So two things first: number one, if you blatantly tell him that you're romantically interested, it takes him a long time to figure out if it's reciprocated. Like, possibly months. So if you get to a point where you want to tell him, you have to be patient.
But the more important thing for you, I think, is that once he decides he's romantically interested, he goes all in. And I mean all in. I just worry that a fully intense romantic experience would be kind of a lot for you. So if you're just looking to dip your toe into dating, I'd advise sticking with a close friendship until you're really sure you can do the head over heels romantic thing.
--Which I don't say to be discouraging, really. I just worry about where you are with the combination of knowing how he gets.
All that said, I can definitely give you some thoughts on how to just be closer in general, but I wanted to give those disclaimers upfront. If you're not all in for him it would be a terrible idea to admit that you're having romantic feelings.
Oh. -Oh, yeah, no, that would be a lot for me right now? Like I tried on a dress that looked kind of wedding-dress-y the other day and burst into tears? I'm at a place where I can admit that I want to be able to handle that someday, but I don't think I can do that yet.
[It is discouraging, but she absolutely doesn't want to hurt Red Son if he were to return her feelings.]
Thank you. I will definitely take advice on being better friends.
Gosh, yeah, I'm extra glad I told you that then. I wouldn't want either of you to get hurt.
I'll just list off these things that help to get close to him in no particular order, then. Do what works for you.
First is that he loved to problem solve. Loves it. If you have something you need help with and ask him, he will throw himself into it. It's adorable. And he will find it meaningful that you even asked him. Bonus points if the task is mechanical and you can express genuine interest in the process. He loves to lecture about his tinkering. Make sure it's an organic problem though, don't manufacture something to get this going.
Second, ask about his family. He adores them and misses them. Be there for him about the missing his family. Be extra respectful about his parents. It really touches him when people do that.
Third, go on quests together and be a badass. He's extremely attracted to power. You'd be climbing uphill with this because all of his mates are pretty extreme in the power department, he tends to be into people who are more powerful than he is, but I don't think it's impossible at all.
Fourth, get nerdy together. You love to read and learn, he loves to read and teach, get that going on.
Fifth, he enjoys cooking together. If you can somehow get him to help you prepare meals, that's a big one.
Get his help on things, ask about his family, go on quests and kick ass, be nerdy together, cook together. Okay. Okay, that all sounds doable, I can work with this.
Oh, well - it's a different feeling, but not necessarily not romantic?
With Red Son, I really want him to think I'm cool and competent, and I get nervous about approaching him because what if I look like a total dork.
Fajra and Barghest, I don't really have that drive to impress them because I know they like me, and I feel comfortable enough with them that I don't think that will change even if I do something dumb. I like being around them, and I think they're both incredible people, and it makes me happy to make them happy.
I don't think I would necessarily mind calling those feelings romantic... except I also have similar feelings about a lot of my friends, some of whom are in closed relationships? So that would make things really complicated really quickly.
Oh, I see. Being comfortable around them is definitely a good thing, but it does make it harder to feel like maybe this is romantic. Nerves, butterflies in the stomach, is kind of the cliche for knowing you're into someone more than platonically, but it's definitely not the only thing.
So yeah it might make things complicated, I agree with you there. Which makes it scarier to try in those relationships, probably?
If it helps at all, I had those feelings about my husband when we started out. Not necessarily butterflies, just extreme comfort. It was like that from the beginning. Before we started out dating we had a long discussion about whether we really wanted to and how it would change anything between us, since we were still going to keep sleeping with other people. And then we just tried it, and saw that we really connected and wanted to make a commitment to each other that was different from everyone else we were attracted to. But in the beginning I didn't really have the butterflies so much.
Definitely scary. Like, I feel comfortable and safe around Fajra, but I also feel comfortable and safe around Eve? I don't want to date Eve, she's very happily set, so if I say the same feelings are romantic for Fajra and platonic for Eve, it feels like I'm lying either one way or the other?
[It is kind of funny, in a way, that the problem is that Evangeline loves her friends too much to easily distinguish romantic feelings from the rest.]
Knowing comfort can be a sign of it does help, though.
It's not lying, it's just that you have a lot of care for the people around you, platonic or romantic.
There might not be anything for it but to try dating and see how it goes? If nothing else you know they will agree not to take it too far until you're ready, and if you decide just to be friends they'll be fine with that. Having comfort goes quite a long way, I found, when it comes to these matters. If it hadn't worked out romantically with my husband I have zero doubt that we'd have gone back to being close friends who sleep together with no issue.
I will. Most of the stuff I need advice with is pretty specialized and intense though. I'm not sure I'd be able to take good advice even if it was given to me, unfortunately.
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Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:07 pm (UTC)Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:08 pm (UTC)Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:17 pm (UTC)So two things first: number one, if you blatantly tell him that you're romantically interested, it takes him a long time to figure out if it's reciprocated. Like, possibly months. So if you get to a point where you want to tell him, you have to be patient.
But the more important thing for you, I think, is that once he decides he's romantically interested, he goes all in. And I mean all in. I just worry that a fully intense romantic experience would be kind of a lot for you. So if you're just looking to dip your toe into dating, I'd advise sticking with a close friendship until you're really sure you can do the head over heels romantic thing.
--Which I don't say to be discouraging, really. I just worry about where you are with the combination of knowing how he gets.
All that said, I can definitely give you some thoughts on how to just be closer in general, but I wanted to give those disclaimers upfront. If you're not all in for him it would be a terrible idea to admit that you're having romantic feelings.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:21 pm (UTC)[It is discouraging, but she absolutely doesn't want to hurt Red Son if he were to return her feelings.]
Thank you. I will definitely take advice on being better friends.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:34 pm (UTC)I'll just list off these things that help to get close to him in no particular order, then. Do what works for you.
First is that he loved to problem solve. Loves it. If you have something you need help with and ask him, he will throw himself into it. It's adorable. And he will find it meaningful that you even asked him. Bonus points if the task is mechanical and you can express genuine interest in the process. He loves to lecture about his tinkering. Make sure it's an organic problem though, don't manufacture something to get this going.
Second, ask about his family. He adores them and misses them. Be there for him about the missing his family. Be extra respectful about his parents. It really touches him when people do that.
Third, go on quests together and be a badass. He's extremely attracted to power. You'd be climbing uphill with this because all of his mates are pretty extreme in the power department, he tends to be into people who are more powerful than he is, but I don't think it's impossible at all.
Fourth, get nerdy together. You love to read and learn, he loves to read and teach, get that going on.
Fifth, he enjoys cooking together. If you can somehow get him to help you prepare meals, that's a big one.
Does any of that help?
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:37 pm (UTC)Get his help on things, ask about his family, go on quests and kick ass, be nerdy together, cook together. Okay. Okay, that all sounds doable, I can work with this.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:40 pm (UTC)Being close with him is rewarding, I'm sure you'll enjoy it even if romance is more off the table until you're more comfortable.
Not to change the subject, but what about the people you mentioned that have expressed romantic love for you?
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:47 pm (UTC)With Red Son, I really want him to think I'm cool and competent, and I get nervous about approaching him because what if I look like a total dork.
Fajra and Barghest, I don't really have that drive to impress them because I know they like me, and I feel comfortable enough with them that I don't think that will change even if I do something dumb. I like being around them, and I think they're both incredible people, and it makes me happy to make them happy.
I don't think I would necessarily mind calling those feelings romantic... except I also have similar feelings about a lot of my friends, some of whom are in closed relationships? So that would make things really complicated really quickly.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 06:54 pm (UTC)So yeah it might make things complicated, I agree with you there. Which makes it scarier to try in those relationships, probably?
If it helps at all, I had those feelings about my husband when we started out. Not necessarily butterflies, just extreme comfort. It was like that from the beginning. Before we started out dating we had a long discussion about whether we really wanted to and how it would change anything between us, since we were still going to keep sleeping with other people. And then we just tried it, and saw that we really connected and wanted to make a commitment to each other that was different from everyone else we were attracted to. But in the beginning I didn't really have the butterflies so much.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 07:02 pm (UTC)[It is kind of funny, in a way, that the problem is that Evangeline loves her friends too much to easily distinguish romantic feelings from the rest.]
Knowing comfort can be a sign of it does help, though.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 07:31 pm (UTC)There might not be anything for it but to try dating and see how it goes? If nothing else you know they will agree not to take it too far until you're ready, and if you decide just to be friends they'll be fine with that. Having comfort goes quite a long way, I found, when it comes to these matters. If it hadn't worked out romantically with my husband I have zero doubt that we'd have gone back to being close friends who sleep together with no issue.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 07:33 pm (UTC)[She feels safe with these people. That matters more than anything else.]</small. Thanks, Saya.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 07:37 pm (UTC)Sure, no problem. I'm glad I could help.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 07:56 pm (UTC)Let me know if I can ever return the favor.
Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 07:57 pm (UTC)Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 07:59 pm (UTC)Re: un: abnormalitylover, voice
Date: May. 4th, 2025 09:15 pm (UTC)wrapup!
Date: May. 4th, 2025 09:19 pm (UTC)