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Uh...

"His foot was mostly fine. I said I couldn't accept his apology because it wasn't my place and he got a little heated over how upset I still am for some reason, but mostly it was fine I guess."

"Well he hasn't apologized to me so there's not anything to accept there if that's what you're waiting for,"

MK takes a sip of his tea.

"I don't think of you as just some powerful killing machine."

"I don't..."

Oh, that.

"Are you sure? You wouldn't be wrong to think of me that way, given everything. I did hurt you pretty badly on a number of occasions."

"What happened in the Heart Game was the real first time you hurt me for like real. The other times I was either possessed, or I was in my own head and hurting you back. And the Heart Game thing was...was..."

Fuck. Everything goes silent around them. He can't risk saying this out loud.

You couldn't know that losing Wukong could be the thing that shatters my entire soul. Losing him breaks me.

Telepathy? Okay, telepathy.

I hurt you when you found out that Red Son gave me his family crest, and again when you were a weremonkey. There's a history.

I should have known. Red Son and Wukong both told me I was stupid for not realizing it.

You didn't hurt me. I hurt me. I got it in my head that meant Red Son and I couldn't be together and I freaked out.

And you were trying to stop me from hurting Red Son when I was a weremonkey. I was definitely upset because I convinced myself talking to Red Son about my feelings was going to be useless, missed my chance, and I'd be alone forever. You didn't do that. I did.

I doubt they said you were stupid because you didn't know the fulcrum thingy of my soul is Wukong. They didn't even know that. No one but me and Relius knew that. So the clones did too. Which is why Candid did it. He would have probably used Macaque to kill Wukong doll instead he wasn't so obsessed with Macaque.

You couldn't know that's the big bad thing it would have done. In anyone else's Heart Game, it would have just like killed my fear of that happening or some thing, right?

They both did tell me I was stupid for not realizing that killing something with Wukong's face was a terrible idea. They literally did. And they're right.

And I knew better to kill or destroy anything in a heart game besides. So that's stupid twice over, along with cruel and careless and a bunch of other things.

Then they're both stupid too because they couldn't know it was THAT BAD!

It was a mistake! I was a broken mess. You made a mistake, it hurt, but I'm fine now. I'm recovered and doing fine. I got weird death power stuff and a computer in my head but like that's the worst of it.

Heart Games are stupid too! I get why they're like useful and like you gotta do them sometimes but fuck they are stupid.

Okay. You did a stupid thing. But we all do stupid stuff. You can't let it just eat at you forever.

I have a history of doing stupid, cruel and careless things that's much older than my first heart game. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that that's who I am.

People aren't just one thing. You aren't just someone who causes pain. You make people happy. You help them. You save them. They fall in love with you. There is way more to you than just that. That isn't who you are.

She starts crying and puts her head down so maybe it won't be obvious.

I got all my memories back finally, and that's exactly who I am. There's no amount of happy that can erase the things I've done.

MK turns his cup in his hands. He feels bad but someone needs to talk to Saya. Figure out what is happening, why, and help. Somehow.

The happy doesn't erase the bad. But it isn't all bad. Tell me what happened then. What did you remember that makes you feel like all you are is a monster?

I killed my adoptive fathers, both of them. And I was horrible to Haji. And I was horrible to my little brother and then I killed him. Not to mention Diva and our entire family, and potentially millions of humans between directly slaughtering them and neglectfully getting them killed and all the wars fought for our blood.

And on the other worlds that I was stuck on even before Imeeji, I was awful to people on those too. I didn't want to get close to anyone for fear that I'd get them killed too, so instead I was awful.

It's one unending string of awful. Even the few good memories I have aren't really good, because I should have known that Diva was trapped in that cell and I was too selfish to be a good sister to my adoptive brothers.

Didn't both of your adoptive fathers use and manipulate you into fighting your sister and your own kind? Didn't one of them experiment on her and hurt your sister?

A lot of it sounds like you didn't know what you needed to make a better decision. And your brothers and your sister and Haji, I'm sorry you lost them.

You were scared to hurt people. So you decided to hurt them anyway? But you let yourself get close to people. Like Kantera. Like Red Son.

How were you supposed to know about the cell?

Would you apologize to your brothers? Tell them you didn't mean to be selfish and wished things had gone differently if they showed up tomorrow?

Yes... but it's not that simple. They had their flaws... I mean, those are pretty big flaws, but those were also the only times I was happy.

I didn't have all of my memories when I got close to them so that's not really a fair comparison. I only had a few, actually. Barely a dozen.

It wasn't like the cell was hard to find.

I'd apologize to them if they were alive.

The only times? At home or ever?

Did you ever have a reason to go to where the cell was before you found it?

Monsters don't feel bad. Monsters don't apologize for the things they do. They make up reasons why it had to be done. You're not doing that.

Well... I had happy times in Imeeji. Despite the torture. And here, before I remembered, before I found out Haji was still alive maybe, before I screwed up in your heart game.

I mean, not really a reason, but I didn't have a reason to go on the day I found her either.

She sighs. I'm not sure talking me out of feeling like a monster is a possible thing, MK.

Okay. Then what else are you besides a monster?

What else am I besides expendable?

Expendable? What are you talking about?

I was literally made by the goddess of all of creation to sacrifice myself and restart the loop of reincarnation.

And I've been doing that over and over again for who knows how long.

I was made to be expendable.

And you keep saying you've always been a monster.

So what else are you? What else am I?

Why are you getting annoyed? I'm trying my best.

I'm trying my best.

So I'm asking. What else are you? What else am I?

We can be other things too. You aren't just a monster. I can't convince you you aren't one if you feel like you are. So I'm asking you, what else are you? What else am I?

Trying to compare us isn't fair. I wasn't made to be what I am, I made myself into it.

When did you choose to be a monster?

When I picked up a sword and started killing people, or letting them die.

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