[ She wanted to hear his unfiltered reaction to this: ]
Us being apart was hard on you, wasn't it? [ This is related to their conversation, honest. Saya needed some distance and time, but she no longer wants him to feel like he's being held at arm's length. That's not why she's saying that he should focus on MK and not her. It's worry for her friend and that's all, nothing like a desire to shut him out. ]
And do you feel like I'm still keeping you at a distance? Or do you fret about that? Is that why you think I was encouraging you not to worry about me?
I know part of it was that you hadn't told each other your feelings yet, but if it hadn't been for me you would have had lots of time, there wouldn't have been the same pressure.
It doesn't matter if it was my fault or wasn't, he got hurt. Weremonkey expresses things MK can't or won't, and he was miserable. You where miserable. How could that not effect me?
And he wanted you to himself. It was obvious. That's how he'd feel if he let himself. I'm in the way of that.
I couldn't possibly give you up, it's unthinkable. But that means he's giving up something he wants. It hurts me to think of how I've hurt him and how I'm still hurting him. I should want my friend to be happy but here I am in the way of it and refusing to budge.
It's difficult to reconcile. That's all. At least I know if I encourage you to be with him then you're both happy.
You think MK would want Mei, his very best friend in the world, thinking like you are right now? Being down and hating herself? Acting like her very existence was a problem to him?
[ Saya is going to make the equivalent of a swear jar for MK and Mei and Red Son will owe her several million dollars within a month. ]
Of course I don't think MK wants anyone hurting. That's the point. Weremonkey shows the feelings he tends to hide, so I know he's feeling that regardless of how he tends to shove it all to the side for the sake of others.
I can't just pretend I don't know that, even if he might deny it.
I can confidently say everything you say about you versus MK in this situation, you'd have to apply to her.
Those feelings were going to exist regardless of you. There was ALWAYS going to be a divide in my heart and it's not exactly easy to let go of feelings for someone who has part of my soul in them so even if MK got me to himself first, that was going to be a thing to deal with. No if, only when.
If you think tormenting yourself is a reasonable thing to do, you have to think Mei should do the same if she returns those feelings.
So, can you think someone should treat themselves like you treat yourself?
...I already understood your point without you making it. That's not what I'm getting at.
All I said was that it's difficult to reconcile the fact that what I want is something that I know hurts him. I'm trying to figure out how I fit into this picture while causing him the least amount of pain and giving you both the most possible happiness.
[ Clearly Saya distancing herself doesn't effect anyone's happiness at all, that's the truth inside her head. ]
I'm not thinking of it in those terms, okay? But yeah, compared to the thought of hurting him again, or hurting you, I don't care about hurting myself.
[ Why should she? She's used to pain, she's good at it. ]
He was so hurt that he lost control and almost killed us. So yes, in the face of that I find it hard to see why my slightly hurt feelings should matter.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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If I need support I'll make sure you know it. Okay?
So you're aware even if you are needed more elsewhere.
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Thank you.
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[ She wanted to hear his unfiltered reaction to this: ]
Us being apart was hard on you, wasn't it? [ This is related to their conversation, honest. Saya needed some distance and time, but she no longer wants him to feel like he's being held at arm's length. That's not why she's saying that he should focus on MK and not her. It's worry for her friend and that's all, nothing like a desire to shut him out. ]
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[He's not going to deny that.]
But I understand you needed time. That doesn't mean I didn't miss you.
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It feels like you're always pushing me at MK lately.
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That's because of him needing your support with recent events, and also I want the two of you to be happy.
And I don't want to be selfish.
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But it feels like you're doing it even when MK doesn't actively need support.
We're in a relationship, you're allowed to be selfish to a degree.
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I know part of it was that you hadn't told each other your feelings yet, but if it hadn't been for me you would have had lots of time, there wouldn't have been the same pressure.
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I'm just trying to respect his feelings. And yours about him.
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And neither one of us want you to be hurting yourself for how you think we want you to act.
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And he wanted you to himself. It was obvious. That's how he'd feel if he let himself. I'm in the way of that.
I couldn't possibly give you up, it's unthinkable. But that means he's giving up something he wants. It hurts me to think of how I've hurt him and how I'm still hurting him. I should want my friend to be happy but here I am in the way of it and refusing to budge.
It's difficult to reconcile. That's all. At least I know if I encourage you to be with him then you're both happy.
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You think MK would want Mei, his very best friend in the world, thinking like you are right now? Being down and hating herself? Acting like her very existence was a problem to him?
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Of course I don't think MK wants anyone hurting. That's the point. Weremonkey shows the feelings he tends to hide, so I know he's feeling that regardless of how he tends to shove it all to the side for the sake of others.
I can't just pretend I don't know that, even if he might deny it.
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Ah, so it's Mei who will be the terrible friend if she returns my feelings?
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Those feelings were going to exist regardless of you. There was ALWAYS going to be a divide in my heart and it's not exactly easy to let go of feelings for someone who has part of my soul in them so even if MK got me to himself first, that was going to be a thing to deal with. No if, only when.
If you think tormenting yourself is a reasonable thing to do, you have to think Mei should do the same if she returns those feelings.
So, can you think someone should treat themselves like you treat yourself?
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All I said was that it's difficult to reconcile the fact that what I want is something that I know hurts him. I'm trying to figure out how I fit into this picture while causing him the least amount of pain and giving you both the most possible happiness.
[ Clearly Saya distancing herself doesn't effect anyone's happiness at all, that's the truth inside her head. ]
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[That isn't a question.]
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[ Why should she? She's used to pain, she's good at it. ]
He was so hurt that he lost control and almost killed us. So yes, in the face of that I find it hard to see why my slightly hurt feelings should matter.
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