IC Contact/Inbox || Thread Overflow

[sangreine]

request an audience

Comments

[abnormalizes]

Do you want to talk about your stuff too? -I can't promise I'll get it, but I promise to listen and not try to provide any advice.

[sangreine]

[ Another second of thought. ]

You might not like the things I say. Not because they're about you or anything, but in general.

[abnormalizes]

I've got some experience handling bad news, don't worry about me.

[sangreine]

[ Another pause. Is she too tired to attempt this again? ]

I dunno, it might not be worth it. I'll be gone soon and all, it feels wrong to whine about things that in a few months I'd give anything to hang onto.

[abnormalizes]

I don't mind if you whine at me, but you can also not if you don't want to dwell on it. Whatever makes you happier.

[sangreine]

If I knew what would make me happier that would make everything a lot easier.

Human feelings are sort of like a line, right? On one end there's, let's say, joy, and on the other, misery. Where you feel at any point about something can be found somewhere along that line. It can move, but it's not all that hard to define.

My emotions... picture a room full of magnets that are always moving around and changing strength, and there's a compass in the middle. The magnets are making the needle swing around wildly. [ She does some wacky spinning movements with her index finger. ] Sometimes it settles on one direction and stays there if there's some equilibrium in the arrangement of magnets at that particular moment, sometimes it's all over the place.

Between the ultra-strong feelings of my species and the amount of times my personality got completely revamped, that's what my feelings are like. So I'll explain I feel a certain way, and then later I'll explain that I feel a different way, or I want contradictory things at the same time, and people get frustrated.

-- Which I get. It's frustrating to live through. But it does lead me to just give up most of the time.

[abnormalizes]

...No, yeah, I think I get it. You have opposite feelings that change rapidly and want things that contradict each other.

That makes sense to me. It's on other people for expecting your brain to work like human's.

[sangreine]

[ Saya flashes a small smile, wry. At least Evangeline is trying, which is really nice of her. ]

I think it's more that they get really confused and upset at how often I "change my mind". Never knowing where I'm going to be about something has to be annoying.

And now layer on top of that mess the absolutely impossible situation my hibernation has me and everyone around me in, where there are only bad answers and everyone's feelings are running super high...

I will commonly say about myself that all I do is hurt people, and that's what I mean. When there's no way to avoid hurting people, that's what happens. It's inevitable. Any attempt I make to hurt people less ends up making things worse. I'm the very definition of the road to hell being paved with good intentions.

Take my first experimental cure test... thing. I'm sure you heard whispers about what a disaster it was. I knew it could go that way, so I asked a bunch of people to be in there to prevent me from getting out, hurting innocent people. There were some people I didn't want to be there for a lot of reasons, mostly being worried about what it would do to me or to them if things went the way they went, but I caved because they said it was what they wanted. And it went really badly, and I hurt everyone in terrible ways that I can't take back.

So now I'm thinking: okay. I have to try this again, and I'm scared to death. And I just want to avoid the same giant mess happening all over again. So I made other arrangements, so only one person would have to deal with it. And now people are hurt all over again that I'm "keeping them out" or however it was put to me... like I'm doing this out of spite or because I don't trust them. It's not that. I'm just trying my best, and my best sucks, but that's because this whole thing sucks. And I have to balance what I can handle with what everyone else wants, and not trying it again isn't an option because the people I love most in the world want me to keep trying and they deserve for me to keep trying...

So yeah, I'm pushing people away and at the same time wanting them close. I'm dumping my feelings all over people and at the same time holding back. Of course I am. Because shit is fucked, and my entire life and the feelings of everyone I love are on the line, and who could ever possibly deal with this gracefully?

[ Pausing here for more drinking. ]

Everyone has wants and expectations of me, and I can't meet any of them. Falling asleep is starting to sound like a relief.

[abnormalizes]

[Evangeline listens closely, nodding along.]

I'm sorry, that sucks. For you and for everyone else, but especially for you.

[She has thoughts, but she promised not to try to give advice, so...]

Do you want another hug?

[sangreine]

No. Thanks, but no. What I want is to have been something other than a painful burden for others to carry, but I'd never believe anyone who said it.

...So you might as well tell me what you think. You can't do worse than some others have, trust me.

[ It helps that Saya's hibernation won't have much impact on Evangeline in the scheme of things. So there's only so much Saya could hurt her with a wrong decision (and they're all wrong decisions really). ]

[abnormalizes]

I think... People want to help, because they care about you and this is important to your life and your future, and because feeling helpless kind of sucks. Which, okay, those are valid feelings. But when you say no, they assume it's a statement on them? Like you're worried that if they get hurt they'll be upset with you or traumatized, or you don't trust them to help, or whatever BS they've come up with. I don't know how you could be more clear with them that you're thinking about your feelings and they need to respect your wishes, because this is ultimately about you.

However bad it is for anyone else, it's worse for you, of course your emotions are all over the place. Sometimes people just have to take everything personally.

[sangreine]

[ A tight shrug ]

People find all sorts of reasons that what I want or feel isn't valid. Either it's not valid because I'm basing it on what someone I love said they want, like I'm not supposed to care about what my romantic partners want, or it's because I don't know what's best for myself -- I mean I sometimes don't, but that doesn't give anyone the right to go over my head -- or they're determined to save me or whatever. Nothing patronizing about a shove toward the self-actualization they've decided is best for me without my consent or consultation.

Or they'll say they respect what I want and then in the same breath try to talk me out of it. That's a favorite lately.

I honestly just... there are moments I hope this next attempt puts me under so I don't have to hear it anymore.

[abnormalizes]

I absolutely don't blame you, that must be exhausting. In your shoes I would've punched someone's lights out like five times over by now.

[Let Saya Rest]

[sangreine]

[ She softens a bit ]

I know they're doing it out of love, that's the only reason I haven't. It's muddled and at times really insulting but I can forgive a lot when it's for that.

Besides, I think I've got the easiest role here. I get to just... forget. Painlessly. I won't know what I lost. Everyone else has to live with it.

[abnormalizes]

They're lucky you're so understanding. Not everybody would be.

...Maybe this is just a human perspective, but the idea of forgetting everything scares me more than dying.

[sangreine]

It terrifies me now. But I've been through this before. Once the memories are gone, it doesn't hurt.

Smiling in the face of someone you love, knowing they're not that person anymore and probably never will be again, having to mourn what you lost while it's also right in front of you... that does hurt.

[abnormalizes]

-It really sucks for everyone. There's not much anyone can do to make it better, either.

I'm sorry. I can offer weird not-booze and talking about other things as a distraction.

[sangreine]

There really isn't. [ Insert a bunch of ponderings that everyone would hate here. ]

Nah. Thanks but I need to just... get over myself. I don't have a lot of time, and I'll have a lot less soon probably, I don't want to spend it this way. Even if I have to take some crap, I want to leave the people I love with more than a giant burden to haul around with them.

[abnormalizes]

Leave them with some good memories. Probably the best thing you can do.

Well, if it helps any, I brought enough enkephalin for the household, so if you want to get smashed with your housemates later you can.