature. But that doesn't change that he knows I'm a killer. He knows I'm cold enough to kill something with my dear friend and teacher's face. He must know it or the setup wouldn't have worked."
"He knows you are willing to do what has to be done, no matter how painful it is to you personally. And he cares for you all the same, even knowing that."
"But I don't want people to care about me. That's how they get hurt."
She deeply wants Haji right now. At least she can't physically harm him, and she's hurt him enough emotionally that he's prepared for it. Awful as that sounds.
"I'm so worried for you that I can barely stand it. Everyone, but you most of all."
Saya knows that he's hearing her, but she's still struggling.
"But I wouldn't recover. And I don't trust myself. If you were harmed and needed a heart game, I wouldn't be able to go in because I don't know what I'd do to you. Do you know how many times I've thought of moving out so you're safe?"
"This has been my struggle all my life. There's probably no easily fixing it. I thought that I had it under control, but that heart game ripped it all open again."
"I miss Yuri and Venti terribly all the time, but especially now. I need all of you if I'm going to get past this." And that's what she can't have.
"I can't bring them here, though I wish I could, and I certainly can't replace them. But you have me, and Red Son, and MK, and Porty. You have people who care for you very deeply and want to help you, no matter how difficult it is."
Is that enough? He has to hope so, because there's nothing he can do to bring Yuri and Venti back.
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Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 08:08 pm (UTC)Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 08:11 pm (UTC)For the first time, her voice wobbles a little.
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 08:17 pm (UTC)Kantera gently gives her arm a squeeze.
"-Then, thinking about it from a different perspective: I am a figment of someone's mind intended to teach them guilt. My entire purpose for existing is to cause someone's heart torment. Does that mean I should avoid interacting with anyone, because I'll inevitably do the same to them?"
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 08:24 pm (UTC)"Asking me to look at you and judge you based on that isn't fair. You didn't guilt anyone into almost destroying MK. Even Red Son and Wukong called me stupid for it, but they used the wrong word. Not stupid, it was cruel. That's what I am."
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 08:32 pm (UTC)"MK doesn't hate you for what happened, even if you think he should. If you asked him, he would certainly say that pushing him away makes him sad, the same as it is for me."
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 09:04 pm (UTC)"Of course he'd forgive me, that's his nature. But that doesn't change that he knows I'm a killer. He knows I'm cold enough to kill something with my dear friend and teacher's face. He must know it or the setup wouldn't have worked."
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 09:07 pm (UTC)Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 09:09 pm (UTC)She deeply wants Haji right now. At least she can't physically harm him, and she's hurt him enough emotionally that he's prepared for it. Awful as that sounds.
"I'm so worried for you that I can barely stand it. Everyone, but you most of all."
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 09:12 pm (UTC)Kantera takes her hand in his to squeeze.
"Even if you were to hurt me, I would recover."
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 09:16 pm (UTC)"But I wouldn't recover. And I don't trust myself. If you were harmed and needed a heart game, I wouldn't be able to go in because I don't know what I'd do to you. Do you know how many times I've thought of moving out so you're safe?"
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 09:21 pm (UTC)Her feelings are valid and he understands where they come from.
"To me, having you in my life is worth that risk. I'm sure others feel the same."
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 09:23 pm (UTC)"I wouldn't survive it if I hurt or kill another person I love."
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 09:32 pm (UTC)"I wish I could promise you that wouldn't happen. I would do anything I could to take your worries away, my dear."
But they both know he can't promise that with certainty.
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 11:40 pm (UTC)"I miss Yuri and Venti terribly all the time, but especially now. I need all of you if I'm going to get past this." And that's what she can't have.
Re: action
Date: Jan. 20th, 2025 11:44 pm (UTC)Is that enough? He has to hope so, because there's nothing he can do to bring Yuri and Venti back.