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From:

sangreine

I killed my adoptive fathers, both of them. And I was horrible to Haji. And I was horrible to my little brother and then I killed him. Not to mention Diva and our entire family, and potentially millions of humans between directly slaughtering them and neglectfully getting them killed and all the wars fought for our blood.

And on the other worlds that I was stuck on even before Imeeji, I was awful to people on those too. I didn't want to get close to anyone for fear that I'd get them killed too, so instead I was awful.

It's one unending string of awful. Even the few good memories I have aren't really good, because I should have known that Diva was trapped in that cell and I was too selfish to be a good sister to my adoptive brothers.

From:

noodleboi

Didn't both of your adoptive fathers use and manipulate you into fighting your sister and your own kind? Didn't one of them experiment on her and hurt your sister?

A lot of it sounds like you didn't know what you needed to make a better decision. And your brothers and your sister and Haji, I'm sorry you lost them.

You were scared to hurt people. So you decided to hurt them anyway? But you let yourself get close to people. Like Kantera. Like Red Son.

How were you supposed to know about the cell?

Would you apologize to your brothers? Tell them you didn't mean to be selfish and wished things had gone differently if they showed up tomorrow?

From:

sangreine

Yes... but it's not that simple. They had their flaws... I mean, those are pretty big flaws, but those were also the only times I was happy.

I didn't have all of my memories when I got close to them so that's not really a fair comparison. I only had a few, actually. Barely a dozen.

It wasn't like the cell was hard to find.

I'd apologize to them if they were alive.

From:

noodleboi

The only times? At home or ever?

Did you ever have a reason to go to where the cell was before you found it?

Monsters don't feel bad. Monsters don't apologize for the things they do. They make up reasons why it had to be done. You're not doing that.

From:

sangreine

Well... I had happy times in Imeeji. Despite the torture. And here, before I remembered, before I found out Haji was still alive maybe, before I screwed up in your heart game.

I mean, not really a reason, but I didn't have a reason to go on the day I found her either.

She sighs. I'm not sure talking me out of feeling like a monster is a possible thing, MK.

From:

noodleboi

Okay. Then what else are you besides a monster?

What else am I besides expendable?

From:

sangreine

Expendable? What are you talking about?

From:

noodleboi

I was literally made by the goddess of all of creation to sacrifice myself and restart the loop of reincarnation.

And I've been doing that over and over again for who knows how long.

I was made to be expendable.

And you keep saying you've always been a monster.

So what else are you? What else am I?

From:

sangreine

Why are you getting annoyed? I'm trying my best.

From:

noodleboi

I'm trying my best.

So I'm asking. What else are you? What else am I?

We can be other things too. You aren't just a monster. I can't convince you you aren't one if you feel like you are. So I'm asking you, what else are you? What else am I?

From:

sangreine

Trying to compare us isn't fair. I wasn't made to be what I am, I made myself into it.

From:

noodleboi

When did you choose to be a monster?

From:

sangreine

When I picked up a sword and started killing people, or letting them die.

From:

noodleboi

Why did you start killing people?

Did you walk away when you could have saved people?

From:

sangreine

I was told I didn't have a choice, and instead of asking questions I just did it. Which is almost worse than doing it out of hatred or whatever else.

Yes, I did. All the time.

From:

noodleboi

Who told you that you didn't have a choice? What would happen if you didn't fight?

From:

sangreine

They told me that Diva would kill all the humans. But I never tried anything else other than hunting her and all of our species down and killing them. I could have at least tried.

From:

noodleboi

Was she actually trying to kill all humans? Kill everyone in the world?

From:

sangreine

She... she had good reason to hate humans. She was tortured for a century.

From:

noodleboi

Every human didn't torture her.

Sounds like she decided to be a monster too.

So it was let her kill everyone, try to talk her down and maybe it worked. Maybe it wouldn't. And if it didn't, it's let her do it or stop her.

So you are a monster for that. But it sounds like you are also a sister who wishes she and her sister could have been happy together. Instead of fighting each other. Because other people tortured her and ordered you to do it.

From:

sangreine

I don't know, maybe.

Why are we talking about this right now?

From:

noodleboi

Because you think you're a monster and nothing anyone says is making it better. Can't convince you you're not.

I'm trying to get you to see you are other things. My best friend. My best friend who wanted to keep me from doing dumb stuff. Who wanted to help and save me. Who did help save me. Who took out Candid so he couldn't drop me into the void inside my heart.

You're Kantera's wife.

You're Red Son's mate and wife to be.

You're Wukong's friend and one of the first ever friends who accepts him completely. That's what he told me.

You are more than a monster. And you just being numb and thinking you're only going to hurt everyone and saying that is going to hurt the people who care about you.

So we're talking about it because we fucking should talk about it!

From:

sangreine

Stop yelling at me.

Don't you think that I want to be all those things properly again? Don't you think I haven't tried to will these feelings away a thousand thousand times? I'm trying!

From:

noodleboi

Are you trying? Or are you thinking that if you just give in to them that people will figure out that they are better off without you even though they all keep saying they're not?

If willing them away isn't working, you gotta try something else. You say it happens over and over and over again but is it always the exact same? Is it always the same mistake or does it just feel like it is because it's easier to blame yourself than think about how it all actually got fucked up? Because then you'd have to put some of that blame on the people you love most and that feels wrong and it hurts and makes you feel even worse but maybe, just maybe, it isn't all on you and it's time you actually try thinking about it like that.

There's only so much you can will away and bury and hope nothing ever brings it up again because then are you learning or are you just bottling everything up inside and hoping to Buddha it explodes at the right person at the right time so no one ever has to see it aimed at them?

Edited Date: Mar. 7th, 2025 03:28 am (UTC)

From:

sangreine

Saya pulls her knees up and buries her face in her arms. Her mouth moves but in the silence bubble it's impossible to tell what she said.

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