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[sangreine]

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Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"Would you say the same for Kantera if he ends up repeating his mistakes? Or me? Or MK? Or Wukong?"

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"Of course not, but their mistakes aren't on the same scale as mine. I've murdered and massacred and perpetrated a genocide, and I hurt everyone around me."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"Maybe not. I mean, Wukong killed a lot of people and demons back before and during the journey. A lot of people have killed others. And I hurt everyone around me and so has MK. All of us have, I would think. The genocide part. I'm not gonna say, oh everyone does it and that makes it okay. I'm saying other people have, like you, did terrible things. And they try to be better people and you support them. We do want to support you too, even with knowing all of that. Because you also care, you support people, love them. You save people. You make them feel understood and not alone. You listen and help remind them of their good parts, the parts you see in them. I just wish you could see those parts of yourself too. And I'm so sorry what I did to you, manipulated you into doing, did this. I am so so sorry, Saya."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

Saya just cries for a long moment.

"You're not telling the truth. You knew I'd kill that doll, you had to know it. And that's what you really think of me. And so it must be what MK thinks of me too."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"I'm not lying. And yes. I hoped you would kill the doll since my plan hinged on it. I didn't have a plan D. And you know that isn't how it works. You fuck Porty and he finds you sexually attractive. MK doesn't. The clones and the original can have different feelings on things. MK doesn't think art can seep into his pores when he paints his face, Artsy does. I don't know how the original thinks of you now exactly. But I remember he thinks of you as one of his best friends and I seriously doubt that has changed at all."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"You and I never interacted before the heart game, therefore your thoughts on me must have come from MK. There would be no other basis for your opinion."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"My opinions of you can be based on MK's memories but come to different conclusions. MK didn't feel attracted to you. Porty, who had MK's memories of meeting you, was attracted. So no. My thoughts about you, my designs and interpretations, can be different than MKs. Fuck, they have to be. Sure, MK and me and the others all have this constant nagging feeling of being expendable but I warped that into me being able to replace MK and be better than he ever was and that was a fucking lie. I was delusional, clearly. MK isn't."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"Then you were right about me, and he's wrong."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"Didn't I just explain I don't think of you as some evil monster? Yes. I used you. I did that. That's on me. You killed a fear and doing that you weakened everything. Because I put things together. Shouldn't the blame be on me? The one who manipulated you?"

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"The blame is always on the one who swings the blade."

"Why are you so indignant? Didn't you say that you came here to apologize?" She might not want to hear an apology but he has no right to be uppity.

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"I..." Candid deflates and looks at his tea for a moment. "...I feel like this is my fault. I deserve some of the blame. I didn't want any of this to hurt people this much. I really didn't. And I guess I'm...thinking if I can help you feel even a little better? That's me trying to make amends. Not just say sorry but show that I mean it and I want to make up for what I did to you."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"A lot if what happened is your fault, but not my state of mind. I did that to myself."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"Is there anything I can do to help? Or have you asked anyone else for help? Because it sounds scary, what you're saying about your thoughts."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"I've tried talking to some people. My husband and Red Son and MK. Nothing helps."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"...Maybe you need to talk to someone who was a monster? Someone who did terrible things, like you did, and see if that helps?"

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"I don't know anyone like that."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"Maybe you don't yet? You could reach out on the network. Anonymously. See who answers. See if anyone can admit to doing things like you did and then see if they can help. ...If the people who love you and your best friend can't help, maybe this is one of those things where you gotta talk to a stranger. Someone who doesn't know you, has no reason to water anything down?"

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"I don't know. Maybe I'm not supposed to feel better."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"Maybe that's what the person will tell you? Or they'll say you are supposed to be able to feel better. Move forward. I don't know. ...Do you want to not feel better? Like ever?"

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"I don't."

"But the people who love me do what me to feel better. So I don't know."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"...Are you sure you don't? I'm only asking because you did say earlier you wish you could go to sleep and forget. So you wouldn't feel this way anymore. I just want to make sure, you don't want to feel better or is it you feel you don't deserve to feel better?"

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"I don't deserve to feel better. And also, if I could, what would that make me?"

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"Letting yourself feel happy doesn't mean you don't still feel guilty for the past. But you let yourself feel other things. Suffering all the time doesn't fix the things that you did. Your punishment won't undo it. To make up for it, to make amends, you have to let yourself feel other things so you can try and do something to move forward and help others move forward? That's what my therapist says, basically. Or what I think she's saying."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[sangreine]

"But if I get too comfortable, let my guard down, it could happen again."

Re: Text - UN: MonkieMan

[noodleboi]

"Maybe the trick then is to not let yourself get too comfortable. Remind yourself. Once a day or a week or something? Keep yourself alert. But give yourself moments with people you know won't do that to do or you won't do that to them. The people who love you. Your husband. Red Son. More moderation maybe is part of the answer?"