ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: never go all the way dead it’s a headache, the paperwork
[ it’s a joke, he knows it’s not always avoidable in a place like this. he feels confident that she will take it as such. ]
ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: I keep waking up with a body and I do not know what to do about that, or these stupid producer games. So I’d like to make cocoa and I’d like if you had some
Alizarin: I do hate paperwork Alizarin: Sure, happy to help Alizarin: If we're calling you giving me cocoa help for *you* which seems dubious but I'm fine with it
ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: it’s something I can’t screw up so it is helping me ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: you want me to bring it to you or do you want to make a stop in the shitty sIV prison? ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: really making it sound appealing I know
ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: Sure I've probably got that kind of service experience in my background among others
[ "probably" nothing, he absolutely does. all the service. ]
ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: my only request: not to a big crowded place, the last thing I want is to get spotted and lectured about how worrying I always am. it's exhausting. more people should just cut me off and ignore me
[ Probably a good thing they can't see each other, because the thought of anyone making him feel that way has her eyes flaring with incredible anger. If someone tries that in front of her she'll tear them to bloody scraps. ]
Alizarin: I've got just the place, no one around at all. Alizarin: Meet me around the corner from the conbini in about fifteen?
[ Around the corner so he won't have to deal with anyone else who's shopping! ]
[ Whenever he gets there he'll wait a few short moments and then she appears, carrying two bags of supplies. ]
Can you help me with one of these so I can drink while we walk? [ She could easily carry both in one hand, but it's the principle of the matter -- he likes to be useful and she likes to be fair. ]
ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: sure, I can do that, the corner from the conbini is totally my style.
[ he downs some garbage snack, whips up a hot cocoa that is not garbage and heads out to meet her, trying get there a little early.
he cants his head a little on hearing her approach, already moving in to help take some of the supplies before she so much as asks. ]
-Yeah, of course, [ he says, halfway in the midst of taking it. he'll just take the one though, since she'd specifically noted only that much. then, of course, passing over that cocoa: whipped cream (mostly melted, but still sweet and creamy), chocolate curls, the works. ] Where to?
[ Sipping at the cocoa first because priorities~ ]
Ahh it's so good, I needed this like you have no idea. [ Half her life really sucks right now ]
I spent some time peeking into the weird theme rooms at the Love Hotel trying to find something Doctor might like, so we're going on a tour of the funniest ones. Trust me, it's worth it.
Yeah? Glad to help and have it be uncomplicated. [ his confusion is only because he hasn’t met Doctor, but it’s brief. ] I have been in just one Love Hotel room-
[ wait, he shifts the bag a little. ] No, two. One was pretty normal. Are we talking funny like haha, or funny like this is so weird only hell could have come up with it? … I guess those are the same thing though.
A little from Column A, a whole lot from Column B. I laughed myself sick in there, which sounds like just what we need.
I promise I don't have any specific intentions beyond perhaps a food fight in one of the Column A rooms if we feel like it. [ Hefting her bag of supplies, which includes a lot of spray products like whipped cream. If they don't end up making a mess of one of the rooms, she'll definitely find a whole lot of more conventional uses for them! ] Which I only say because you look a little worried?
[ if there was any question of him still being occasionally out of it, his earnest confusion might settle it. he shifts the bag again, not because he has to necessarily, but it's - nice to feel something solid sometimes. ]
Sorry. Nothing you've done worried me, neither does going to the Love Hotel. I'm - sorry if my company's not the best right now, but I'm open to a field trip. It might be nice to do something kinda - ridiculous. [ and at that - while it's small - he cracks a smile. ]
Your company is just fine. I'm a bit of a mess anyway, so if you're going to apologize than I should too. But I don't really want to talk about it, I just want to do something ridiculous.
[ She helps herself to his arm, the one not carrying his cocoa, but gentle so he won't spill. It's what she'd do if neither of them were in a State Of Whatever, and she's not about to treat him with kid gloves. ]
There are some nice rooms in there, but I have no interest in those right now. I'm going to take Doctor to one of those. It's in the Chinese mountains with an amazing view, very peaceful.
[ he isn't here to press for it, but he figured she deserved to know that he is the way he is, and it isn't her. he opens his mouth to speak, but quickly shakes his head. maybe he shouldn't? maybe this is a "no somber zone?" ]
I - then if I ever have reason to go again, I might seek out a peaceful room.
[ say "I feel like shit a thousand times over" without saying "I feel like shit a thousand times over." ]
[ Hmm, she doesn't want him thinking he needs to shut up though ]
You can talk about it. I'm happy to listen. I've talked about myself enough for three lifetimes. Besides, we're not there yet.
[ She sips her cocoa and then rests her head on his shoulder, hoping her touch will be grounding like it was when she first saw him after he got his physical form back, then she waits. ]
... I don't want to destroy anything by speaking too much about myself if what I am and what I come from is too upsetting to hear about.
[ it's very raw, but honest. ]
I'm - learning that people don't want the real "me," and it isn't right to inflict it.
[ but even as he says it, for her efforts and her clear intent to try and help, he reaches over and gently holds her against him as they move. more hesitant than he was before the loss of his body, but a little better than after the bartending game when he'd had to comfort and perform. ]
[ Wow thanks she hates everything about that. But she's not about to do That Thing She Hates where people try to blindly be reassuring because they're uncomfortable with you being sad and/or They Need To Fix You or whatever ]
[ So she hums, just listening along and waiting for a moment to quiet her anger on his behalf before she responds ]
I do like cocoa. [ She sips at hers, because of course that's true. ] I also like listening to you, if it's of any help at all. Or being in the same space, even if it's sitting in silence.
The last thing I'd want is for you to feel like you can't be yourself with me, whatever that happens to be. [ Physical form, nonphysical form, complaints or compliments, she doesn't especially care. ]
[ The only thing that would drive her away is being cold-shouldered, which he pointedly hasn't done by reaching out to her, and she appreciates that, especially if all he wants to do is hide. She knows that inclination well. ]
You know what I am, what I've done, and you accept me. I'd say 'how can I do any less for you?' but that's sort of a bad point, because it's not about me owing you anything. Accepting you as you are is the easiest thing in the world for me. I hate that others made you feel so -- wrong.
[ Because she knows what that's like too, and it's horrible. But she's trying not to be angry, so she doesn't focus on it overmuch. ]
[ it is true, he knows it, to be and it had been such an effortless thing to make for her. it was something he could be confident in, and he very much needed a straightforward thing to feel he was getting right. ]
I… wonder sometimes if me being without form is the only way I can exist that doesn’t hurt people to look at. That’s all.
[ that is… not “all,” but after a moment of hesitation, he finally manages something bordering on their normal: ]
That is not me fishing for anyone to tell me that I do not regularly hurt people’s eyes or am pretty enough.
[ a little dulled still, but it’s in there, he’s in there. here. ]
Here I had a whole speech ready about your prettiness, and now it's gone to waste. [ She giggles, just in case it's bad enough that he can't catch the joke. ]
I feel like that sometimes. My past is so awful and the way I talk about myself is so awful for people to hear that they feel like they have to defend me from myself, and it's exhausting. I can't just be myself because it's letting them down.
[ okay, that gets him to crack a smile. tiny, but there. ]
There I go, being the worst... To think you had a speech planned.
[ he tightens his grip a little, a squeeze. progress! and hopefully enough to show he's messing around with her, too. ]
No, that's... more or less it. Speak honestly, people don't like to hear it. Hide it, people wonder why. Show them why, and... maybe they'll lecture you about why you should forget all that now. As if it doesn't impact the way you think or act.
That's just it. I can't just throw it away because others think I should or think it's ugly. Those memories, that existence - they're mine.
[ Messing is appreciated, even when they're talking about Serious Stuff. Which is why she appreciates his dark and morbid humor, it's just how you cope sometimes. ]
Tell me about it. If I had ten points for every time someone tried to tell me that I can be whoever I want to be here, just ignore my past and my memories, I'd have enough for a fifty room suite by now. I can't just shrug and pretend it doesn't matter. It's still me. And --
[ She hadn't really put it together like this before now, but ] And when they put it like that, it sure sounds a lot like saying they'd like me better if I could just please be someone different. Someone easier.
Just ignoring it feels - it feels like running, and disrespecting anyone who mattered in those memories.
[ not the people who sought to harm them, either of them, but anyone they'd ever had any affection for. people that were lost. battles fought, won, lost. ] And it feels like lying. "Don't worry, I don't even know who that person was, I've got a whole new lease on life, I'll just stop doing those things that you'd rather not hear about anymore."
[ frustrating, if his clipped sigh is anything to go off. and then, not for the first time (far from it), she speaks to a thought that had occurred to him, too. ]
... It does sound like it sometimes, doesn't it? I've thought more than once that I was better before I knew anything about myself. Weaker, scared. Less complicated, and easier to handle. And ... maybe, if I could erase all my memories again, people would be happy to finally be rid of all that ugliness and go back to trying to protect and pamper me. For that to work, I would have to remove that drive to want to get 'me' back, and that uneasiness at being pampered, so more than memories, it'd have to be a complete destruction of core personality traits...
...
I think about this a lot.
...
But I like you. [ sometimes things are complicated. this part is not. ]
[ Of course she's glad that Kitsu liking her isn't as murky as the rest of it all, if she can be a safe harbor in whatever typhoon they've landed in then she's extremely glad of it -- however, those last few things he says have her distracted to the point where she barely even hears him say he likes her, let alone being able to process it and respond. She actually stops walking for a second before the rest of her catches up. ]
Uh -- sorry. I get what you mean a little too well.
In that bar game I got a memory; being here isn't the first time I've had amnesia. It probably isn't the second time or the third time, either. My species seems to -- hibernate? When I wake up I have no memories, no real personality, just instinct. So...
[ Yeah, a little close to home. ]
I understand what you mean about wondering. [ If someone she knew before, maybe liked or loved, showed up here, would they find her an entirely different and distasteful person? If she falls into hibernation again, will anyone she knows here wait for her? Mourn her? Will they hate who she becomes next or manipulate her while she's vulnerable, mold her to their liking? None of these questions are comforting. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 26th, 2022 07:31 am (UTC)Alizarin: Is that a joke?
Alizarin: If I ever say no, I'm probably at least half dead
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 26th, 2022 07:44 am (UTC)ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: never go all the way dead it’s a headache, the paperwork
[ it’s a joke, he knows it’s not always avoidable in a place like this. he feels confident that she will take it as such. ]
ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: I keep waking up with a body and I do not know what to do about that, or these stupid producer games. So I’d like to make cocoa and I’d like if you had some
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 26th, 2022 07:52 am (UTC)Alizarin: Sure, happy to help
Alizarin: If we're calling you giving me cocoa help for *you* which seems dubious but I'm fine with it
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 26th, 2022 01:19 pm (UTC)ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: you want me to bring it to you or do you want to make a stop in the shitty sIV prison?
ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: really making it sound appealing I know
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 26th, 2022 04:33 pm (UTC)Alizarin: Why don't I meet you then we'll take it somewhere else?
Alizarin: I'll take it To Go, in other words
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 10:17 am (UTC)[ "probably" nothing, he absolutely does. all the service. ]
ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECK: my only request: not to a big crowded place, the last thing I want is to get spotted and lectured about how worrying I always am. it's exhausting. more people should just cut me off and ignore me
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 05:48 pm (UTC)Alizarin: I've got just the place, no one around at all.
Alizarin: Meet me around the corner from the conbini in about fifteen?
[ Around the corner so he won't have to deal with anyone else who's shopping! ]
[ Whenever he gets there he'll wait a few short moments and then she appears, carrying two bags of supplies. ]
Can you help me with one of these so I can drink while we walk? [ She could easily carry both in one hand, but it's the principle of the matter -- he likes to be useful and she likes to be fair. ]
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 07:22 pm (UTC)[ he downs some garbage snack, whips up a hot cocoa that is not garbage and heads out to meet her, trying get there a little early.
he cants his head a little on hearing her approach, already moving in to help take some of the supplies before she so much as asks. ]
-Yeah, of course, [ he says, halfway in the midst of taking it. he'll just take the one though, since she'd specifically noted only that much. then, of course, passing over that cocoa: whipped cream (mostly melted, but still sweet and creamy), chocolate curls, the works. ] Where to?
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 07:30 pm (UTC)Ahh it's so good, I needed this like you have no idea. [ Half her life really sucks right now ]
I spent some time peeking into the weird theme rooms at the Love Hotel trying to find something Doctor might like, so we're going on a tour of the funniest ones. Trust me, it's worth it.
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 07:43 pm (UTC)[ wait, he shifts the bag a little. ] No, two. One was pretty normal. Are we talking funny like haha, or funny like this is so weird only hell could have come up with it? … I guess those are the same thing though.
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 07:48 pm (UTC)I promise I don't have any specific intentions beyond perhaps a food fight in one of the Column A rooms if we feel like it. [ Hefting her bag of supplies, which includes a lot of spray products like whipped cream. If they don't end up making a mess of one of the rooms, she'll definitely find a whole lot of more conventional uses for them! ] Which I only say because you look a little worried?
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 08:38 pm (UTC)[ if there was any question of him still being occasionally out of it, his earnest confusion might settle it. he shifts the bag again, not because he has to necessarily, but it's - nice to feel something solid sometimes. ]
Sorry. Nothing you've done worried me, neither does going to the Love Hotel. I'm - sorry if my company's not the best right now, but I'm open to a field trip. It might be nice to do something kinda - ridiculous. [ and at that - while it's small - he cracks a smile. ]
Like a food fight.
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 08:44 pm (UTC)[ She helps herself to his arm, the one not carrying his cocoa, but gentle so he won't spill. It's what she'd do if neither of them were in a State Of Whatever, and she's not about to treat him with kid gloves. ]
There are some nice rooms in there, but I have no interest in those right now. I'm going to take Doctor to one of those. It's in the Chinese mountains with an amazing view, very peaceful.
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 10:47 pm (UTC)[ he isn't here to press for it, but he figured she deserved to know that he is the way he is, and it isn't her. he opens his mouth to speak, but quickly shakes his head. maybe he shouldn't? maybe this is a "no somber zone?" ]
I - then if I ever have reason to go again, I might seek out a peaceful room.
[ say "I feel like shit a thousand times over" without saying "I feel like shit a thousand times over." ]
Well, I am in your hands.
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 10:50 pm (UTC)You can talk about it. I'm happy to listen. I've talked about myself enough for three lifetimes. Besides, we're not there yet.
[ She sips her cocoa and then rests her head on his shoulder, hoping her touch will be grounding like it was when she first saw him after he got his physical form back, then she waits. ]
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 11:13 pm (UTC)[ it's very raw, but honest. ]
I'm - learning that people don't want the real "me," and it isn't right to inflict it.
[ but even as he says it, for her efforts and her clear intent to try and help, he reaches over and gently holds her against him as they move. more hesitant than he was before the loss of his body, but a little better than after the bartending game when he'd had to comfort and perform. ]
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 27th, 2022 11:18 pm (UTC)[ So she hums, just listening along and waiting for a moment to quiet her anger on his behalf before she responds ]
That has to feel really terrible. I'm so sorry.
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 28th, 2022 01:11 am (UTC)[ because he sees so many who are less than earnest and bristle at suggestions to the contrary or lie around it. ]
That's why I've been so absent. But I thought, maybe- you might like a cocoa.
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 28th, 2022 01:20 am (UTC)The last thing I'd want is for you to feel like you can't be yourself with me, whatever that happens to be. [ Physical form, nonphysical form, complaints or compliments, she doesn't especially care. ]
[ The only thing that would drive her away is being cold-shouldered, which he pointedly hasn't done by reaching out to her, and she appreciates that, especially if all he wants to do is hide. She knows that inclination well. ]
You know what I am, what I've done, and you accept me. I'd say 'how can I do any less for you?' but that's sort of a bad point, because it's not about me owing you anything. Accepting you as you are is the easiest thing in the world for me. I hate that others made you feel so -- wrong.
[ Because she knows what that's like too, and it's horrible. But she's trying not to be angry, so she doesn't focus on it overmuch. ]
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 28th, 2022 05:32 am (UTC)I… wonder sometimes if me being without form is the only way I can exist that doesn’t hurt people to look at. That’s all.
[ that is… not “all,” but after a moment of hesitation, he finally manages something bordering on their normal: ]
That is not me fishing for anyone to tell me that I do not regularly hurt people’s eyes or am pretty enough.
[ a little dulled still, but it’s in there, he’s in there. here. ]
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 28th, 2022 07:19 pm (UTC)I feel like that sometimes. My past is so awful and the way I talk about myself is so awful for people to hear that they feel like they have to defend me from myself, and it's exhausting. I can't just be myself because it's letting them down.
Is that sort of similar, or am I way off base?
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 30th, 2022 11:33 pm (UTC)There I go, being the worst... To think you had a speech planned.
[ he tightens his grip a little, a squeeze. progress! and hopefully enough to show he's messing around with her, too. ]
No, that's... more or less it. Speak honestly, people don't like to hear it. Hide it, people wonder why. Show them why, and... maybe they'll lecture you about why you should forget all that now. As if it doesn't impact the way you think or act.
That's just it. I can't just throw it away because others think I should or think it's ugly. Those memories, that existence - they're mine.
(no subject)
Date: Mar. 31st, 2022 01:08 am (UTC)Tell me about it. If I had ten points for every time someone tried to tell me that I can be whoever I want to be here, just ignore my past and my memories, I'd have enough for a fifty room suite by now. I can't just shrug and pretend it doesn't matter. It's still me. And --
[ She hadn't really put it together like this before now, but ] And when they put it like that, it sure sounds a lot like saying they'd like me better if I could just please be someone different. Someone easier.
(no subject)
Date: Apr. 1st, 2022 11:59 am (UTC)Just ignoring it feels - it feels like running, and disrespecting anyone who mattered in those memories.
[ not the people who sought to harm them, either of them, but anyone they'd ever had any affection for. people that were lost. battles fought, won, lost. ] And it feels like lying. "Don't worry, I don't even know who that person was, I've got a whole new lease on life, I'll just stop doing those things that you'd rather not hear about anymore."
[ frustrating, if his clipped sigh is anything to go off. and then, not for the first time (far from it), she speaks to a thought that had occurred to him, too. ]
... It does sound like it sometimes, doesn't it? I've thought more than once that I was better before I knew anything about myself. Weaker, scared. Less complicated, and easier to handle. And ... maybe, if I could erase all my memories again, people would be happy to finally be rid of all that ugliness and go back to trying to protect and pamper me. For that to work, I would have to remove that drive to want to get 'me' back, and that uneasiness at being pampered, so more than memories, it'd have to be a complete destruction of core personality traits...
...
I think about this a lot.
...
But I like you. [ sometimes things are complicated. this part is not. ]
(no subject)
Date: Apr. 2nd, 2022 04:34 am (UTC)Uh -- sorry. I get what you mean a little too well.
In that bar game I got a memory; being here isn't the first time I've had amnesia. It probably isn't the second time or the third time, either. My species seems to -- hibernate? When I wake up I have no memories, no real personality, just instinct. So...
[ Yeah, a little close to home. ]
I understand what you mean about wondering. [ If someone she knew before, maybe liked or loved, showed up here, would they find her an entirely different and distasteful person? If she falls into hibernation again, will anyone she knows here wait for her? Mourn her? Will they hate who she becomes next or manipulate her while she's vulnerable, mold her to their liking? None of these questions are comforting. ]
(no subject)
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