Oh, I know. My home world is genocide and imperialism central, and my species didn't do all that. I love humans as individuals, but yeah.
...People say that to you? Wow. I think everyone should care about systems that are awful but if you say there's nothing to be gained by fighting it then I believe you. I guess it's easy to cash checks from someone else's wallet.
Not only that, but one guy even said that the people in my world are weak and basically deserve to be miserable for not fighting back harder.
[This conversation was with Red Son, incidentally, which is why he's the only person Evangeline Does Not Like.]
People do try to change things, and they die miserably for it every time. I'm not any stronger than any of those people were, and I have a family to take care of before I go serving up my own head on a platter.
Seriously? Some people spend way too much time in their own sheltered worlds. Either that or they're so scared of the concept that they can't win every fight that they've deluded themselves. [ If Saya knew who said that she'd get why, but she'd give him hell over saying something so gross. Honestly, she adores the man but he needs to take several seats. ]
Sometimes people don't get choices. Especially people who can die.
I've been on both sides. One where I was the only one who could change things for the better. And I don't mean I was the strongest person or the person who felt chosen by fate or whatever, I was literally the only one. It was me, or nothing. And I hated it every day. I didn't get close to anyone except unwittingly, and even then I kept them at a distance. It was misery.
And I've been in a situation where I had as much power as the others around me over things, which was none. So I took comfort in those around me however I could, as did many others. If a chance arose to change things, I'd have taken it, but I wouldn't have resented those who chose otherwise.
I don't know if it's wrong for you on your world, I doubt anyone not from your circumstances could say one way or the other, and trying to would be the height of arrogance. [ Which explains Red Son, lol. That and a massive inferiority complex that he's overcompensating for. ]
So I'll say... I think wanting to enjoy the time you have is understandable. I wouldn't judge you for any choice you made.
[ Saya flops and an around her and gives her a single weak squeeze before releasing her. ]
Sure, of course. That was the point of this.
[ Although Saya's beginning to seriously doubt that there even exists anyone who could make her feel understood. Hazard of killing your whole species she guesses. ]
[ Another pause. Is she too tired to attempt this again? ]
I dunno, it might not be worth it. I'll be gone soon and all, it feels wrong to whine about things that in a few months I'd give anything to hang onto.
If I knew what would make me happier that would make everything a lot easier.
Human feelings are sort of like a line, right? On one end there's, let's say, joy, and on the other, misery. Where you feel at any point about something can be found somewhere along that line. It can move, but it's not all that hard to define.
My emotions... picture a room full of magnets that are always moving around and changing strength, and there's a compass in the middle. The magnets are making the needle swing around wildly. [ She does some wacky spinning movements with her index finger. ] Sometimes it settles on one direction and stays there if there's some equilibrium in the arrangement of magnets at that particular moment, sometimes it's all over the place.
Between the ultra-strong feelings of my species and the amount of times my personality got completely revamped, that's what my feelings are like. So I'll explain I feel a certain way, and then later I'll explain that I feel a different way, or I want contradictory things at the same time, and people get frustrated.
-- Which I get. It's frustrating to live through. But it does lead me to just give up most of the time.
[ Saya flashes a small smile, wry. At least Evangeline is trying, which is really nice of her. ]
I think it's more that they get really confused and upset at how often I "change my mind". Never knowing where I'm going to be about something has to be annoying.
And now layer on top of that mess the absolutely impossible situation my hibernation has me and everyone around me in, where there are only bad answers and everyone's feelings are running super high...
I will commonly say about myself that all I do is hurt people, and that's what I mean. When there's no way to avoid hurting people, that's what happens. It's inevitable. Any attempt I make to hurt people less ends up making things worse. I'm the very definition of the road to hell being paved with good intentions.
Take my first experimental cure test... thing. I'm sure you heard whispers about what a disaster it was. I knew it could go that way, so I asked a bunch of people to be in there to prevent me from getting out, hurting innocent people. There were some people I didn't want to be there for a lot of reasons, mostly being worried about what it would do to me or to them if things went the way they went, but I caved because they said it was what they wanted. And it went really badly, and I hurt everyone in terrible ways that I can't take back.
So now I'm thinking: okay. I have to try this again, and I'm scared to death. And I just want to avoid the same giant mess happening all over again. So I made other arrangements, so only one person would have to deal with it. And now people are hurt all over again that I'm "keeping them out" or however it was put to me... like I'm doing this out of spite or because I don't trust them. It's not that. I'm just trying my best, and my best sucks, but that's because this whole thing sucks. And I have to balance what I can handle with what everyone else wants, and not trying it again isn't an option because the people I love most in the world want me to keep trying and they deserve for me to keep trying...
So yeah, I'm pushing people away and at the same time wanting them close. I'm dumping my feelings all over people and at the same time holding back. Of course I am. Because shit is fucked, and my entire life and the feelings of everyone I love are on the line, and who could ever possibly deal with this gracefully?
[ Pausing here for more drinking. ]
Everyone has wants and expectations of me, and I can't meet any of them. Falling asleep is starting to sound like a relief.
No. Thanks, but no. What I want is to have been something other than a painful burden for others to carry, but I'd never believe anyone who said it.
...So you might as well tell me what you think. You can't do worse than some others have, trust me.
[ It helps that Saya's hibernation won't have much impact on Evangeline in the scheme of things. So there's only so much Saya could hurt her with a wrong decision (and they're all wrong decisions really). ]
I think... People want to help, because they care about you and this is important to your life and your future, and because feeling helpless kind of sucks. Which, okay, those are valid feelings. But when you say no, they assume it's a statement on them? Like you're worried that if they get hurt they'll be upset with you or traumatized, or you don't trust them to help, or whatever BS they've come up with. I don't know how you could be more clear with them that you're thinking about your feelings and they need to respect your wishes, because this is ultimately about you.
However bad it is for anyone else, it's worse for you, of course your emotions are all over the place. Sometimes people just have to take everything personally.
People find all sorts of reasons that what I want or feel isn't valid. Either it's not valid because I'm basing it on what someone I love said they want, like I'm not supposed to care about what my romantic partners want, or it's because I don't know what's best for myself -- I mean I sometimes don't, but that doesn't give anyone the right to go over my head -- or they're determined to save me or whatever. Nothing patronizing about a shove toward the self-actualization they've decided is best for me without my consent or consultation.
Or they'll say they respect what I want and then in the same breath try to talk me out of it. That's a favorite lately.
I honestly just... there are moments I hope this next attempt puts me under so I don't have to hear it anymore.
I know they're doing it out of love, that's the only reason I haven't. It's muddled and at times really insulting but I can forgive a lot when it's for that.
Besides, I think I've got the easiest role here. I get to just... forget. Painlessly. I won't know what I lost. Everyone else has to live with it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[She's not the biggest fan of humans, unsurprisingly.]
For me it's like, 'your world is awful you should revolt against the system-' if I do that I will instantly be killed and I would rather not, thanks.
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...People say that to you? Wow. I think everyone should care about systems that are awful but if you say there's nothing to be gained by fighting it then I believe you. I guess it's easy to cash checks from someone else's wallet.
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[This conversation was with Red Son, incidentally, which is why he's the only person Evangeline Does Not Like.]
People do try to change things, and they die miserably for it every time. I'm not any stronger than any of those people were, and I have a family to take care of before I go serving up my own head on a platter.
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Sometimes people don't get choices. Especially people who can die.
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[She's stronger and better-equipped than the average human, but she's still just a human.]
I already don't expect to have that long a time alive. Is it so wrong for me to try to enjoy the time I have?
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I've been on both sides. One where I was the only one who could change things for the better. And I don't mean I was the strongest person or the person who felt chosen by fate or whatever, I was literally the only one. It was me, or nothing. And I hated it every day. I didn't get close to anyone except unwittingly, and even then I kept them at a distance. It was misery.
And I've been in a situation where I had as much power as the others around me over things, which was none. So I took comfort in those around me however I could, as did many others. If a chance arose to change things, I'd have taken it, but I wouldn't have resented those who chose otherwise.
I don't know if it's wrong for you on your world, I doubt anyone not from your circumstances could say one way or the other, and trying to would be the height of arrogance. [ Which explains Red Son, lol. That and a massive inferiority complex that he's overcompensating for. ]
So I'll say... I think wanting to enjoy the time you have is understandable. I wouldn't judge you for any choice you made.
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[She absolutely needed to hear all of that and feel validated in her feelings.]
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Of course you can.
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I really needed to hear all that, so... thanks.
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Sure, of course. That was the point of this.
[ Although Saya's beginning to seriously doubt that there even exists anyone who could make her feel understood. Hazard of killing your whole species she guesses. ]
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You might not like the things I say. Not because they're about you or anything, but in general.
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I dunno, it might not be worth it. I'll be gone soon and all, it feels wrong to whine about things that in a few months I'd give anything to hang onto.
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Human feelings are sort of like a line, right? On one end there's, let's say, joy, and on the other, misery. Where you feel at any point about something can be found somewhere along that line. It can move, but it's not all that hard to define.
My emotions... picture a room full of magnets that are always moving around and changing strength, and there's a compass in the middle. The magnets are making the needle swing around wildly. [ She does some wacky spinning movements with her index finger. ] Sometimes it settles on one direction and stays there if there's some equilibrium in the arrangement of magnets at that particular moment, sometimes it's all over the place.
Between the ultra-strong feelings of my species and the amount of times my personality got completely revamped, that's what my feelings are like. So I'll explain I feel a certain way, and then later I'll explain that I feel a different way, or I want contradictory things at the same time, and people get frustrated.
-- Which I get. It's frustrating to live through. But it does lead me to just give up most of the time.
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That makes sense to me. It's on other people for expecting your brain to work like human's.
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I think it's more that they get really confused and upset at how often I "change my mind". Never knowing where I'm going to be about something has to be annoying.
And now layer on top of that mess the absolutely impossible situation my hibernation has me and everyone around me in, where there are only bad answers and everyone's feelings are running super high...
I will commonly say about myself that all I do is hurt people, and that's what I mean. When there's no way to avoid hurting people, that's what happens. It's inevitable. Any attempt I make to hurt people less ends up making things worse. I'm the very definition of the road to hell being paved with good intentions.
Take my first experimental cure test... thing. I'm sure you heard whispers about what a disaster it was. I knew it could go that way, so I asked a bunch of people to be in there to prevent me from getting out, hurting innocent people. There were some people I didn't want to be there for a lot of reasons, mostly being worried about what it would do to me or to them if things went the way they went, but I caved because they said it was what they wanted. And it went really badly, and I hurt everyone in terrible ways that I can't take back.
So now I'm thinking: okay. I have to try this again, and I'm scared to death. And I just want to avoid the same giant mess happening all over again. So I made other arrangements, so only one person would have to deal with it. And now people are hurt all over again that I'm "keeping them out" or however it was put to me... like I'm doing this out of spite or because I don't trust them. It's not that. I'm just trying my best, and my best sucks, but that's because this whole thing sucks. And I have to balance what I can handle with what everyone else wants, and not trying it again isn't an option because the people I love most in the world want me to keep trying and they deserve for me to keep trying...
So yeah, I'm pushing people away and at the same time wanting them close. I'm dumping my feelings all over people and at the same time holding back. Of course I am. Because shit is fucked, and my entire life and the feelings of everyone I love are on the line, and who could ever possibly deal with this gracefully?
[ Pausing here for more drinking. ]
Everyone has wants and expectations of me, and I can't meet any of them. Falling asleep is starting to sound like a relief.
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I'm sorry, that sucks. For you and for everyone else, but especially for you.
[She has thoughts, but she promised not to try to give advice, so...]
Do you want another hug?
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...So you might as well tell me what you think. You can't do worse than some others have, trust me.
[ It helps that Saya's hibernation won't have much impact on Evangeline in the scheme of things. So there's only so much Saya could hurt her with a wrong decision (and they're all wrong decisions really). ]
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However bad it is for anyone else, it's worse for you, of course your emotions are all over the place. Sometimes people just have to take everything personally.
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People find all sorts of reasons that what I want or feel isn't valid. Either it's not valid because I'm basing it on what someone I love said they want, like I'm not supposed to care about what my romantic partners want, or it's because I don't know what's best for myself -- I mean I sometimes don't, but that doesn't give anyone the right to go over my head -- or they're determined to save me or whatever. Nothing patronizing about a shove toward the self-actualization they've decided is best for me without my consent or consultation.
Or they'll say they respect what I want and then in the same breath try to talk me out of it. That's a favorite lately.
I honestly just... there are moments I hope this next attempt puts me under so I don't have to hear it anymore.
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[Let Saya Rest]
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I know they're doing it out of love, that's the only reason I haven't. It's muddled and at times really insulting but I can forgive a lot when it's for that.
Besides, I think I've got the easiest role here. I get to just... forget. Painlessly. I won't know what I lost. Everyone else has to live with it.
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...Maybe this is just a human perspective, but the idea of forgetting everything scares me more than dying.
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