sangreine | IC Contact/Inbox || Thread Overflow

Stop yelling at me.

Don't you think that I want to be all those things properly again? Don't you think I haven't tried to will these feelings away a thousand thousand times? I'm trying!

Are you trying? Or are you thinking that if you just give in to them that people will figure out that they are better off without you even though they all keep saying they're not?

If willing them away isn't working, you gotta try something else. You say it happens over and over and over again but is it always the exact same? Is it always the same mistake or does it just feel like it is because it's easier to blame yourself than think about how it all actually got fucked up? Because then you'd have to put some of that blame on the people you love most and that feels wrong and it hurts and makes you feel even worse but maybe, just maybe, it isn't all on you and it's time you actually try thinking about it like that.

There's only so much you can will away and bury and hope nothing ever brings it up again because then are you learning or are you just bottling everything up inside and hoping to Buddha it explodes at the right person at the right time so no one ever has to see it aimed at them?

Edited 2025-03-07 03:28 (UTC)

Saya pulls her knees up and buries her face in her arms. Her mouth moves but in the silence bubble it's impossible to tell what she said.

MK sighs silently in the bubble.

Do you want me to drop the bubble?

She nods miserably. She doesn't know why it's up in the first place.

MK drops the bubble. The sound comes back and he knocks on the table, letting the noise sound out in the kitchen.

He didn't have to knock the table, because as soon as the bubble drops he'll hear Saya crying near-hysterically.

MK's lip quivers hearing the sound of her crying. He stands and walks around to stand beside her. He doesn't touch but he opens his arms in case she needs or even wants a hug.

Saya peeks out and it looks for a long moment like she might shoo MK off, but then she tps over and falls against him.

"I'm sorry."

MK is ready to be shooed away. She is suddenly tipping and he catches her, holding her close.

"I know. I know," he rubs her back and his voice is soft as a whisper now.

"I don't know what to do. I don't want to be this way."

"That's the first step. Knowing you don't want to keep being this. And you aren't alone. The people who love you are here to help. Let us all in. Let it out. We can take it. Don't push us away. Remember you are more than just one thing. Let us remind you of all the other things you are. The things you do."

Mk holds her a little tighter and his voice cracks. "A-And let yourself hear it. Don't...dismiss it because you don't feel like it's true. Because it is for us. For them. And that means so much."

"But what if I can't?"

"If you can't yet, you work on it. Ask for help. And write down what they say. So you can read it and practice. Knowing they won't lie to you. Why would they? They can't be wrong about how they feel. They can't be wrong that they love you."

She nods in a way that's impossible to tell how much she's really taking in.

"I'm so scared."

"We're all scared. All the time. ...I'm scared too. Scared of losing my best friend."

She wishes she could tell him that won't happen, but she can't.

So Saya just keeps right on crying.

MK doesn't say anything else. He just holds Saya for now, rubbing her back and letting her cry.

It takes quite a while for her crying to slow down even a little.

She hasn't entirely stopped when she whispers, "I'll try." It's the best she's got. Even if she feels like she's already failed.

"Thank you. For trying. And I forgive you," MK whispers and is quiet for a moment.

I'm trying too.

"I know," she whispers again. Her voice is hoarse from sobbing so that's the best she's got. And she'd never doubted that MK was trying.

MK keeps holding Saya. He pets her hair and pulls back to kiss her forehead.

"We need more tea."

Saya nods and flops over onto the counter, hiding her face in her folded arms. MK knows how to get more tea, she figures, and she doesn't especially feel up to showing her face yet since she's still crying.

MK plucks out a hair and makes a clone to make tea. He stays near Saya and is going to just keep rubbing her back and wrapping an arm around her. He isn't leaving her. Not right now.

Eventually, Saya sits up and wipes her face with a handkerchief.

"I'm not used to having to deal with this. Usually I'd get depressed and closed off and then I'd go to sleep and wake up happy because I didn't remember anything." She's literally never gotten herself out of a depression before. It always solved itself.

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