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From:

noodleboi

When did you choose to be a monster?

From:

sangreine

When I picked up a sword and started killing people, or letting them die.

From:

noodleboi

Why did you start killing people?

Did you walk away when you could have saved people?

From:

sangreine

I was told I didn't have a choice, and instead of asking questions I just did it. Which is almost worse than doing it out of hatred or whatever else.

Yes, I did. All the time.

From:

noodleboi

Who told you that you didn't have a choice? What would happen if you didn't fight?

From:

sangreine

They told me that Diva would kill all the humans. But I never tried anything else other than hunting her and all of our species down and killing them. I could have at least tried.

From:

noodleboi

Was she actually trying to kill all humans? Kill everyone in the world?

From:

sangreine

She... she had good reason to hate humans. She was tortured for a century.

From:

noodleboi

Every human didn't torture her.

Sounds like she decided to be a monster too.

So it was let her kill everyone, try to talk her down and maybe it worked. Maybe it wouldn't. And if it didn't, it's let her do it or stop her.

So you are a monster for that. But it sounds like you are also a sister who wishes she and her sister could have been happy together. Instead of fighting each other. Because other people tortured her and ordered you to do it.

From:

sangreine

I don't know, maybe.

Why are we talking about this right now?

From:

noodleboi

Because you think you're a monster and nothing anyone says is making it better. Can't convince you you're not.

I'm trying to get you to see you are other things. My best friend. My best friend who wanted to keep me from doing dumb stuff. Who wanted to help and save me. Who did help save me. Who took out Candid so he couldn't drop me into the void inside my heart.

You're Kantera's wife.

You're Red Son's mate and wife to be.

You're Wukong's friend and one of the first ever friends who accepts him completely. That's what he told me.

You are more than a monster. And you just being numb and thinking you're only going to hurt everyone and saying that is going to hurt the people who care about you.

So we're talking about it because we fucking should talk about it!

From:

sangreine

Stop yelling at me.

Don't you think that I want to be all those things properly again? Don't you think I haven't tried to will these feelings away a thousand thousand times? I'm trying!

From:

noodleboi

Are you trying? Or are you thinking that if you just give in to them that people will figure out that they are better off without you even though they all keep saying they're not?

If willing them away isn't working, you gotta try something else. You say it happens over and over and over again but is it always the exact same? Is it always the same mistake or does it just feel like it is because it's easier to blame yourself than think about how it all actually got fucked up? Because then you'd have to put some of that blame on the people you love most and that feels wrong and it hurts and makes you feel even worse but maybe, just maybe, it isn't all on you and it's time you actually try thinking about it like that.

There's only so much you can will away and bury and hope nothing ever brings it up again because then are you learning or are you just bottling everything up inside and hoping to Buddha it explodes at the right person at the right time so no one ever has to see it aimed at them?

Edited Date: Mar. 7th, 2025 03:28 am (UTC)

From:

sangreine

Saya pulls her knees up and buries her face in her arms. Her mouth moves but in the silence bubble it's impossible to tell what she said.

From:

noodleboi

MK sighs silently in the bubble.

Do you want me to drop the bubble?

From:

sangreine

She nods miserably. She doesn't know why it's up in the first place.

From:

noodleboi

MK drops the bubble. The sound comes back and he knocks on the table, letting the noise sound out in the kitchen.

From:

sangreine

He didn't have to knock the table, because as soon as the bubble drops he'll hear Saya crying near-hysterically.

From:

noodleboi

MK's lip quivers hearing the sound of her crying. He stands and walks around to stand beside her. He doesn't touch but he opens his arms in case she needs or even wants a hug.

From:

sangreine

Saya peeks out and it looks for a long moment like she might shoo MK off, but then she tps over and falls against him.

"I'm sorry."

From:

noodleboi

MK is ready to be shooed away. She is suddenly tipping and he catches her, holding her close.

"I know. I know," he rubs her back and his voice is soft as a whisper now.

From:

sangreine

"I don't know what to do. I don't want to be this way."

From:

noodleboi

"That's the first step. Knowing you don't want to keep being this. And you aren't alone. The people who love you are here to help. Let us all in. Let it out. We can take it. Don't push us away. Remember you are more than just one thing. Let us remind you of all the other things you are. The things you do."

Mk holds her a little tighter and his voice cracks. "A-And let yourself hear it. Don't...dismiss it because you don't feel like it's true. Because it is for us. For them. And that means so much."

From:

sangreine

"But what if I can't?"

From:

noodleboi

"If you can't yet, you work on it. Ask for help. And write down what they say. So you can read it and practice. Knowing they won't lie to you. Why would they? They can't be wrong about how they feel. They can't be wrong that they love you."

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