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[sangreine]

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[abnormalizes]

I think... People want to help, because they care about you and this is important to your life and your future, and because feeling helpless kind of sucks. Which, okay, those are valid feelings. But when you say no, they assume it's a statement on them? Like you're worried that if they get hurt they'll be upset with you or traumatized, or you don't trust them to help, or whatever BS they've come up with. I don't know how you could be more clear with them that you're thinking about your feelings and they need to respect your wishes, because this is ultimately about you.

However bad it is for anyone else, it's worse for you, of course your emotions are all over the place. Sometimes people just have to take everything personally.

[sangreine]

[ A tight shrug ]

People find all sorts of reasons that what I want or feel isn't valid. Either it's not valid because I'm basing it on what someone I love said they want, like I'm not supposed to care about what my romantic partners want, or it's because I don't know what's best for myself -- I mean I sometimes don't, but that doesn't give anyone the right to go over my head -- or they're determined to save me or whatever. Nothing patronizing about a shove toward the self-actualization they've decided is best for me without my consent or consultation.

Or they'll say they respect what I want and then in the same breath try to talk me out of it. That's a favorite lately.

I honestly just... there are moments I hope this next attempt puts me under so I don't have to hear it anymore.

[abnormalizes]

I absolutely don't blame you, that must be exhausting. In your shoes I would've punched someone's lights out like five times over by now.

[Let Saya Rest]

[sangreine]

[ She softens a bit ]

I know they're doing it out of love, that's the only reason I haven't. It's muddled and at times really insulting but I can forgive a lot when it's for that.

Besides, I think I've got the easiest role here. I get to just... forget. Painlessly. I won't know what I lost. Everyone else has to live with it.

[abnormalizes]

They're lucky you're so understanding. Not everybody would be.

...Maybe this is just a human perspective, but the idea of forgetting everything scares me more than dying.

[sangreine]

It terrifies me now. But I've been through this before. Once the memories are gone, it doesn't hurt.

Smiling in the face of someone you love, knowing they're not that person anymore and probably never will be again, having to mourn what you lost while it's also right in front of you... that does hurt.

[abnormalizes]

-It really sucks for everyone. There's not much anyone can do to make it better, either.

I'm sorry. I can offer weird not-booze and talking about other things as a distraction.

[sangreine]

There really isn't. [ Insert a bunch of ponderings that everyone would hate here. ]

Nah. Thanks but I need to just... get over myself. I don't have a lot of time, and I'll have a lot less soon probably, I don't want to spend it this way. Even if I have to take some crap, I want to leave the people I love with more than a giant burden to haul around with them.

[abnormalizes]

Leave them with some good memories. Probably the best thing you can do.

Well, if it helps any, I brought enough enkephalin for the household, so if you want to get smashed with your housemates later you can.