It doesn't matter if it was my fault or wasn't, he got hurt. Weremonkey expresses things MK can't or won't, and he was miserable. You where miserable. How could that not effect me?
And he wanted you to himself. It was obvious. That's how he'd feel if he let himself. I'm in the way of that.
I couldn't possibly give you up, it's unthinkable. But that means he's giving up something he wants. It hurts me to think of how I've hurt him and how I'm still hurting him. I should want my friend to be happy but here I am in the way of it and refusing to budge.
It's difficult to reconcile. That's all. At least I know if I encourage you to be with him then you're both happy.
You think MK would want Mei, his very best friend in the world, thinking like you are right now? Being down and hating herself? Acting like her very existence was a problem to him?
[ Saya is going to make the equivalent of a swear jar for MK and Mei and Red Son will owe her several million dollars within a month. ]
Of course I don't think MK wants anyone hurting. That's the point. Weremonkey shows the feelings he tends to hide, so I know he's feeling that regardless of how he tends to shove it all to the side for the sake of others.
I can't just pretend I don't know that, even if he might deny it.
I can confidently say everything you say about you versus MK in this situation, you'd have to apply to her.
Those feelings were going to exist regardless of you. There was ALWAYS going to be a divide in my heart and it's not exactly easy to let go of feelings for someone who has part of my soul in them so even if MK got me to himself first, that was going to be a thing to deal with. No if, only when.
If you think tormenting yourself is a reasonable thing to do, you have to think Mei should do the same if she returns those feelings.
So, can you think someone should treat themselves like you treat yourself?
...I already understood your point without you making it. That's not what I'm getting at.
All I said was that it's difficult to reconcile the fact that what I want is something that I know hurts him. I'm trying to figure out how I fit into this picture while causing him the least amount of pain and giving you both the most possible happiness.
[ Clearly Saya distancing herself doesn't effect anyone's happiness at all, that's the truth inside her head. ]
I'm not thinking of it in those terms, okay? But yeah, compared to the thought of hurting him again, or hurting you, I don't care about hurting myself.
[ Why should she? She's used to pain, she's good at it. ]
He was so hurt that he lost control and almost killed us. So yes, in the face of that I find it hard to see why my slightly hurt feelings should matter.
It did, though. Have to do with me. I knew how he felt about you because he told me outright. I knew how you felt about him because, how couldn't I?
I wanted to let you two work things out so I didn't push you to talk to each other, I thought it wasn't my place, and look what happened! Even after you gave me the bracelet, I saw MK's reaction to it and we had this whole intense discussion about it and I tried to tell him that I was never going to limit what you could be to each other, but I didn't say it in a way that sank in because if I had then weremonkey wouldn't have been so devastated.
So much of him hurting and you hurting could have been avoided or lessened if I just-- [ she doesn't even know what, but something. Anyone with half a brain could have found a dozen ways. ]
It's not so easy to take myself out of it and be objective about something like this.
[ But fine, she'll try. This takes a moment. ]
I guess I'd say that loving someone can only be a good thing, and that fear about it is counterproductive. And probably that she should talk to MK about it.
[ But Saya can't talk to MK, that's not a thing anymore. ]
I spent years, centuries, being told, conditioned, manipulated, to put my own feelings last. To become a monster and a genocidal killer of my own family for the sake of the world and everyone in it. And then I went to Hell to be tortured and I had to do the same thing for the sake of myself and those relying on me not being tortured even worse.
There have been exactly two times that I put my own feelings first. Once was ten minutes before Haji died, and the other was in Hell where I insisted on not sending out poison in that game I told you about, where my punishment was hurting and trying to kill everyone I loved and getting chained up like a dog for five days.
I get the point you're making and not one bit of it makes me less afraid to give my own feelings any priority whatsoever.
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Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 16th, 2023 09:45 am (UTC)And neither one of us want you to be hurting yourself for how you think we want you to act.
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 16th, 2023 08:05 pm (UTC)And he wanted you to himself. It was obvious. That's how he'd feel if he let himself. I'm in the way of that.
I couldn't possibly give you up, it's unthinkable. But that means he's giving up something he wants. It hurts me to think of how I've hurt him and how I'm still hurting him. I should want my friend to be happy but here I am in the way of it and refusing to budge.
It's difficult to reconcile. That's all. At least I know if I encourage you to be with him then you're both happy.
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 12:28 am (UTC)You think MK would want Mei, his very best friend in the world, thinking like you are right now? Being down and hating herself? Acting like her very existence was a problem to him?
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 12:45 am (UTC)Of course I don't think MK wants anyone hurting. That's the point. Weremonkey shows the feelings he tends to hide, so I know he's feeling that regardless of how he tends to shove it all to the side for the sake of others.
I can't just pretend I don't know that, even if he might deny it.
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 12:51 am (UTC)Ah, so it's Mei who will be the terrible friend if she returns my feelings?
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 12:55 am (UTC)Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 01:03 am (UTC)Those feelings were going to exist regardless of you. There was ALWAYS going to be a divide in my heart and it's not exactly easy to let go of feelings for someone who has part of my soul in them so even if MK got me to himself first, that was going to be a thing to deal with. No if, only when.
If you think tormenting yourself is a reasonable thing to do, you have to think Mei should do the same if she returns those feelings.
So, can you think someone should treat themselves like you treat yourself?
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 01:11 am (UTC)All I said was that it's difficult to reconcile the fact that what I want is something that I know hurts him. I'm trying to figure out how I fit into this picture while causing him the least amount of pain and giving you both the most possible happiness.
[ Clearly Saya distancing herself doesn't effect anyone's happiness at all, that's the truth inside her head. ]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 01:17 am (UTC)[That isn't a question.]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 01:24 am (UTC)[ Why should she? She's used to pain, she's good at it. ]
He was so hurt that he lost control and almost killed us. So yes, in the face of that I find it hard to see why my slightly hurt feelings should matter.
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 01:35 am (UTC)Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 01:45 am (UTC)I wanted to let you two work things out so I didn't push you to talk to each other, I thought it wasn't my place, and look what happened! Even after you gave me the bracelet, I saw MK's reaction to it and we had this whole intense discussion about it and I tried to tell him that I was never going to limit what you could be to each other, but I didn't say it in a way that sank in because if I had then weremonkey wouldn't have been so devastated.
So much of him hurting and you hurting could have been avoided or lessened if I just-- [ she doesn't even know what, but something. Anyone with half a brain could have found a dozen ways. ]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 01:48 am (UTC)Take yourself out of the situation a minute.
What would you tell Mei to do? She brings that whole situation to you and asks for help. What do you tell her?
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 01:56 am (UTC)[ But fine, she'll try. This takes a moment. ]
I guess I'd say that loving someone can only be a good thing, and that fear about it is counterproductive. And probably that she should talk to MK about it.
[ But Saya can't talk to MK, that's not a thing anymore. ]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 02:01 am (UTC)Talk to MK about his feelings or....?
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 02:05 am (UTC)And I'd say that she should talk to you about feeling like she had to pull away or stay away, whatever one calls it.
[ Which is what Saya's been trying to do here. ]
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 03:24 am (UTC)And anything else Mei should cover?
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 03:30 am (UTC)Probably apologies for making assumptions.
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 03:37 am (UTC)And what do you think MK should say to Mei?
Re: Amnesiakong start day
Date: Dec. 17th, 2023 03:46 am (UTC)I spent years, centuries, being told, conditioned, manipulated, to put my own feelings last. To become a monster and a genocidal killer of my own family for the sake of the world and everyone in it. And then I went to Hell to be tortured and I had to do the same thing for the sake of myself and those relying on me not being tortured even worse.
There have been exactly two times that I put my own feelings first. Once was ten minutes before Haji died, and the other was in Hell where I insisted on not sending out poison in that game I told you about, where my punishment was hurting and trying to kill everyone I loved and getting chained up like a dog for five days.
I get the point you're making and not one bit of it makes me less afraid to give my own feelings any priority whatsoever.