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From:

sangreine

"I don't."

"But the people who love me do what me to feel better. So I don't know."

From:

noodleboi

"...Are you sure you don't? I'm only asking because you did say earlier you wish you could go to sleep and forget. So you wouldn't feel this way anymore. I just want to make sure, you don't want to feel better or is it you feel you don't deserve to feel better?"

From:

sangreine

"I don't deserve to feel better. And also, if I could, what would that make me?"

From:

noodleboi

"Letting yourself feel happy doesn't mean you don't still feel guilty for the past. But you let yourself feel other things. Suffering all the time doesn't fix the things that you did. Your punishment won't undo it. To make up for it, to make amends, you have to let yourself feel other things so you can try and do something to move forward and help others move forward? That's what my therapist says, basically. Or what I think she's saying."

From:

sangreine

"But if I get too comfortable, let my guard down, it could happen again."

From:

noodleboi

"Maybe the trick then is to not let yourself get too comfortable. Remind yourself. Once a day or a week or something? Keep yourself alert. But give yourself moments with people you know won't do that to do or you won't do that to them. The people who love you. Your husband. Red Son. More moderation maybe is part of the answer?"

From:

sangreine

She considers, then shakes her head.

"I don't know. I don't think I should feel better and I'm not sure I want to. I just don't want to hurt them."

From:

noodleboi

"I know a lot of people would disagree with the should part. I hope you do want to. Or I hope you start wanting to. And I'm sorry I used you like that. That I set it up and that I thought of using your trauma for my own ends."

From:

sangreine

She looks down and doesn't say anything for a long moment.

"It's not my place to forgive you."

From:

noodleboi

Candid nods. "That's fair. MK hasn't forgiven me. I know that. Azure MK made that more than clear. I still have a lot to do to earn that forgiveness. I've only just gotten started."